Covid weary

I am worried about staff in my facility and other facilities. Our mental health is NOT okay.We are not okay. We are fucking tired. Each day there is another call in or 4. Or more throughout the full 24 hour cycle of group home care. There are more people quitting and less people filling out applications. The people who are hired do not last long. If they even make it to the floor.

I am lucky. I haven’t had to work the floor yet. But I feel the strain of everyone. Shorter tempers. Less trust. More distrust and anxiety. Weariness.

The clients are starting to act out more. Is that covid related? Directly? Like they are stressed because of the stress of confinement? I don’t know. I don’t think so. They are restricted from visiting in the other homes, the other licenses, until this week. But still they can see everyone on campus. And most have their community time again. So is it directly due to Covid? I don’t know. I guess it depends on how you define directly.

Are the clients acting out more, in part, due to the stress of the staff? Most probably so. How do you measure it? How do you quantify it? You just keep seeing the staff….that aren’t there anymore. And nobody fills their spot. Yes, the clients are feeling direct Covid impact. Many very beloved, dedicated, and skilled caregivers have left because of the stress of increased covid demands.

It doesn’t seem to be getting much better. Things are opening up, yes, they are. But we are testing weekly. We have gotten the vaccine but i test our staff weekly, and visitors, and any suspicion, as needed. And that takes more times. Lots more time.

So it’s affecting me. I matter too. I personally am working longer hours, increased duties. And it’s affecting my trust in people. I don’t feel appreciated. I don’t feel necessary or seen.

All this is true and it is my truth.

But it is not the complete truth and that is the truth.

It’s all a personal problem. At least for me. This is my story. This is more of my truth.

It’s my personal problem. Maybe they don’t apprecaite me. Maybe hey do. It doesn’t really matter. Because when I remember I am enough. I am enough. I am a freaking enough. That I am enough in the work that I do. I am enough in the effort I give. I am enough when I make mistakes and I am enough when I do a perfect job, if ever there is or was one. I am enough.

I forgot. I forgot. I freaking forgot. I got wrapped up in what people thought and how i was perceived and what i should be doing and what i thought others thought i should be doing. I forgot. I forgot that I am enough when I remember I am enough, I act like I am enough. It perpetuates itself in my enoughness and my belief in my enoughness. I said what I said. Enoughness.

I want support. I want love. I want affirmation. I want external feedback. But here is some more of my truth. External feedback will never be enough to fill a hole in me if there is a hole in me needing to be filled. It’s an inside job. I need to remember and believe and know.

I am enough.

I am enough.

YOU are enough.

YOU are freaking enough.

#dawnsjuicylife #covidweary #psychrnsaga

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