I am still in the middle of an ongoing pandemic weird world scenario. Everything that I have known and loved has come to an abrupt halt. This sounds extremely dramatic but here’s the situation.
Because of Covid, all gatherings have ceased. There are no women’s dances. There are no group dinners. There are no game nights. There are no work crews. There are no festivals.
Because of Covid, my work life has become exponentially more challenging to accommodate people that are working from home. I work longer hours. My time here is more demanding. The homes are full and we are at capacity. That means, I am responsible for the nursing/medical needs for 55 residents. That’s a lot.
Because of Covid and racism, a close friend (many close friends) has experienced a mental health crisis. I have been actively involved in helping with their treatment and recovery. It’s hard to work in mental health/behavioral health. It’s even harder when you go home to it and experience it with a close friend. It has been heart breaking to see the pain and confusion. It is also hard to be the brunt of the mania and the release of past trauma. It is improving but it is still a constant drain. I am holding myself together from snapping because I know that is not therapeutic but the onslaught of attacks is wearing and draining. I want to be supportive but it is still a loss. It feels like I have lost my life that I finally feel like i am getting to live. For so many years, I was busy raising kids. Then they grew up and I thought now I get to live for me. Then this happened and I am back to care taking with not much end in sight. It’s hard to not be resentful that I am 52 years old and still cannot come and go as I please without being obligated to care for someone else.
Because of being overwhelmed emotionally and physically, i was unable to study and retain as well as I normally do. I failed a midterm. I have NEVER failed a test before. #learningacceptance #gottaloveme #findingmyjuicy
My relationship has been broken for a while. It took a lot of hits with the demands that each one of us put on each other and on ourselves. Also, we had no idea how to communicate with each other without withdrawal or yelling. As hard as we tried, and we tried, it just didn’t get to a place where we each were getting our needs met. It bent and bruised my heart quite a bit. In fact, it still smarts and stings. It’s hard to let go to what you thought was going to happen forever even though the reality is, it hasn’t been “happening” for quite some time. By that I mean, we both have been discontent and unfulfilled but we continued the motions of the relationship because 1. we were both hopeful it would work, 2. it was comfortable and familiar, 3. we have deeper commitments to each other through the community work we do.
Now, it’s time to realize the lessons I have been trying to learn.
Why settle for half time, part time, or no time when I want a full time loving, intimate, joyful, and juicy relationship?
Why did I and why do I continue in these same patterns?
This is what I discovered.
Familiar pain is often easier than unfamiliar joy. Believing that you deserve a fulfilling and juicy relationship is hard when you have been conditioned to believe that unhappiness is what you deserve because it is what you have always know. Choosing to be happy is not always comfortable when you haven’t always felt worthy of something better. Self worth is my job and my duty to myself. Unlearning harmful patterns and unraveling toxic beliefs about myself is hard af. The feelings of unworthiness permeate many of my actions AND I DIDN”T EVEN REALIZE it. Changing the story in my head is hard but if i want something different, i have to do things differently.
I’m not done. I still get into stinking thinking. I still feel like I am losing everything and I will never be stable again.
I started therapy two months ago to learn to work through past trauma. I’m thankful that I can go to therapy. Yesterday, I met with a psychiatric NP to start a new medication. I have never been on a scheduled medical or psych med ever in my life. I start a new anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med today. #mentalhealthmatters #noshame #gettreatment
I still have work to do. But today, I feel a little lighter. Today I feel a little more acceptance. Today, I have taken the time to examine my beliefs. Today, I have taken the time to dig into why i am such a “shitty breaker upper”. Well, not today. All of the work I have been doing on my inner being has made it so today, I can see my patterns and I can see why I have chosen various paths.
When I start telling myself “why did you stay” “why are you so stupid” “when someone shows you who they are believe them” and I start feeling some shame because it took this long to break free and choose HAPPY, choose JUICY, choose ME instead of the habitual pain of yearning and wanting and being denied and feeling rejected and abandoned, I remind myself to be gentle with myself. I remind myself to forgive myself. Love myself. Forgive myself.
Changing old conditioning and breaking past patterns that were put into place as a result of trauma and abuse is not an easy task. I realized that my fear of “being abandoned” runs through me deep. I realized that the familiar pain was easier than accepting “being abandoned” even when I wasn’t abandoned. But that’s what I kept telling myself. To avoid being abandoned, I sacrificed my own pursuit of #findingthejuicy. It was so familiar to try to fix it, people please it, and settle for all of those old patterns of not feeling heard, not feeling loved or cherished, not feeling important, not feeling worthy of happiness.
I dont want that anymore. I want to CHOOSE HAPPY. CHOOSE living JUICY.
Because change is so hard, I have created a 30 day challenge, “findingmyjuicy”.
Instead of focusing on the sad feelings, feelings of abandonment, or fear, I am going to focus on the things I can control. I want to improve myself mind, body, and spirit.
Here are my challenges to myself:
- Mediate 5 mins in am on Ho’oponopono
- 5mins mediation gratitude
- I choose to forgive you. I choose to release you.
- Write about experience and journey 20mins
- Yoga daily
- 20mins hiit 4 days week