Removing resentment and taking the higher road

It’s so damn hard to be a good person when I am in pain. In my head, heart, and soul, I am a kind, loving, and FORGIVING person. I don’t hold on to grudges. I release and let go. I am enlightened. My past does not determine my present or future.

I truly believe this is the healthiest way to move through the world.

Those are the stories I tell myself. And these are the goals I set for myself. I read the mantras. I repeat the mantras,

This is my mantra in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep due to racing thoughts and insecurities.

I read the empowering memes and repeat them to myself, knowing they are powerful and truth.

I read this and feel and know its truth and yet, I still struggle with resentment and letting go of past hurts.

There are so many ways to learn to release resentment and let go. There are so many quotes. There are so many memes and mantras. Most of which are powerful life truths.

And yet, I still feel angry, hurt, confused, and resentful because of the pain I feel from past experiences with people. I feel resentful that it is tolerated. I feel resentful at the fakeness. I feel mad that they are lying and manipulating. I am angry for all the crap that I experienced at their “hands”, i.e. hurtful, abusive words, manipulation, meanness, and mind fucking.

Am I angry at myself for allowing it for so long? Am I angry at others for not seeing their fake bullshit and cosigning their bullshit? Yes, yes, I am angry at others for believing their crap. I am angry at people who are friends with my parents since they are racist, homophobic, abusive, and neglectful to their daughter.

I am fucking pissed and I want everyone to hate the people that hurt me.

But that’s not the whole truth.

While I have these feelings of hurt, rage, and resentment, I also have feelings of love, compassion, and acceptance of people right where they are. I have lots of love in my heart and I am loving to lots of people. But then I get so angry.

Which just goes to show (me) that it is a process. Forgiving others is a process. While I would like to meditate on “release and let go” and “forgive and be healed” and poof, those feelings are gone; the truth is those feelings persist unless I consciously work on changing my attitude, my beliefs, and my thoughts.

So every day, I will continue with my mantra to release and let go.

Every day, I will do loving acts for myself to support me and love me the way I should have always been loved.

Every day, I will meditate, forgive, and release myself and others for their (my) treatment of me. I will correct my stinking thinking as soon as I feel it coming on.

I will change my thoughts every single time. I will practice the art of forgiveness. I will practice the art of compassion to myself and others. I will practice forgiveness, over and over and over until past hurts don’t creep in and cause me anxiety, insecurity, and stress.

I don’t want to be a grumpy, resentful, cantankerous old biddy.

I want to be my light-filled, juicy self. I am my light-filled, juicy self. I just want to keep reminding myself of who I am and who I want to be and who I called to be:

I am called to be this and I will do the work to fulfill my calling. I want to be all that I can be and all that I deserve. I don’t want to feel mad AT MYSELF for not taking the time to do my work because

#findingmyjuicy #bemybest #lightworker #leolight #dobetter #bebetter #dothework

I’m done making up stories

I have spent several years making up stories. I have been making up stories for myself. I have been making up stories for other people. These stories sound a little like this

“She’s doing the very best she can.” She doesn’t really mean to be like that. She really cares. She really loves you. Her intentions are really good. She really wants to help you. She is committed to this mission. She didn’t mean it like that. She really does love you. She really does love me. It’s okay. We are going to get through this together. We will find a way together. She has my back. She would do anything for me. She is so helpful. Even though, it comes across wrong, she does care.

I have spent a long time convincing myself of the goodness of others’ hearts. I have spent a long time telling myself that if I just did this or maybe if I learned a way to talk better. Or maybe if I talked softer. Or if I look at my part at it…My part is this, I will work on that and this and then the conversations will be easier. I will work on me because that’s the only part I can change (true story but…). I have a part in this too and I will work on my part (true story but…)

I spent so many hours making up stories for me, about situations, trying to justify abusive behavior. I felt that if I could just get my actions right, then it would be all right. I thought that if I stopped yelling, I would be heard. I thought that if I wasn’t defensive, I could truly hear and do better. I thought that if i could just get it right, then she wouldn’t be so mad. She wouldn’t be so hard to work with. i Made so many excuses for why I was allowing myself and others to be treated horribly, disrespectfully, rude, inconsiderate.

