Peace is peaceful


Yeah, let’s start this one out with something utterly redundant and silly. But very profound. At least it is to me. I can reflect back on the last couple weeks and months and feel peace swelling in me.

This weekend at the farm, we were supposed to get rain both days. We didn’t get any rain at all!! Well, take that back, we got a couple drops but it was hard to tell what it was doing because it was such a weird rain. It was a beautiful weekend out spending time with Mother, nature that is! I have been profoundly blessed to be out there several times a week and during the weekend.

Mother has been speaking to me.

The variety, regularity, and frequency of animal visitors has been an amazing surprise this year. Am I more aware? Am I pausing a little bit more to pay attention? I know that I am asking for visitors. Every time I am there I am searching and reaching out energetically to Mother and asking for signs and visitors. I haven’t been disappointed.

Not only have the animals, specifically female animals. I have seen mothers and mothers and mothers. The other day, I was riding through the trails doing solar light checks and distribution and I saw a turkey. She was a little agitated and several rows away from me. I wasn’t an immediate threat but she seemed agitated. I looked and looked. Sure enough, mama was protecting her flock. She had at least 7 little turkey babies surrounding her.

The birds have been very protective of their flocks. Mothers are always protective of their flocks. However those flocks look. As women, we are so often called and compelled to caretake for those we love and spend time with. It’s a beautiful thing and we bring to the world a softness that the world desperately needs. But make no mistake, being soft and tender is not a sign of the weaker sex. It is a sign that a person is willing to be vulnerable and take a chance that their efforts of being compassionate and loving will be accepted and received and valued.

As mothers, we often care for others that don’t often show appreciation. We get yelled at and ignored by little kids, then tweens, and then those rotten teenagers show us what it really feels like to be treated like a nonentity with no valuable knowledge, wisdom, or life experience.

Oh freaking well. We still love and care for them and do our best to keep them safe. We do our best to teach them to grow up to be strong, avoid hurts, and be good people. I don’t know that it is our job to help them to avoid hurts and falls. We love them so much we want to protect them forever. But as adults we know that the most valuable lessons are those that are forged in pain. Sad but true. If we keep moving through the pain with the intention of growing and learning, we become stronger in knowledge, wisdom, and life experience. We can’t feel all the feels and safe the ones we love and care for by rescuing them from these valuable experiences. Although, it might seem to be imperative at the time when you witness and hold space for those going through the lessons.

Sigh. Being a mother is challenging. Being a mother is rough. Being a mother is a mother.

Last night, while I was at the farm, I had to dispose of a dead raccoon. It wasn’t something I was comfortable doing. It was something I haven’t done very much, if at all. In fact, it is “messy” work that I have always shied away from. But somebody had to take care of it and I was the only one available so I handled it. Just like we do. And by we, I mean, strong women and mothers. WE find the strength and the means to handle things. We just do it. So I did it.

While walking through the farm, I encountered a baby deer covered in white spots. She was so little and upset. She couldn’t find her mother. She ran back and forth cheeping or mooing or whatever her sound is called for her mother. She did not like my presence but she was focused on finding her mother. I think she finally found her because eventually she wasn’t visible to me. I wonder if this is the fawn of the mother deer that I spooked into running into the pond and swimming across? I don’t know but I believe it is the baby of that mother deer. Both close to the water. Both frantic but determined. I hope they find some peace.

I am finding peace. Finding peace is not a destination. I am not automatically just freaking ZEN MAMA with no frustrations, no anger, no disappointment, no annoyances. It is a journey in which every day I choose to see things through a certain lens. My lens has changed in the last couple years during my journey of producing MFR. I used to get so frustrated and resentful when people would help me. Whether they were helping me with actual task or helping me to see situations differently so I could handle it emotionally, I would get defensive. I would somehow think that their offer of help was a judgment of my competence and I would get defensive. I would attack. I would assume I knew what their intention was when it was truly an offer of help, not a condemnation or a judgment. I was a mess. But I have learned to change that lens. Through so much work and so much biting my tongue to give myself the chance to ask additional questions, I have changed the story I tell myself or at the very least, I ask more questions and don’t just assume I know intentions, thoughts, or beliefs. I slowly but surely changed the lens I see others through by questioning and pausing and practicing small, micro changes of not reacting, not assuming, not defending, not believing my own bullshit. By taking the time to be with Mother (Nature), I have learned to pay attention to the lessons Mother gives to me so I can be peaceful. Not being in a constant state of proving myself and defending myself, I have found peace.

