I have had several weeks of feeling this new feeling of freedom, confusion, and independence. There have been so many changes in my life and I know I am the catalyst of them all! That is juicy as fuck. This is what has been happening in my world.
I learned that I am fucking competent and cool and I dig myself a lot.
In the last couple months, I have gone camping in a tent. While I have learned a gazillion skills and have oodles of gifts, I haven’t always felt competent. I just didn’t feel good enough. While on my camping adventures, other people told me I was competent. What? I sat with that idea for a minute and then several more. I realized that I AM competent. I am good as hell as so many things. I am a solid 8-10 in so many areas. Interpersonal relationships with my clients, building relationship, speaking, writing, creating excitement, dancing, cooking, cleaning, organizing, and so many more areas and departments, I am a solid 8-10.
In other areas, I am a 5-7. I can get the job done. It isn’t always pretty. I might have to ask for assistance. It might not last forever. But it fucking works. Yup. It fucking works. I will take that. I will for suredly fucking take a “it fucking works” in lots of areas. Its’ good enough and that’s good enough for me. In some areas, I might be a 1-4. Mostly, I just can’t, won’t, or don’t want to learn how to do those things.s I have no interest or desire. So…for those things, I will hire that shit done. I can do that. I can freaking do that. That is also a skill: knowing when to do the job and knowing when to use your time and energy in other areas and let the expert do the job. I’m really perfectly fine with that.
And I can build a beautiful fire too!
Learning that I am competent was a big change for me. I am enough. It’s sinking in. Which translates into so many things for my emotions, feelings, and behaviors.
If I am enough, I do not need to feel threatened by others’ words, meanness, untrue stores, or hostility. I can rest in my power, my strength, and my knowingness that I am enough and that whatever they are projecting to me is NOT MY PROBLEM.
If I am enough, I don’t have to defend my position, my emotions, my beliefs about my experiences to justify my existence. I am enough.
If I feel weak or less than in the presence of others, maybe I shouldn’t be around them. YET, I also know that being around people that trigger these emotions in me is going to happen, again, again, and again. I can change my environment and sometimes that needs to happen. Sometimes the trigger needs to be removed or I need to separate myself from the trigger. Keeping myself (emotions, thoughts, feelings, and physical being) safe is important and healthy. However, during those times when I cannot remove myself, I have learned through this being enoughness that I can stay gracious, loving, classy, and opening. I can still learn through the experience and maybe I can change opinions and beliefs. Regardless, staying grounded is essential and a direct result of learning that I am enough.
There is so much more that I have learned in the past two months. I learned to accept the process in regards to my education. I have struggled in the past with feelings of being overwhelmed and how am I going to learn this all, write all these papers, get through it.
But when i sat trying to decide if i was going to take two classes or one class, I had a revelation. I do it to myself every single time before every single big project, stress myself out, lose sleep, have panic attacks, cry and rant, and then knuckle down and get the shit done.
I get it done every single time. I do it every single time.
Regardless of the worry or stress I invest into the situation, every single time I succeed in my endeavor. Time for a heart to heart with me:
Me: listen mother fucker
Also me: what mother fucker
Me: stop fucking being dramatic and just do the damn thang
Also me: well shit. mmmmmkay
Moral of my story:
PS Got to hang out with some cool dykes today. I went to an event in another town and I knew so many people! That was bonus! I also finished one of my papers. And cleaned up the yard. Today is a most JUICY DAY ever!