I made the excuses so she wouldn’t look bad.

And truthfully, so I wouldn’t look dumb. if I could justify her actions and align them with good intentions, then I wouldn’t be stupid for staying. If her actions were justified by good intentions of creating a safe space for women, no matter that she is creating harm through her actions, then I could explain to myself that I was being supportive, loving, and a good partner.

Well, the yolk is on me. I was dumb for staying and justifying shitty, abusive behavior.

I have spoke in code for so long so I wouldn’t look petty or accusatory or finger pointing. But this last action cannot be justified by intention. She took “her stuff” quitetly, without a discussion of the involved parties, never giving anyone a chance to say, wait a minute, that is not yours, let’s talk. She took her equipment, at least she says it is hers. She took her tools, at least she said they are hers. She took the motor home, even though she gave permission for someone to stay there during her work commute. She took the motor home without talking to this person so this person left work at 10pm, drove to the farm, and when she got there at 1115pm, there was no place for her to stay. She did this quietly with no discussion. She did this while posting videos extolling people to reach out to people and show that you care. She stated she was going to do her reaching out quietly, privately. Maybe she did reach out to people to say the words, I care. But her actions left someone homeless with no place to stay in the middle of the night after working 12 hour shifts. Her actions, once again, do not align with her intentions.

Now I grieve. Now I try to make sense of someone’s hurtful and hateful behavior. I try to understand so I can make excuses again because this is my pattern. One again, I have to remind myself of this lesson: I will never understand cruel behavior. I will never understand hurtful actions. I will never relate to someone that values material stuff more than integrity and thoughtful consideration. I will never understand someone that values material goods, that she has no use for but she must hoard and possess because they are hers, more than being a kind, loving person. I will never understand.

Even though, I will never understand this behavior, I do need to forgive it. I need to forgive it and let it go. I need to let it go and take the high road. I post this becasue I know not many people read it. I don’t want you to think bad of her even though she did bad, hateful actions, exemplified by the same administration that she states she wants to change. She would rather hoard her stuff and hurt me and the women’s community we tried to create instead of working from a place of what the community needs and forgiveness.

I cannot change it. I cannot sugar coat it. I can only forgive and let go. It no longer serves me. I do not need those things. things will be available as we need them. It would be nice to have those items. But we don’t need them.

I do need my community. I will keep working towards building a loving community. This is my work. ONly by forgiving, letting go, and building others up, will the community grow stronger and more loving. I can do me. That’s all I can do.

just for today, i forgive. I forgive and let go what no longer serves me and my peace.
I won’t hide the truth anymore. But I won’t bad mouth or tear down. Hateful actions always come out in the light of day. I am Dawn. Let the daylight start.

Video blog

Today was a day. I didn’t have a lot of energy to write a blog tonight but I wanted to share my beautiful experience.

Not only did I encounter a lovely young man, I also single-handedly (well ALMOST, thank you kind sir!) finagled the experience. This is new for me. I am digging being more independent and COMPETENT. I didn’t always feel competent. I know self-esteem is an inside job. Unfortunately, I was in a position where my worst stories about myself were reinforced by my surroundings and I didn’t have the belief in myself to remove myself because i didn’t feel worthy. It is a very circular messy situation and it’s hard to extricate yourself from the pattern when you are in it. I got out though. And now I know. I can handle my shit. I know I can handle my shit. Or I know how to find the information to get it handled. #power #amazon #findingmyjuicy #thankful #goodmoms