The turkey spirit animal appears to you when you there’s a need to channel your energy in a more balanced manner.Just like the moth spirit animal, the turkey symbolism teaches you to grow and change with the events that happen to you. Let the turkey totem be your powerful guide as you unlock the fullness of your life.You will find that satisfaction is easier to achieve if you apply the turkey symbolism in seeking happiness and harmony!

Common Turkey Spirit Animal Meanings

Similar to the jellyfish, the turkey spirit animal is a symbol of abundance. It is an encouragement to celebrate your resources that nourish your physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects. Foster a harmonious relationship between yourself and the world that you live in because it’s the foundation to your well-being. Being connected to the earth and becoming aware of how it plays a role in your life will make you appreciate all that you have in a deeper and more meaningful way.

The turkey symbolism brings the message of unlocking the richness of your life so that you can appreciate everything.

It asks you to focus less on wanting material things because they will not give you lasting happiness.

The meaning of the turkey also speaks about feminine energies that are at work in your life. If you are hoping to have a family anytime soon, it’s a good time to receive the turkey symbolism because it also indicates fertility.

The turkey spirit animal highlights the real meaning of giving and receiving, and harvesting the rewards of your good deeds.

You have the power of your voice to achieve your dreams, and you should stand up for your rights and the rights of others to create the life that you desire.

I have found peace in my interactions with my friends, family, colleagues, and with MYSELF.

I am finding peace by each micro choice I make in not being mad. I am finding peace in believing in the goodness of others. I am finding peace in being with myself. I am finding peace by being with others. Truly being with others so I can know them and know myself.

After seeing the fawn last night, I drove down the road in the golf cart. I had to stop for a mink crossing. Yes, a mink. I don’t know that I have ever seen a mink crossing the road. This MAMA mink was carrying her baby in her mouth like a cat carries her kitten.

The Mink Totem

Mink – Complex Thoughts and Philosophies 

Requiring rich environments to thrive, protected safe places, fresh-water wisdom, complexity, being drawn to complex concepts and philosophies, dense study over light skimming, needing seclusion to find nourishment, being desirable for what you produce; not who you are, wanting energy in reserve, willing to go to deep, painful places for wisdom, connections to telepathy and mind-to-mind spiritual contact, using hostility as a weapon, underestimated intelligence, possible clashes with European mink and otter energy. 

If you have American mink as a guide or totem in your life, you’ll often find that you require and prefer rich environments in which to live. This can refer to wanting financial security, or an environment that is richly stimulating intellectually, emotionally and sexually. Generally, you will find that you suffer or do quite poorly in impoverished environments. This includes landscapes that are by nature arid, or semi-arid, as well as less literal landscapes that might provide little by way of external stimulus or comfort. 

You prefer protected safe places that you can control wherever possible, this means that you generally don’t like people coming over uninvited, and that you have very firm internal rules about what is a safe place, and what isn’t. Your idea of safety can be quite stringent compared to that of others, and is often anchored more to protected places, than to certain people. In addition, you will regularly seek out seclusion in order to find nourishment, wisdom or energy. Conditions are optimum when your safe place is also a space where you are guaranteed seclusion.

Amazing!! Another mama womanfestation. Yeah, I just appropriate the word manifest and made it into womanfest because this is my blog and it will not be man-centered but WOMAN-centered.

Being grounded in the ground

I work in Grand Rapids now. That means several nights a week in an effort to save time, gas, and frustration, I will stay in Wayland in Moldy, on the farm. It’s a pretty good situation. It saves me over an hour a day of driving time. Which means less time in construction, this makes me much calmer. Driving in construction is ridiculously stressful and makes my temples throb. To have several days respite by staying in the woods soothes my soul in a variety of ways that I am discovering.

I have been staying at the farm in Moldy. No TV. No internet unless I hook up to my hotspot. The hotspot connection sucks. I am isolated. I work in the woods alone. I read. I do yoga. I bitch at the raccoons. Sometimes I feel alone. I sometimes will feel lonely. Oftentimes, I feel lonely.

