I am not sure what to write about right now. I am going to do a progress check on myself. Last week, I was deliberating and contemplating if I was going to produce MFR anymore. I just was not sure the effort was/is worth the pay off.
During that exploration, I had to ask myself what IS the pay off for me. It will never be just about the money. But money exchange needs to happen, otherwise, I do not feel that my work is valued by others. I also want an emotional and spiritual exchange. I get that from hearing stories of women and girls that are empowered and filled with juicy from participating in work crews or at MFR festival.
Although, there are reasons to not continue doing MFR, I still find and receive value from my work and the rewards. I was especially moved when two of my daughters told me on Mother’s Day how sad they would be if there was no more MFR. That was my tipping point. If my young daughters find it valuable, my work is not done in this area. Not yet.
While I am still on break from classes, I continue with my soul searching to find my personal calling. I know that it is tied up with women’s community, serving people, building community, possibly a festival. However, I think that I will be moving in a different direction so the work I am doing now is process of discovery of my vision and mission.
As part of my work, I am going to explore the following questions. Working through the book “The Calling” by Rha Goddess, she describes binding behaviors that we each have that cause us to be stuck and unable to move forward, create change in ourselves, or improve ourselves.
Binding behaviors, according to Rha Goddess, in her book, The Calling, are
- Blaming/judging (blaming self & blaming others)
I find myself complaining to my friends about the same annoying behaviors in people I see or things I experience. Although, I have framed it as “venting”, it is unproductive and leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. I feel more dissatisfied, discontent, and more bitchy. Each time, I find myself complaining about something that I have already complained about, I plan to write it down in the notes in my phone. I want to keep track of how often I slide into this pattern so I can break the habit and build a new habit: believing that people are doing the best that they can. Complaining leads me to the belief that people are intentionally being assholes or inconsiderate or rude. Complaining leaves me stuck with the belief that I am wronged and a victim. Complaining is unproductive and destructive. AFter the initial “venting”, any further discussion will need to be (my goal for me, #findingmyjuice) constructive, uplifting, and solution-oriented.
Blaming/Judging. I know I do this. I don’t do it as much anymore. I have been studying how to be a better communicator and one of the things to avoid is defending. Defending myself instead of fully listening does not improve the flow of conversation or promote connection. By the same token, if I am blaming myself or others, it is giving up my responsibility and again, assuming the role of being a victim. If I am a victim, that means I have no power and no control over my life, my behaviors, and my actions. For instance, my ex-husband was abusive. When I chose to leave him, my parents offered to help me and support me. they didn’t do that. I spent many years blaming my actions, my parenting, my behavior on the fact (totally true) that the people who said they would support me did not support me. In fact, they undermined me, sabotaged me, and created more conflict and chaos. I can blame them which means, I can just keep floating along in my life as it is. Or I can take responsibility for my actions and life, acknowledging shitty treatment, while still taking control of me. I don’t want to be a victim. I don’t want to blame others for my actions. It really helped to learn this lesson by studying the book, “The Four Agreements”. By not taking anything personally, I make a choice to be responsible for my actions and my beliefs, without blaming anyone else. It is hard work to take responsibility all the time but it brings a level of freedom. I own me. #findingmyjuice
Justification! Justification is a means to explain my behavior and actions. It is not empowering. It is an “out”, giving me a reason to continue being shitty. Or even if it is not justifying shitty behavior, it is making an excuse why I don’t have to change my behavior. It is not my friend if I want to continue to evolve. Justification means I will continue to be stuck and a victim. I want to own me. I want to own all of me which means taking responsibility for my actions, the good and the bad. Even if I did live through an abusive marriage, shitty divorce, rotten parents, and an ex-husband that tried to destroy me which all lead to broken connections with my children; I can still do my best to create and fortify connections with my family. Allowing myself forgiveness and compassion (for myself), while making plans to learn better ways to communicate, offer support, and be a loving mother, friend, and person #findingthejuicy #nomoreexcuses
Avoidance is not a friend of change. Avoiding looking at the problem and assessing the situation will not help me change. Avoiding weighing myself will not help me lose weight if I am in denial that I am overeating (just an example). Avoiding looking at my finances will cause me to continue to spend money and build more debt. Avoiding discussing things with my friend when I have hurt feelings will not improve the relationship. Avoidance is not a friend of change and I plan to avoid avoiding.
I am thankful to be working through some of these emotions. I feel more clearheaded already. I don’t know my mission yet. But I have more clarity on my vision. Rooting out these “binding behaviors” will help me to be ready to move forward with change when the spirit speaks to me. Until then, thanks for reading and evolving with me.
See you tomorrow. Remember to breathe, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, and
Wear a freaking mask!