Who is calling me?

Today is Mother’s Day. One single day chosen out of a so many other days or all of the days, to honor, revere, and adore ourselves and our mothers. I have been a mother for many years. I have mothered 8 incredible humans. They are independent, smart, driven, and fierce, like their mama. Their inherited (from their mama) savage qualities are uniquely demonstrated in each of those humans. Different, fierce, the same, and weird to see qualities of one child displayed in another child.

My relationship,with myself and my children, as a mother as evolved as I hope we all do. Growing, changing, individualizing my responses, teaching, and tone for each human. Trying to remember as I raised those 8 humans that a cookie cutter approach only appears to be easier. In actuality, there is no way to treat each person of mine the same or completely different and unique. There were so many of them. There were so many demands. There were so many expectations. There were so many things to pay attention to and I was only one person. No excuses. No apologies. No self-recrimination. No self flagellation for the million ways I have failed as a mother.

Only quiet, deep, reverent, respect for me as a mother, doing the very best I could with what I thought I had and what I had, in terms of support, mother-hood training, patience, finances, and all of the other things that are vital to holding up the work of mothering.

Today, I celebrate my motherhood. Today, i acknowledge I am a mother of 8 amazing humans. I taught them the best I could. They have grown, matured, and (some of them) mellowed and settled into adulthood, with varying degrees of adulting is hard woes. They have taken on the responsibilities with mostly grace and determination. I am a mother. I am a successful mother if motherhood is measured in terms of raising successful adults. But what is success?

Today, I choose to be and acknowledge I am a successful mother. I have raised the kids. I have also raised myself. I have taught myself through school and grit to be a nurse, diploma, and bachelor trained nurse. I have taught myself to get through challenging times while maintaining my smile (mostly). I have learned to forgive myself and so my children will learn to forgive. I have learned to find my dreams and pursue them, even when it seemed I was a selfish mother for not giving up my dreams, passion, and personal life.

I have learned to find my juice and all of life’s juicy, today, yesterday, and hopefully tomorrow. I have learned that being a mother in this patriarchal world means that I will constantly feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and guilty at varying levels because we are called to give up all of ourselves for everyone else, specifically our families, our children, so they can succeed.

Today, I am happy and proud to say, I am not that mother. I am not that mother anymore. I am not going to feel guilty. I am going to proudly say, those fuck ups were victories because I, we, persevered, and overcame. We kept talking, loving, and laughing. I did a good fucking job. I am not going to minimize the work that I have done through the years in mothering my children. I fucking worked hard. I read a million books. I taught them to read, to write, to do math, and how to recite poetry. I am a fucking amazing mother. I am a fucking amazing woman.

to honor myself, I chose to create a fire today. Yes, I started a fire at 8am on a Sunday morning. I don’t know why I felt compelled to burn today. But I was called to burn today. So I started a fire. I realized that this fire is here to burn up my self-doubt, self-flagellation, self-recrimination, self-hate, and guilt that I have held for so many years about my mothering work. Today, I burn all of that self-hate. I burn all of the anger at the people that did not support me and hold up my mother work. I burn all of the anger. I burn all of the fear. I burn all of the doubt. I burn all of it. So I can do my new work.

How do I feel about the current state of the world? I feel the world is not loving enough, kind enough, or supportive to being a human, especially to being a female human. I hate our present government and the conservatives that tote guns and proclaim racism and elitism from the highest office in our country.

How do I feel about society in general? I feel it is patriarchal and hates women.

Do I believe these things can change? I believe becoming a matriarchal society will change it. I believe that by honoring, revering, and adoring the sacred feminine in us all, we can find a more loving, caring, and supportive path.

What gives me hope? Being around women gives me hope. Seeing what we can create gives me hope. Seeing kindness and loving acts gives me hope.

Am i part of the problem or solution? I think I am part of the solution. I also believe that I need to continue to do the work on me so I can lead by modeling loving acts. I believe that I need to educate myself on systematic racism, socialism, capitalism, and all the other isms so I can teach and lead with knowledge, wisdom, and power.

