I have spent several years making up stories. I have been making up stories for myself. I have been making up stories for other people. These stories sound a little like this
“She’s doing the very best she can.” She doesn’t really mean to be like that. She really cares. She really loves you. Her intentions are really good. She really wants to help you. She is committed to this mission. She didn’t mean it like that. She really does love you. She really does love me. It’s okay. We are going to get through this together. We will find a way together. She has my back. She would do anything for me. She is so helpful. Even though, it comes across wrong, she does care.
I have spent a long time convincing myself of the goodness of others’ hearts. I have spent a long time telling myself that if I just did this or maybe if I learned a way to talk better. Or maybe if I talked softer. Or if I look at my part at it…My part is this, I will work on that and this and then the conversations will be easier. I will work on me because that’s the only part I can change (true story but…). I have a part in this too and I will work on my part (true story but…)
I spent so many hours making up stories for me, about situations, trying to justify abusive behavior. I felt that if I could just get my actions right, then it would be all right. I thought that if I stopped yelling, I would be heard. I thought that if I wasn’t defensive, I could truly hear and do better. I thought that if i could just get it right, then she wouldn’t be so mad. She wouldn’t be so hard to work with. i Made so many excuses for why I was allowing myself and others to be treated horribly, disrespectfully, rude, inconsiderate.
I made the excuses so she wouldn’t look bad.
And truthfully, so I wouldn’t look dumb. if I could justify her actions and align them with good intentions, then I wouldn’t be stupid for staying. If her actions were justified by good intentions of creating a safe space for women, no matter that she is creating harm through her actions, then I could explain to myself that I was being supportive, loving, and a good partner.
Well, the yolk is on me. I was dumb for staying and justifying shitty, abusive behavior.
I have spoke in code for so long so I wouldn’t look petty or accusatory or finger pointing. But this last action cannot be justified by intention. She took “her stuff” quitetly, without a discussion of the involved parties, never giving anyone a chance to say, wait a minute, that is not yours, let’s talk. She took her equipment, at least she says it is hers. She took her tools, at least she said they are hers. She took the motor home, even though she gave permission for someone to stay there during her work commute. She took the motor home without talking to this person so this person left work at 10pm, drove to the farm, and when she got there at 1115pm, there was no place for her to stay. She did this quietly with no discussion. She did this while posting videos extolling people to reach out to people and show that you care. She stated she was going to do her reaching out quietly, privately. Maybe she did reach out to people to say the words, I care. But her actions left someone homeless with no place to stay in the middle of the night after working 12 hour shifts. Her actions, once again, do not align with her intentions.
Now I grieve. Now I try to make sense of someone’s hurtful and hateful behavior. I try to understand so I can make excuses again because this is my pattern. One again, I have to remind myself of this lesson: I will never understand cruel behavior. I will never understand hurtful actions. I will never relate to someone that values material stuff more than integrity and thoughtful consideration. I will never understand someone that values material goods, that she has no use for but she must hoard and possess because they are hers, more than being a kind, loving person. I will never understand.
Even though, I will never understand this behavior, I do need to forgive it. I need to forgive it and let it go. I need to let it go and take the high road. I post this becasue I know not many people read it. I don’t want you to think bad of her even though she did bad, hateful actions, exemplified by the same administration that she states she wants to change. She would rather hoard her stuff and hurt me and the women’s community we tried to create instead of working from a place of what the community needs and forgiveness.
I cannot change it. I cannot sugar coat it. I can only forgive and let go. It no longer serves me. I do not need those things. things will be available as we need them. It would be nice to have those items. But we don’t need them.
I do need my community. I will keep working towards building a loving community. This is my work. ONly by forgiving, letting go, and building others up, will the community grow stronger and more loving. I can do me. That’s all I can do.
just for today, i forgive. I forgive and let go what no longer serves me and my peace.
I won’t hide the truth anymore. But I won’t bad mouth or tear down. Hateful actions always come out in the light of day. I am Dawn. Let the daylight start.