What is my calling?

Yesterday, I discussed my life as a series of lives lived and then another life. It is so incredibly perfect at this time to start examining the direction of my new life. What is my calling? What matters to me? I promised to answer for myself the following questions.

So here goes.

What am I really good at?

I am good at talking to people. I am good at listening. I am good at bossing people around. I am good at delegating. I am good at being efficient. I am good at finding creative solutions. I am good at adapting to change. I am good at creating excitement. I am good at motivating people.

Do I feel confident in claiming those things? Yes, I feel confident in claimign those things. Although, I am good at talking to people and good at bossing people around, I also need to be careful about my tone and delivery. It’s important for me to slow down and remember the connection and not the checklist. I can get overwhelmed with the task and forget the vision: create connection, build a city of women living in more loving way than the rest of the patriarchal world.

What am I not good at? I am not good at regulating my stress. I feel stress in my shoulders and upper back constantly. When I get overwhelmed with numerous tasks on my list, I put pressure on myself to complete, achieve, get er done. This often results in me being short and snarky to people. I get rude when I don’t need to because somehow I tell myself the story that they are judging my ability to complete the task.

How do I feel about those things? I feel good about the things I am good at doing. I feel bad when I react shitty and rude and snarky to people. I hate how I feel afterwards. It feels awful when I snap and then I see the expression or hear the tone in their response.

Do I feel confident sharing my insecurities? I feel better sharing my insecurities. But I also hide them from others if I can hide them. I would rather quietly correct my fuck up than share it with someone that I feel has some power over me (supervisor, community members, peers).

Do I trust myself? Why? Why not? I truest myself most of the time. Then I don’t. Wait, do I trust myself? Do I trust my judgement in situations? I am not sure that I really do trust my judgement and insight when I am making decisions in my personal life. i ask my friends for their opinion and feedback regularly. I question myself. I overdiscuss things. I worry myself about my actions. I question myself: am I crazy? Was I an asshole? Was I rude? What do you think about this situation? I guess I dont’ trust myself.

Weird. I didn’t even realize how insecure I am about my decision making ability, reactions, behavior, delivery, tone, and so many things about my interactions with others, personally and professionally.

Is there anything else about my beliefs? I think this is enough. This has been quite revealing about myself. Just sitting in these questions. Just reading them over. Starting to type a response (get ‘er done, overachiever, type a personality, I boldly proclaimed I will finish these questions in one day. lol mkay!) and then I realize, whoa. What the fuck am I feeling? I discuss that I am paying attention to how the response feels in my body as I put it down on “paper”. I realize that what I thought I think and believe about myself isn’t what I really believe, based on my somatic response.

hmmmmmmmm

Beliefs about others:

do i feel comfortable around others? Yes, most days, I feel very comfortable around others.

Do I feel comfortable around people I don’t know? Yes, I am able to talk to others very easily without panic or anxiety. I usually can find something to chat about.

Do I feel comfortable around people different than myself? Yes, I do.

Do I believe that most people are good? This is an interesting question. Brene Brown has asked it of me before. I do believe that most people are good. Then I realize that some situations cause me to believe in the shittiness of others. When I watch the news too much. When I think of how systematically racist the world is and how much poor, indigenous, people of color, mentally ill, fat people, and so many other marginalized groups are treated with hate, discrimination, harassment, and violence, I get overwhelmed with how rotten the human race is to itself. Do I believe that most people care about others? Do I believe that I have things in common with others? Do I generally trust other people? What do I believe most people are motivated by?

What are the five words I use to describe other people? Interesting, loving, hurt/traumatized, demanding, sweet, doing the best they can.

What five words do I think others would use to describe me? Bossy, charismatic, energetic, smart, caring

Do I think it’s important to seek the advise of others? If yes, when and why? If not, why not?

I do think it is important to seek the advise of others. I think that there is collective and elder experience and wisdom. I think it is important for myself to honor the wisdom of others and seek input and feedback. I feel that sometimes I don’t see things as clearly as they could be because of the history of trauma and hurt I have experienced. I also think that because of the trauma, addiction, and abuse I have experienced (and the patriarchy) that I, too often, ask for others insight when I need to trust myself.

If I could choose to occupy space with other people or be alone, what would I choose? I would choose to live in community with space for solitude.

Is there anything else about my beliefs that I should look at? Maybe. I think I have explored a lot of the crevices in my belief system. Although, a lot was revealed in this writing about how I view myself. I thought that I was more confidence and secure in my own power, prowess, experiences, and wisdom. However, it seems I am still recovering from years of beating myself up emotionally, spiritually, and energetically. #gome #introspectivelikeamofo #findingmyjuice #findingthejuicy

How do I feel about the current state of my life? I am insecure in the current state of my life. There are parts that are juicy as fuck. They are all juicy as fuck, even the wobbly parts. There are wobbly parts. I am yearning for meaningful connections. While some of my life connections are deepening, there are other connections that are weakening. Like a rusty nail or lock, they easily give away and separate after too much neglect and/or disinterest. I suspect that is part of the growing and evolving that we are called to experience as humans. It is not comfortable.

Are there situations that make me smile? What makes me smile? What do I love most about that part? I love to smile. I love to engage people with my eyes and my smile. I smile at beauty. I smile at love. I smile at romantic, friendly, and any kind of love. I smile at dorkiness. I smile at caring acts. I love to smile. I love to feel the joy and the heartening lifting and lightening of smiling. Smiling can change situations, feelings, and emotions.

Are there situations about my life that currently challenge me? Yes, most definitely. I am challenged by indecision and wobbly decision making abilities. I am challenged by the covid quarantine. I am challenged by my limited income. I am challenged by not knowing if I am still called to do a festival. I am challenged by my fatness.

What is the most challenging part about them? It is challenging feeling like a failure. Indecision is not a failing but it is lack of movement which feels like less than. I am challenged by wanting deeper relationships but seeming to want this deep connectedness than other people. That is challenging to want something more than someone else.

Do I feel empowered to change the things that are working or not working? Why? or Why not? I don’t feel empowered right now. I feel stuck. I feel that my decisions are going to cost too many resources: financial and personal.

Do I find that change is easy or difficult? Why or why not? Change is change. It is not easy, usually. Or it’s not comfortable. I don’t know that I find it difficult. I do find change challenging but also invigorating and life juvenating.

Do I believe that I can create what I want in my current circumstances? Why or why not? I don’t know that I believe it right now. I want to believe that I can create what I want but then I start worrying, making excuses, and finding reasons and ways to fail.

Why do I believe this challenging situation is happening? Numerous factors: changing women’s culture, covid, fear, bad behaviors, too many things to do (school, work, want of a personal life).

What do I believe would make the circumstance better? Is there anything else I see here about what I believe? Making a decision, changing my beliefs about the situation and myself.

That is a lot of information and soul searching. I feel I have discovered some important things about myself. I feel that this blog has started me on a good path of exploration. I am digging deep, questioning the questions and the answers, and working hard at finding my truth so I can find my calling.

I will continue with the rest of the questions tomorrow. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is a perfect day to become a better human. Finding my truth and my calling will help me live this next life as a better human.

#beexcellenttoeachother #lovehard #melovingme

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