Here we go again. Single again. I’m single again. I’ve been single for a while. But it’s a weird thing. There’s a lot of deep feelings and shared dreams. Visions of a more lesbionic future building women’s communities and memories, that have since taken many twists and turns.
We had a relationship that started so sweet. We built some things together that were and are very amazing. Together we were a power couple that could do some magic together.
But two powerful women together can also create some powerful emotions and while there was good magic; there was also bad magic.
There were hurt feelings and harsh words. There were crushed expectations and shouted threats and curses. There were sweet times and there times of joy and juicy over the amazing things we accomplished together. It was powerful.
But there was a lot of hurt. So much hurt. So many break ups and stay togethers. So many unmet and unheard wants and needs that we both had. The build up of wanting and not getting was wearing. The frequent disconnects became broader and bigger.
And neither one of us willing to walk away. We had a vision of the business, the baby. We had dreams of figuring out the way to speak and be together so we could both get what we wanted. We tried.
And the break ups got vaster and the disconnect was becoming a wide chasm. Yet, we still talked and had this thing. This thing we did together. And we couldn’t stop doing the thing. We, neither one of us, could stop doing the thing that we did.
We got better at talking to each other. We both were doing some work. Digging deep into the stories we tell ourselves. We were learning individually and together how to be better to ourselves and each other. But not in a way that was moving us closer to each other.
While we have been broke up for a long time now, it seems. neither one of us have went anywhere. It was confusing. It was troubling. It was something. It was this thing.
Today, I started something. It is now a “here we go again” break up that we have experienced, oh so many times. When I draw the boundary, she is not going to chase. I do not want the chase anymore. It wasn’t complete. It still didn’t fit. It is not here we go again. Because this time, I said something different and I said it a different way.
I said, “I’m going to start dating”. Although there have been lines in the sand drawn in the past. This was a line drawn in the concrete. This was a different move. This was me saying, it’s time for me to find some juicy and not keep waiting and hoping to get something that is not possible here. I can say with good conscious, I tried. I worked on me. I worked on her. I cried, I begged, I apologized. I worked on me. I forgave. I listened. I waited. I was patient. Imperfectly, but my intention was true. My commitment and investment was sound.
As she said, it just isn’t a good fit. It’s time to find the fit.
It wasn’t an easy conversation. But it was an easy conversation. Easier than I thought it would be. It hurt. I cried. But we were civil, kind, compassionate, loving, understanding, and listening. It was one of the most generous and loving conversations we have ever had together.
We both agreed that we care about each other and that we have a commitment to each other. A friendship that is deep and true. I know I can count on her. And we have agreed to continue to co-parent our chicks. lol
It hurt a lot saying it’s time to move on. I appreciate that I took the time to have the whole conversation with her. She needed it. I needed it. We both deserve juicy lives.
It’s really weird, really, really weird. But okay. And not okay. And weird.
I’m grateful we have been acting like civil, loving, compassionate adults for the most part recently. I’m grateful we had the conversation tonight.
So it’s not just here we go again. It’s where shall I go this time?
Where shall I go? What shall I do? It’s scary and crazy and weird. It’s not what I planned for or wanted. But it is what is right now. Imma be okay.
Where shall I go?