Beautiful evening

what happened

That shit really hurt. It hurt to hear you say things about me that haven’t been been present in so long. It hurt to hear you recount things about me when it’s not who i am anymore. It hurt to hear you not recount other things. It hurt to bear the brunt of the whole responsibility. It hurt to be on my own. It hurt to bite my tongue and listen. I listened without interruption. I listened without speaking. I listened without saying but what about. I listened without saying you aren’t around me, you don’t know. It hurt. I said nothing. I said nothing until you were done. And then when someone else joined the conversation, I summarized, no, I repeated verbatim every word you said about me. It hurt to have no one, not the one that just joined say that was not the story of recent years. It hurt. It hurts. It hurts and I’m crying so hard. It hurts that I am not seen. It hurts that I am the one responsible and the one that has gone back over and over and asked these questions. And yet, this time when the questions are asked they are most definitely asked to send me a message of my harmful behavior. That hurts. And yet, it was true. It was very true. There was more to the story. More that wasn’t seen. more that wasn’t discussed or revealed. But there was more. But I was the one that bore that guilt and responsibility for harmful and destructive behavior. I did it. I did. But I am so much more than that and that person and those things I did and said. I am more and I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. And then to have a meeting to discuss more organization and she is late. Said she would be 30 minutes late but she was 32 minutes late. Once again, I am small and insignificant. I can’t say a word because we are in a break up and I must take the higher road and yet. My time is valuable too. And these meetings were not my idea. But here we are. Here we fucking are. And I want to have it peaceful. I want to be peaceful. I want all to be well. But is my time worth anything? Is it just me overreacting? Am i crazy again? Am I crazy again? Jesus fucking christ.

Growth and change and all the juicy!

I have had several weeks of feeling this new feeling of freedom, confusion, and independence. There have been so many changes in my life and I know I am the catalyst of them all! That is juicy as fuck. This is what has been happening in my world.

I learned that I am fucking competent and cool and I dig myself a lot.

In the last couple months, I have gone camping in a tent. While I have learned a gazillion skills and have oodles of gifts, I haven’t always felt competent. I just didn’t feel good enough. While on my camping adventures, other people told me I was competent. What? I sat with that idea for a minute and then several more. I realized that I AM competent. I am good as hell as so many things. I am a solid 8-10 in so many areas. Interpersonal relationships with my clients, building relationship, speaking, writing, creating excitement, dancing, cooking, cleaning, organizing, and so many more areas and departments, I am a solid 8-10.

In other areas, I am a 5-7. I can get the job done. It isn’t always pretty. I might have to ask for assistance. It might not last forever. But it fucking works. Yup. It fucking works. I will take that. I will for suredly fucking take a “it fucking works” in lots of areas. Its’ good enough and that’s good enough for me. In some areas, I might be a 1-4. Mostly, I just can’t, won’t, or don’t want to learn how to do those things.s I have no interest or desire. So…for those things, I will hire that shit done. I can do that. I can freaking do that. That is also a skill: knowing when to do the job and knowing when to use your time and energy in other areas and let the expert do the job. I’m really perfectly fine with that.

And I can build a beautiful fire too!

Learning that I am competent was a big change for me. I am enough. It’s sinking in. Which translates into so many things for my emotions, feelings, and behaviors.

If I am enough, I do not need to feel threatened by others’ words, meanness, untrue stores, or hostility. I can rest in my power, my strength, and my knowingness that I am enough and that whatever they are projecting to me is NOT MY PROBLEM.

If I am enough, I don’t have to defend my position, my emotions, my beliefs about my experiences to justify my existence. I am enough.

If I feel weak or less than in the presence of others, maybe I shouldn’t be around them. YET, I also know that being around people that trigger these emotions in me is going to happen, again, again, and again. I can change my environment and sometimes that needs to happen. Sometimes the trigger needs to be removed or I need to separate myself from the trigger. Keeping myself (emotions, thoughts, feelings, and physical being) safe is important and healthy. However, during those times when I cannot remove myself, I have learned through this being enoughness that I can stay gracious, loving, classy, and opening. I can still learn through the experience and maybe I can change opinions and beliefs. Regardless, staying grounded is essential and a direct result of learning that I am enough.

There is so much more that I have learned in the past two months. I learned to accept the process in regards to my education. I have struggled in the past with feelings of being overwhelmed and how am I going to learn this all, write all these papers, get through it.