Sitting alone in my feelings can be hard. It used to be next to impossible. I would feel compelled to fill that emptiness with anything but myself. I would call friends until someone would answer and fill up my head space with noise. Sometimes, I would listen to youtube videos. My favorite youtube university of life videos teaching me to empathetic, kind, compassionate, loving, a better communicator, a better partner, more attached, more connected, more magnetic, abundant, joyful, and juicy. All my best self help videos are from youtube.

But you can’t tell if all of those videos and chats made any difference in your personal growth unless you take the time to practice. Unless I take the time to be alone, I don’t know if the videos on learning to love myself are effective. If I continue to fill myself with noise, I can’t evaluate if anything is working and improving.

So I wander the trails in solitude at night. I wander the camp looking around. Kind of freaked out at being alone. Kind of in awe of the power and the ferocity of the womyn that created this space. I wander and I think and I visualize and I breathe.

I work on concentrating. I am not a long distance meditator. I am a practicing meditating that is working on increasing concentration so my meditation is more effective. I want to be able to focus and concentrate without constant distraction. I have taught it to myself. Now I want to learn a new practice. And that is going to take

And I have grown calmer. I have grown more patient. I can listen bigger. I can love harder. I can breathe deeper. Only thing that hasn’t improved is my diet and my exercise regime. Well shit. GOALS!

True story, though.

I am evolving again. I am becoming more of the person I see myself as. Or maybe I am seeing myself as the person that I am and I am becoming that person. Who knows?

I don’t know the answer to that question either. I do know that the changes I am feeling are good and juicy. I am more joyful and appreciative. I feel harder so I can possibly cry harder too. I know that the tears come easier in lots of situations. But stress can do that too!

There are many things are that are contributing to me getting to a happier juicier place. The hard work I am doing with and for myself are helping. The videos are helping. The meditating and trying are helping. All of these things are great and wonderful and a piece of what is helping me make real changes. There is one thing that brings it all together for me and that is being at the farm.

Being in that place grounds me in a way that I am not grounded elsewhere. Part of it is the magic of the women that have been there. It is remembering their strength and their presence. The joy and the laughter they bring every August. More importantly, though, is what I see when I am there. I see my personal growth. I see all the things I have learned. I have learned so many new skills and enhanced so many of my existing skills and talents. Now when I see the farm and the land, I see with new eyes. I see with eyes that are little more educated and experienced on what it will take to bring to air my dreams and visions. I know a little more the work that it will involve and how much resources it will need (time, talent, and treasure!)

The farm has grounded me. Every time I walk there alone, I see what magic our team has wrought. I see the vision taking shape. I see the power and the innovation of women. I see so much POWER.

Yours and mine.

I did not do this alone. I do not create alone. And I don’t want to create, do, or be alone. I want to be part of a magical dream team that keeps adding and adding and adding people to its roster because IT CAN. Because we can all be powerful. We all can be wonderful. We all can be beautiful. The farm grounds me. The farm reminds me of all this.

Come to me, you will find me

I had a wonderful productive day at work today. I’m not just talking about my job as a program nurse. I am also talking about my job to produce and promote Michigan FRamily Reunion. It’s production time so it’s time to kick up my energy.

It’s been a weird year of preparation. I didn’t have the same level of drive and enthusiasm and high energy passion. It’s not that I wasn’t excited about MFR and what it is and what we are doing as a community. I think it was more a matter of feeling like I was in a state of flux and change. My personal life has been topsy turvy. My work life has changed in a huge way. I had huge stress in both areas, work and personal.

Because of the changes in my personal life, I have spent more time with friends. My family is all growing up so while I used to be home with the kids in some form or fashion, that is not my story anymore. If I am home, they are either in their rooms or gone to work or friends. We don’t spend any time together.

