I am not sure what is going on with me.
I have a lot going on. I am in the final two semesters of my grad program. the knowledge is growing in my brain. As the knowledge grows, the anxiety & pressure I am feeling as a future prescriber is daunting.
The coursework is challenging and illuminating. My clinical experience is educational and intriguing.
My home life is home. But I don’t feel attached to my home. I have roommates that are home more than I am…in my home. It’s their home too but it’s hard to not feel a level of resentment. I want to enjoy my home. I want to sit around. I want to cook. I want to clean. I want to be in my space. But when I get home, I feel pressured to clean and cook to take care of the space and the inhabitants.
I feel pressured by the depression that hovers in my humble abode. There are at least two family members living here that are digging themselves out of depression. At least two. Maybe more. I am not even sure what I am feeling anymore. I might be depressed too. I know the feeling of depression around me has been heavy and draining.
I go to work and it is full of Covid, conflict, fighting, and chaos. Working hard. Too hard to even get caught up. I am caught up in an endless cycle of work that just moves locations. And there isn’t any breathing room.
I go home and I don’t feel comfortable. I feel pressured emotionally and physically.
Do i put this pressure on myself? 100% for sure.
Do others have expectations that I internalize and pressurize for myself? 100% for sure.
Can I reject the expectations? I am sure I can but I don’t always know how.
I don’t feel happy. I have cried 3 times today. I also have a cold. I am sure the stuffiness and my drippy nose contribute to my feelings of generalized crappiness. I could be depressed.
Or I could have senioritis. You know that feeling? Remember being so fucking sick of school because you were almost done, one foot out the door, and yet, you still had requirements? Yeah. I have a shit ton of work to do still. And I am so sick of working, working, working, working, from one place to another. It’s just work and not much joy.
I want to find my joy. I want to find my juicy.
Where is my juicy?
But as we all know, not all juices are sweet. And even a good life has challenges and sucky parts. I will hold on, knowing this too shall pass. It is a season. Just a freaking season.
I am not sure what’s going on but adding more to what is already going on is not going to work for me. So while I have a little bit of FOMO going on today, wishing I could go hang out at the MSU women’s basketball game with my partner. However, I know that taking some time for myself, quietly, in solitude, studying, resting, BEing in my home, is the best thing for me. Missing out on something doesn’t mean that what I did wasn’t healthier and juicier FOR ME.
(so fuck you fomo)