But when i sat trying to decide if i was going to take two classes or one class, I had a revelation. I do it to myself every single time before every single big project, stress myself out, lose sleep, have panic attacks, cry and rant, and then knuckle down and get the shit done.

I get it done every single time. I do it every single time.

Regardless of the worry or stress I invest into the situation, every single time I succeed in my endeavor. Time for a heart to heart with me:

Me: listen mother fucker

Also me: what mother fucker

Me: stop fucking being dramatic and just do the damn thang

Also me: well shit. mmmmmkay

Moral of my story:

AND

PS Got to hang out with some cool dykes today. I went to an event in another town and I knew so many people! That was bonus! I also finished one of my papers. And cleaned up the yard. Today is a most JUICY DAY ever!

Let it all unfold

I don’t feel well. I don’t feel comfortable. In fact, I feel very uncomfortable and weird.

What has changed? Only words. Words have changed. The words have gone out into the universe and nothing has changed.

Here is my writing prompt:

Look to nature and the elements around you, and you’ll see that the universe unfolds gradually—the seasons of the year, the phases of the moon, the rising and falling of the tides, the orbits of the planets. Life is a gradual unfolding and each step illuminates the path ahead a little more, lighting the way just enough to reveal what comes next: the next word to write, or the next musical note to play, or the next corner of the canvas to paint. Trust the unfolding; it will lead you where you need to go.

Feeling all the feels, most especially the juicy ones

I listed so many desires yesterday. I wrote them as remembering them. Remembering all the good things that I want and desire is easier than manifesting. Remembering means,

IT”S POSSIBLE. It can happen because it has already happened, I remember it well.

Today I want to focus on the feelings that I associate with the objects of my desire.

  • your health–what do i feel when I remember the feeling of being

curvy yet slender. I remember feeling good in my clothes and comfortable in my skin. I remember when I was physically fit and strong, definition in my muscles and curve to my booty. I remember eating healthy and feeling good, body, mind, and spirit.

I feel happy, calm, sexy, beautiful, healthy, desirable, wanted, competent, strong. When I think of how I feel when I am a smaller size and in better physical shape, I feel very strong. I like being able to do physical activity without being winded. I enjoy putting on my clothes and they fit right. I feel like I’m doing a good job of taking care of myself. I feel triumphant that I am not gross and disgusting and unhealthy. I feel happy that I am taking care of myself. I am happy that my clothes fit so I feel comfortable. I feel comfortable, strong, healthy.

  • your home

I remember the basement being finished and completely furnished. I remember a new bathroom in the basement and finished walls and a mini-kitchen. I remember the walls all painted. I remember the rooms are organized and decorated.

Remembering my home finished, fixed, pretty, decorated, clean makes me feel like an adult. I feel competent, grown up, successful, not poor. I feel not poor to have a clean and pretty home.

I guess I have felt poor for a very long time. Even when I was married and had a partner that helped out or was at least present, it seemed we were always poor and struggling. We probably were, we had 8 small kids and I didn’t work. Later, when I had another partner that was super good at building and fixing stuff, the home repairs were better. The house was getting nicer. But there was always so much to do. I still felt poor. I felt poor in spirit because I couldn’t afford to fix it all on my own. I felt poor in finances because there was lack and broken shit.

I am not a decorator. My home is simple. I don’t change the pictures much. It’s clean but not fancy. I live in a double wide home sitting on a basement. My home is not fancy and it is not the best quality built home. It is clean. I fix what I can fix and I can fix it. I know repairs and maintenance will cost more and it might be a barrier now that I am alone.

I don’t want to feel poor anymore. I don’t want to feel less than or deficient or trailer trash-ish.

Today I release and let go of those feelings of inadequacy, poorness.

I am rich in spirit. I am rich in love. I am rich in generosity. I am rich in forgiveness. I am rich in friendship and community. I am richer than I ever allowed myself to acknowledge.

Today I release the feelings of poor. they no longer serve me. They pushed me. they prodded me. Now the time is here to release the feeligns of poor.

Regardless of what house i land in and even if I stay right where I am currently living, I am not poor. I am RICH!