Since my kids are all grown up and making their own lives, It makes me very happy that I have found a wonderful support group and community through L2L and my sisters of MFR. They are my dearest and closest sisters. They have listened to my rants, woes, tears, laughter, love, giddiness, and silliness. They are there for me through everything. And they are willing to give it to me if I need to be held accountable. I love them. And it has been wonderful finding these jewels in my life. I have had to call on them a lot and they have stepped up with love and support as my personal life falls apart on a regular basis. they love me up and encourage me. They help me stay strong to do the important work that I am doing building MFR. I don’t do it alone, no, never alone. All of us are building this magical thing of MFR and a community of women. It’s a lot of work and it’s not always fun and easy. I’m glad we have each other. #findingthejuicy

The support and love that I was given during the stressful parts of my life keep me forever grateful and feeling blessed but it is still very hard to stay focused on building a festival and a community when I’m busy trying to hold everything else together while maintaining peace and serenity. Because that has been my goal this year, to find some peace and serenity and learn to “let it be”. I wanted to learn to respond and act in love and not react in fear, hurt, panic, or anger. I wanted to learn to be calm and kind and lead with love. I am learning how to do just that. Even in the midst of the turmoil, in the minute, in the thick of it, I have learned to pause and breathe. I have learned to not respond in hurt and expectation.

I have learned, yes, to do all that. I am learning every day to practice a more loving existence. But the process takes time and energy and while the universe is abundant, I have not yet found myself in the vortex of unlimited energy for all things. My energy for MFR has been there, constant and strong, but it has felt diminished in comparison to other years. But I am not sure if that is because I am not such a hot head, wasting energy through my stupid fights and defenses.

Now, I am getting more and more excited. We are getting closer. I am different. I am changed. I am changing. I am powerful and peaceful. I am raging but not in a way that I have ever raged before. I am chanting and summoning and conjuring just as before but more and less and perfect in a way that it has not been before.

Preparations have been different. A whole new set of crew that has become my framily. A whole new gathering of women that love and support each other. Sometimes that is razzing and joking. Sometimes that is tears and laughter. But always it is safe and loving.

I haven’t always felt this calm. I haven’t always felt this, this, this whatever it is that I am becoming now. I dont’ think this writing has captured the feelings that I am feeling of letting be and becoming. This new feeling of independence, trepidation, excitement, and power that is coursing through me. I am waiting and creating. I am letting myself be while becoming and making myself into something new. Something powerful. More powerful.

It has made MFR preparation even more powerful although it still feels muted in comparison to the past. But that quieting is not wrong or bad, just different. Different is beautiful. Different is juicy.

I’m here. I am at the farm. I stand in the field of the parking lot. I see the hills and the clover that is growing all over it. It is beautiful. It won’t be as dusty this year. It won’t be as hot. It won’t be many things. It will be amazing. it will be full of love. It will be full and juicy. They are coming. I can see the cars and the rv’s and the tents and the wagons. I can see the safety vests and the canopies and the diverse and delightful women. They are coming to me. They will find me. I will find them. We will see each other. We will rise. Together we will rise.

#mfrmagic2019 #yearofthemothermfr2019 #livingmybestlife #sistertimeinthepines

Year of the Mother 2019

It is the Year of the Mother at Michigan Framily Reunion 2019. Every year we have had a theme. It has been based on the three faces of the Goddess, maiden, mother, and crone. This year is the year of the mother.

When it was the year of the crone, it was the first year on the new property in Wayland. We wanted to invoke the wisdom of the crones from Michfest and beyond to imbue their wisdom and dignity to Michigan Framily Reunion 2017. There was wisdom but there was also the ornery crone, the crotchety crone that snaps and bites. But there was wisdom there but it wasn’t always easily visible. And the take away lesson from MFR 2017 for me was to go to the elders and ask. Ask for their help. Ask for their wisdom. Listen. Listen to myself and listen to my elders. It was year to learn humility.

2018 was the year of the maiden. She was fresh and new and full of energy. She was waiting to leap but open to new ideas. She was energetic enough to undertake the challenges of the crones and wild enough to believe that she could do it all. The year of the maiden for me was the year of adolescence. It was a time of awkwardness as I found my way. It was a time of uncomfortability as I worked to break out of childhood into more adult thinking and doing. It was a time of mistakes but also less mistakes. It was a time of growth and beauty of spring as the grass peaks out and becomes lush. The year of the maiden was my awakening year. It was the year that I busted out of myself to do something different in this next lifetime of mine.

2019 is the year of the mother. This is the year the animals have spoken to me repeatedly. The birds have solicited my help to protect their babies. The robins called me out of the house when they wanted to push their babies out of their nest. Tonight, the orioles and I worked together to protect their baby that was being threatened and wasn’t quite ready to fly. Yesterday, the beautiful doe looked at me, took my message and ran. She looked at me and heard the urgency, and ran and jumped in the pond and swam across in her haste. She only could respond to my message.