Do I think I can affect the things in society that I don’t like? Yes, I can change myself and change the world.

If I could change one thing, what would it be? Is there anything else about my beliefs that I should look at? I would change the racism and elitism of the world and create an equitable, loving, and kind society.

What do I believe it means to be successful? HolY SHIT! I had not clue that this question would be here after initial exploration above. But here it is and how do I define success? Success is being in a space that you are able to afford the material things that you want and that make your life comfortable. It is knowing that connections are the most important. It is feeling respect and power in yourself. It is standing in your own power and knowing, knowing in your soul that you are okay. Regardless of money, status, fame, or power, it is the knowing and feeling of your own ability to be all right, be juicy. And it is being able to have vacations and experiences with people you love and being able to share your abundance with others. Having the capability of sharing your time, talent, and treasure with others to uplift and bring them into a more successful space.

How do I define successful people? I think I answered that above. But successful people are rich in time, talent, and treasure and willing to share their gifts to uplift other people. I believe that successful people are people that follow their dreams and passion, finding juicy in their work and calling, while supporting themselves (financially).

If I had to describe the perfect life, what would it be? My perfect life would involve me having enough money to play and empower people. I would be doing a job/calling that I love, control my own schedule, and be able to influence and help people improve their lives. I would live in a house that is cozy, cute, and accommodating to large gatherings (yard and interior space).

How much money do I think I need to live my ideal life? I think i need to make at least $150k a year to feel successful.

How much time do I think it takes to achieve success? I don’t know right now. I know that I have been working super hard at pushing the boulder up the mountain. I am doing this work to find the ease of my calling. I am doing this work To find the juicy while doing the work to get to the financial and personal pay off.

What else is important when I consider being successful? Self love and self acceptance are key to being successful. Being joyful and juicy, to me, includes having the ability to be loving to myself and to other people.

Do I believe success and happiness are the same thing? No, I don’t believe they are the same but I do believe that to be truly successful, you must be doing something that makes you happy.

Do I see myself as successful? Why or why not? Not yet. I do not love myself, mind, body, and spirit, the way that I feel is necessary to be truly successful.

Is there anything else about my beliefs about success? Probably but my brain is a little stretched right now and I need to breathe and settle to accommodate the new thoughts and ideas about success.

Do I believe there is a source (higher power, god)? Yes, I believe in spirit, karma, the universe, the goddess, and myself. I believe that we are connected to source when we are working, living, and loving in alignment with love and ourselves.

Do I feel a sense of connection when I think about it? Yes, I do. Unfortunately, I forget to tap into the connection and the source which results in…

Do I feel safe, secure, and care for? Mostly I feel safe, secure, and cared for when I remember to tap into source. I feel safe, secure, and care for when I tap into gratitude, blessings, and the gifts of mother earth/universe/goddess/karma.

Do I think it is operating for the good of all? Yes, I do feel that mother operates with the intentions of good of all.

Do I feel my interests are included? Yes

Do I believe that everyone has access to this source? Yes, if they ask and pay attention to the answers.

Do I think I have to do everything right for things to turn out well? No, but I have to do my work and learn to love.

Do I believe in Murphy’s law? No, not really. I believe that things go wrong and that things go right. I believe that when we are in alignment, we can find the flow from source in ourselves and outside of ourselves to do our best work.

Do I believe I have to do something to deserve this? I don’t know. I don’t and yet I do. I believe that we have a responsibility to love ourselves and others through our works and our prayers.

Is there anything else about my beliefs in a higher power? I don’t know.

This was a lot of work. I think these final two questions will be answered in a separate post. They deserve time, love, and attention.

#findingthejuicy #findingmyjuice #iloveme #iforgiveme #ihonorme

What have i been telling myself isn’t possible? Would I be willing to reconsider?

Imagine my desire…feel it, envision it, write about, then put it down, and carry on. For the next 10 days, I will reread my desire/vision. Check in with me in 10 days. Write it down.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s