Well crap. I forgot to write in here again.
It’s 36 days until festival. I am feeling an extreme amount of stress.
But today. Let’s focus, *I* shall focus on the positive, the good, the yummy, the JUICY.
my dad is in town from Montana. We are developing a relationship. It is sweet and is good for me, and I think it is good for him. It really touches my spirit. I enjoy his company so much and that is weird. I guess it is weird because it feels pressure-free.
I don’t want to go down the negative rabbit trail of my feelings regarding my parents (mom & adopted dad). I will say it was never pressure-free. It has felt like a big giant chasm of hurt feelings and anger for a very long time. To be able to feel pressure free love and enjoyment with my bio dad is a glorious and juicy thing.
Yesterday was not a very comfortable day. I worked really hard at my day job. Thursday is the fullest day of my work week. It is the provider day which means Treatment team, med reviews, and injections are all scheduled for Thursdays. I do not feel good about yesterday because I felt pressured and reacted with grouchiness.
I hate when i react with grouchiness, it hurts my spirit. I feel shame because I feel i should be more kind, compassionate, empathetic, patient, understanding….accommodating….
Is that part of my people pleasing? Should I do better? Is that a patriarchal belief that I should be held to a certain “keep smiling”, “be Nice”, standard that men are not expected to uphold? Maybe.
Should I treat myself with that same kindness, compassion, empathy that I give to others when they react when stressed, tired, overwhelmed, traumatized? It seems like if I am going to create a safe space for women with mission statement that includes forgiveness, second chances, and discussion, I deserve that exact same safe space for myself, from myself.
This is a short blog because I forgot to finish it yesterday.
poo. start again tomorrow.
And no work crew planned for tomorrow due to thunderstorms and no work crew for the following weekend due to Fourth of July weekend. It all will get done. All is well and developing perfectly.