And what is my message? The women are coming. The women are coming. And now is the time to prepare. Now is the time to prepare so we can gather and work together. It is a time for mothers to join together. It is time for the mothers to rise and join forces. It is time for the mothers to RISE TOGETHER. I am listening to you sweet mothers. I am listening to you fierce mothers. I am listening to my mother. I am the mother. I am fierce. I will rise and I will raise others to rise with me. #togetherwearemore #rise #risetogether #yearofthemothermfr2019

This weekend was magical. I am magical. You are magical.

Sitting around the campfire last night I was surrounded by beautiful women and illuminated by a powerfully hot and bright fire. The women and I had had worked hard all day on building some magic. It might not seem like magic to everyone but this is why I know what we do on Warrior Work Weekends is building magic.

We built outdoor showers. They are delightfully the perfect temperature that even when it’s a little chill in the woods, as it was last night. It is still standing under the stars being showered with warm water. Listening to the frogs and the crickets and the bats, while I lather my hair and scrub my dirt off. Surrounded by naked women that are gently lit up by the lanterns and the strung up headlamps. Soon enough, we will be enjoying the twinkling light of solar lights strung around the showers and the women will be beautiful and happy and together. Is it the lights? The outdoor shower? Yes, those are all amazing. But the gathering of the energy of the women that are safe and comfortable and love themselves and each other enough that they trust that they can shower together under the stars in the woods. #thatsmagic #mfrmagic2019 #yearofthemothermfr2019

After showering in the woods, we headed back to camp. Each of us feeling productive and proud of our day’s work. Not only did we start up the outdoor showers, we also hung a roll up door on the L2L Store. Two cute butches with assistance from the Boss Butch and one roll up door was hung and the beginning of the framework was installed at the other end. We dug out two post holes. One of them we dug out twice. It was tough, challenging, and very satisfying when the screws were set holding up the pole. #amazonstrong

photo credit Diane Scott
photo credit Diane Scott

One of our dear sisters took the time to do some fancy grilling and served us a delectable camp fare, prosciutto wrapped pork tenderloins with tropical salsa and Asian slaw. It was incredibly delicious. She was so happy to provide us with such delicious food. #blessed #thatsmagic #buildingcommunityL2L

After our bellies were full, we sat around the campfire. We sat huddled under the canopy of our dear summer home, Moldy. We drank and laughed and laughed and laughed. We walked in the dark and we danced. We got our feet wet wondering in the rain. We laughed. #thatsmagic

And the women were together. We felt safe. We felt loved. We felt honored. We felt cherished. Because we took the time to work. We worked physically. We also worked emotionally. Feeling the feelings of being with ourselves. We felt love. That’s magical. It’s amazing to come together. The energy is changed and purified. We become more and better. Or at least we could. And we do. We are. We are magical. What we do for each other and for the community is magical. #ilovemylife #findingthejuicy #findyourjuicy

photo credit Diane Scott
photo credit Diane Scott

The womyn are coming!

Today was a very exciting day.  As we continue to work and prepare forMichigan Framily Reunion, life has gotten exponentially busier.  We are in production mode.  I am finalizing travel preparations forperformers, stage crew, and terps.  I amfinalizing the line up for the performers including the sound checks.  I am working on tweaking site plans andappliccations for the township and for the county.  Life is busy. Life is really busy.

During the weekend, it is the time for the manual labor ofconstructing the structure of the festival. We are clearing spaces for food trucks that make more sense foraccessibility reasons.  We are setting upspaces for stores and for ice freezers and coffee shops. 

But it is magnificent and amazing and I love it so damn much

This week we were focusing on finalizing the week on theshowers.  We also wanted to build outsome elevation platforms for the water totes. Keep in mind these are 275 gallon totes of water.  275 gallons. That is 2200lbs!!!  Two tons.  We had some discussions on what would be thebest way to situate the various platforms. Consensus was not available today so it seemed that we needed to refocusour energy. 

Fortunately, we have learned the beautiful effect of thepause.  We have learned it is better totake time before we get stuck in a rut or before we say hurtful or words wecan’t return from.

Because it is hard to produce a festival in your “spare”time and the stress can become overwhelming. The different communication and work styles make it difficult.  I am not in my world.  Things don’t make sense but I want tounderstand.  It is hard. 

