I am a conscious creator

And I have the ability to create the life I desire.

Today, I am committing myself to another challenge. This time I am challenging myself to find my true calling. It’s time to start a new life for myself.

I have been called to be a mother. That is a lifelong calling and I will gladly mother my grown children to be the best versions of themselves, always. However, that time has moved on and they are grown. They need and want me in different ways than the all consuming task of raising, teaching, and nurturing children. #juicymom

I miss those days every day but now it is time for me to use my time, talent, and treasure in a new way to beautify the world. #thankfultobemomof8

I was a nursing student and a wild woman for a lifetime. I worked my ass off, tried to hide myself from my problems in shitty, stupid, and costly relationships. I was scared to be a lone and I hid myself by dating men that were not good to me or for me. I had this idea that someone was going to save me, marry me, and my world would be realigned (as if it ever was during that tumultuous marriage!) and all would be well.

I was wrong. That awful time of my life was full of fear, insecurity, doubt, chasing, distrust, jealousy, and struggles for control of others because of all those rotten feelings I was trying to hide from. I got in trouble. I hurt, maybe permanently, my relationship with my son. Who knows? At the time, it made sense to me. At the time, I didn’t realize how sick and how scared I was. At the time, I didn’t know my own power or strength. I didn’t know and I made some mistakes in my lack of knowledge, belief in myself, and resolve to do something different. I was stuck in the belief that I needed someone else to complete my life. I was stuck in believing that I couldn’t do it on my own. #insanity #traumafromabuse #patriarchysucks #goodcatholicbadcatholic

I was wrong. I did some work on me through the 12 steps. I did some work on my version of insanity. I did some work through therapy. I also learned a lot about my strength, power, and resilience while working my way through nursing school.

That lifetime has ended and I began another lifetime.

Thank the Goddess, I am on my way…

The start of my next life included falling in serious crush with a woman. She was all wrong for me. She broke almost all of my (very limited) dating rules. She was WAY younger than me. I was her supervisor on our job. Yet, I was irresistibly attracted to her. I needed to know more.

This particular lifetime I learned to be a lesbian. I learned about the culture of women. I learned to love a woman. I learned to be okay being uncomfortable. I learned through another relationship what my values are, what I will settle for, and what I expect. I learned to produce a festival and to build, or rather, how to fortify and strengthen a community. I learned to control my mouth and my emotions. Sort of. I mean, it is an ongoing lesson.

Now, as I continue to learn those lessons and learn more lessons about my worth , value, expectations in a relationship, desires for my life path, I am entering another new life.

This new life is a life of finding out my life purpose. I thought it was to build & fortify community, creating connections between people so no one is alone, unless they want to be, of course! I thought part of that purpose was to build a festival.

Yet, it seems that nobody wants a festival. At least not enough people want it that are willing to pay for it and support it. It’s never all about money with a vision and purpose. However, it is next to impossible to completely live on love so I do believe that my vision should have pay offs. It should fill my heart with joy and excitement and I should be blessed and I should be blessed with money. I am not scared to say that. I want to make money to support me while doing something I love.

Now to find that thing that is going to provide my soul with love and blessings and joy while supporting me and my beautiful life. Will I produce a festival? Will I continue to build community? How does that make money?

What am I really good at? Do I feel confident in claiming those things? What am I not good at? How do I feel about those things? Do I feel confident sharing my insecurities? Do I trust myself? Why? Why not? Is there anything else about my beliefs?

Beliefs about others:

do i feel comfortable around others? Do I feel comfortable around people I don’t know? Do I feel comfortable around people different than myself? Do I believe that most people are good? Do I believe that most people care about others? Do I believe that I have things in common with others? Do I generally trust other people? What do I believe most people are motivated by?

What are the five words I use to describe other people? What five words do I think others would use to describe me? Do I think it’s important to seek the advise of others? If yes, when and why? If not, why not? If I could choose to occupy space with other people or be alone, what would I choose? Is there anythign else about my beliefs that I should look at?

How do I feel about the current state of my life? Are there situations that make me smile? What makes me smile? What do I love most about that part? Are there situations about my life that currently challenge me? What is the most challenging part about them? Do I feel empowered to change the things that are working or not working? Why? or Why not? Do I find that change is easy or difficult? Why or why not? Do I believe that I can create what I want in my current circumstances? Why or why not? Why do I believe this challenging situation is happening? What do I believe would make the circumstance better? Is there anything else I see here about what I believe?

How do I feel about the current state of the world? How do I feel about society in general? Do I believe these things can change? What gives me hope? Am i part of the problem or solution? Do I think I can affect the things in society that I don’t like? If I could change one thing, what would it be? Is there anything else about my beliefs that I should look at?

What do I believe it means to be successful? How do I define successful people? If I had to describe the perfect life, what would it be? How much money do I think I need to live my ideal life? How much time do I think it takes to achieve success? What else is important when I consider being successful? Do I believe success and happiness are the same thing? Do I see myself as successful? Why or why not? Is there anything else about my beliefs about success?

Do I believe there is a source (higher power, god)? Do I feel a sense of connection when I think about it? Do I feel safe, secure, and care for? Do I think it is operating for the good of all? Do I feel my interests are included? Do I believe that everyone has access to this source? Do I think I have to do everything right for things to turn out well? Do I believe in Murphy’s law? Do I believe I have to do something to deserve this? Is there anything else about my beliefs in a higher power?

What have i been telling myself isn’t possible? Would I be willing to reconsider?

Imagine my desire…feel it, envision it, write about, then put it down, and carry on. For the next 10 days, I will reread my desire/vision. Check in with me in 10 days. Write it down.

So my challenge begins. Tomorrow’s blog will answer the above questions and I will write out my vision to be revisited and spoken every day for 10 days.

I am a conscious creator and I have the ability to create the life I most desire.

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