#findingthejuicy #findingmyjuicy #richbitch #releaseandletgo #feelingthefeels

My list of desires

list of desired outcomes in the following areas:

  • your health

I remember being curvy yet slender. I remember feeling good in my clothes and comfortable in my skin. I remember when I was physically fit and strong, definition in my muscles and curve to my booty. I remember eating healthy and feeling good, body, mind, and spirit.

  • your home

I remember the basement being finished and completely furnished. I remember a new bathroom in the basement and finished walls and a mini-kitchen. I remember the walls all painted. I remember the rooms are organized and decorated.

  • your work or job

I remember working in a stimulating job that allows freedom and movement. I remember working in an environment that is supportive and loving. I remember getting paid 6 figures yearly for occasional work. I remember loving my job: talking to people, healing, and building connections.

  • your finances

I remember being debt-free. I remember being able to buy what I wanted and travel to wherever i chose but not being greedy or materialistic. I remember being able to help people, organizations, and communities.

  • your significant relationships

I remember being madly and passionately in love with a person that is my friend, my lover, and my biggest fan, someone that I respect and like. I remember my kids coming home weekly for Sunday dinner with their kids and their fur babies.

  • your spirituality

I remember being aligned with my greatest calling, gift, and desire. I remember being aligned with Goddess and Gaia, living in harmony, spreading love and peace to all beings.

  • your recreation, travel or hobbies

I remember producing a music festival, building women’s communities, kayaking weekly, traveling several months a year. I remember dancing weekly. I remember dancing even better after dance lessons.

#findingmyjuicy #icreatemylife #rememberingprocess #everythingisalwaysworkingoutforme #bestlifeever #juicy

Remembering day 2

Starter: Write down something going on in your life that is at odds with your desired outcome. Write as much detail as you want, including why you are sure this thing is wrong.

Today, I felt attacked, ridiculed, and mocked for making some life choices that will help me to be independent, self-sufficient, and find some juicy. Listening to those things hurt me. I cried and I wanted to rail against the bullshit. Then…the audacity to say, you are acting emotionally, please reframe your thoughts . Wait, what???? sheesh, isn’t that what dudes have said to me a million times, “don’t be emotional”, “shes just overreacting in emotions”.

I took the time to remember my power. I took the time to remember I am a conscious creator of my life. I took the time to remember my choices are valid. I took the time to remember that I have lived and made choices with integrity. I took the time to remember to calmly stand up for myself. Because I remembered that I am a fierce, proud, capable, and competent woman that supports herself and her decisions. I took the time to remember that I have managed my life for many years and I am JUICY and POWERFUL!

I remember my love. I remember my power. I remember I am a dragyn. I remember I am a warrior. I remember that I do not “respond emotionally” when I make choices but EVEN IF I DO, I do not deserve to be shamed for my choices. I do not deserve to be mocked.

Today, I remembered that if I am allowing someone to mock me, I am not living in my power. I remember that if I am treated as incompetent, I am forgetting my strength, power, and ability to consciously create my life and live in my juicy.

I remembered to calmly use my voice to state that I don’t deserve bad treatment. I remembered I know how to live well. I remembered ME and being treated poorly, with arrogance, and hurtful, controlling words is not part of ME anymore. #findingmyjuicy

Next write these words in your journal as you say them out loud: “I consciously agree that I am here now and that my desired outcome had this exact moment as part of its life. I am here now, and this is where I’m meant to be . This is a necessary step on my path, and I will work in harmony with it. I do not need to rush away from here. I am always in the right place at the right time”. And breathe…

And breathe in and breathe out. I remember who I am, who I am called to be, who I am calling myself to be. I remember my juicy life.

I remember that I love being treated with dignity and respect. I remember that I give my all and sometimes I give it to the wrong people. I remember that I can breathe. I remember that I can stop things. I remember that I am in control of my life and everything is perfect, right where it is. Until I remember something even better.

#claimingmylife #iremembermyvoice #iremembermypower #iremember #findingmyjuicy