And yet. 

We persist.

We figure it out.

We find a new way to work.

We persevere.

 We work.  And we continued to work.  Each week getting more and more prepared.

We don’t have as much help as we would like.  It would be nice to have more.  But the women that are showing up areamazing.  I love them so. 

Today, we wanted the showers to start.

We have struggled with the showers not having enoughpressure.  Or they weren’t the righttemperature.  It took several weeks totry to figure out how to have the right everything including presentation forthe festival.  It was hard not to worryabout how it was going to work out this year. Since in the past it has been a struggle and a huge demand on time andresources.

When I was summoned to the showers to help, I was a littleconcerned. 

When I arrived at the showers, I was told to press thebutton to start the showers. 

I was immediately showered in WARM, perfect temperature,perfect pressure shower.

THE showers were ready to go!!!

I might have squealed a little bit.

Then I decided to do my little summoning.  I am summoning the women to the farm. I amsummoning them to this space. I am calling them.  I am calling them close to the heart. I amcalling them to be here in all of their beautiful women-ness.l

I yelled my guttural yell, “one thousand women”.  It was loud, it was blasty, it was powerful, it was HUGE. 

As we stood there with my yell reverberating around us a deercame out from the woods, looking frantic. She ran straight toward us.  Shecame within 30 feet.  Looked around.  Then took off running to towards thepond.  She got to the edge of thepond.  She looked around and shebasically dove into the pond.

I had her so riled up. 

The deer freaking jumped into the pond.  Swam acrossthe pond.  Let me repeat that.

She swam across the freaking pond.

The deer swam across the freaking pond.  She jumped out.




Just happened???

The deer ran towards us. She got some information.  She wasslightly frantic.  But she knew that sheneeded to urgently go


Thank you.  Thank you,Sister Deer.  Thank you for telling mysweet forest friends that we are coming. 

The Womyn are coming!

The WOMYN are coming



Mental health day

Negative negative negative negative negative negative

One of the women that is a resident in the home I work at gets caught up in repeating a phrase. One of her favorites is when she shares with me (she has shared it with me 3x a week since I started 8 weeks ago) is a STD test result and a statement from her doctor. The statement from her doctor states she negative, negative, negative of hepatitis C, syphillis, HIV, and gonorrhea. negative, negative, negative. And it gets stuck in my head every time. I can see her rocking and repeating to herself that she negative, negative, negative.

She also believes that all of her bones are broken and she needs surgery to heal her broken bones. When the medical doctor told her they weren’t broken, she tells everyone that he lied about her. She is now scheduled to see another doctor.

Sometimes when I talk to her, she will reconnect and slow down but mostly she is delusional, paranoid, and so very unhappy. Some things could help her to get more stable. She refuses most medications. She doesn’t believe she has a mental illness. But when she is the medications she does get a little more stable, meaning a little less delusional, a little more rational. But she refuses to take the treatment because her mental illness causes her to not believe she needs it. So she sits around feeling attacked, held captive, and broken waiting for something to change but not knowing how or what that change will be.

Most of us get to choose how to receive treatment or how we get to change our stars. We have the means and the ability to change what we are doing to get to a happier place. Whether that is therapy, medication, talk therapy, exercise, meditation, prayer, religious, spirituality, yoga, or whatever that is. Most of us can do that. But it’s not a simple thing to make changes. And sometimes we don’t have the capacity to see what needs to happen for us to feel better. We are blinded by past stories, past hurts, our belief system, our incapacity to ask more questions, or take the time to work on themselves because it’s uncomfortable as fuck.

Yet, most of us have the power and freedom to make these decisions for ourselves if we choose to make them. We have the power and the freedom. Still we don’t make the choice to improve ourselves and find some happy. Or sometimes we do make that choice and we make the effort and we dig deep and we make some changes. We grow. We evolve. We become more. We become better. We become happier, kinder, more loving, sweeter, more forgiving.

Being with and working with the mentally ill is eye opening. It reminds me of the sweet beauty of my life. I am blessed with choice and intelligence. I have will power and free will. I can choose or not choose or choose again. I can and I do choose life. I choose happy. I choose juicy. I choose me. I choose love. I choose hard talks and asking questions. I choose vulnerability. I choose to take chances. I choose to believe in the good. I choose to believe that I can make a difference. I get to choose.