Today, I am in a place of gratitude. That’s not my story every day. Yesterday, I was working and not thinking. I was working in the woods. I was hauling logs, cutting them up, burning things. I was wrestling with thorns and pricker bushes. I was cutting branches which were hell bent on switching my face (not into something else but “whooping” it with a switch from the backlash).
I have thorns in both palms and almost all of my fingers. My wound from when I fell in the tub the other day was so caked with dirt, it took me hours to get it clean. I have an abscess on my stomach that is starting to concern me. It also makes me think that I am fat and gross and unclean. Which are completely outlandish beliefs but still, it is what I feel like so it is valid to me.
My shoulder hurts from wrestling logs that I couldn’t lift. However, I was able to flip them end of end until I got them to the forks of the tractor so I could haul them away. My neck hurts from stress, I do believe. It has always been where I hold stress. The neck pain was reduced after my trip to Houston. Thanks Aurora & Carmen. However, as soon as we got home is when Covid 19 starts to flourish. At that time, my neck pain has returned. Although, my conscious brain does not feel stressed most days, my body seems to know better. I’m not sleeping well either so I know that inside of me is stress, serious stress.
I am still working with chronically mentally ill population. I still go to work every day. Every day is new information. Every day the policies and procedures change. Nobody knows how to react to this novel virus. We are all learning, growing, and changing our responses. It’s a constant source of information and some days, I really feel stressed.
Yet, I am grateful. I am grateful to be going somewhere. I am grateful to be able to help others. I am grateful for a continued pay check. I am grateful to be okay with me right here, right now, in my skin. I am grateful to not need outside affirmation or bolstering from external sources for my ego and my heart. I do me and I’m happy with that. It took a long time to feel okay with raw and alone Dawn. I am grateful for the work I have done on my spirit.
I am grateful for the online community that is gathering through music and poetry to support each other. I am grateful for my car. I am grateful for my yard. I am grateful for the women’s community. I am grateful for the spirit of we can do this, #stayhomestaysafe.
I can’t make covid go away. I can’t control if MFR is going to happen. I can’t control the trajectory of this virus. I can’t control the fear that women (people) are experiencing. I can’t control any of that. What I can control is my attitude.
Some days, I rage at the lack of control. Some days, I rage at the bullshit from our “leader”. Some days, I rage at the idiocy of the people that are protesting and endangering lives and our future gatherings.
Then I remember, I try to remember, we are all doing the very best we can do. I saw this cute little volkswagon bug yesterday. I love bugs. However, this one was plastered, and I mean plastered, with Trump stickers. She (I have such higher expectations for women’s brain power so it sucks even worse when it is women supporting Trump) was even wearing a red MAGA hat. Sigh. I wanted to ram her vehicle.
I let it go.
And as I followed her vehicle, I centered myself in love, forgiveness, and juicy. I sent her beams and blasts of love and gratitude. I sent her this energy hoping she would relinquish some fear, hate, and selfishness. I sent her this energy hoping she would be happy and loving. I sent her love because I can control my energy and sending love is better energy than ramming her vehicle. For both of us.
I am grateful that I can do a reset in my head, heart, and spirit.
Gratitude and love can change our world. I can start with me.
#findingthejuicy #stopcovid19 #feellove #attitudeofgratitude