Monday musings

Monday comes on like a barrel of monkeys all jumping in my office and through my window. They keep coming and coming in the form of pent up weekend phone calls with burning nursing needs. They jump through my awareness in emails and patients knocking on my door. And knocking and knocking and knocking. Yes, Nurse Dawn, it is Sunshine AGAIN.

I don’t necessarily hate Mondays though. I love setting the stage for a productive work week. I enjoy the rhythm of tackling projects in my classes. Work is always demanding on Mondays, now. It used to be a slow meandering start to the week when the campus wasn’t accustomed to a full time nurse. Now that they know I am there, WATCH OUT!

I had lots of feelings today. I know we all have lots of feelings but feelings are not comfortable. EScaping feelings is a prime catapult to using tobacco, sex, alcohol, inappropriate relationships, destructive behavior, and drugs. Now I know that all feelings are important and necessary and part of the #findingthejuicy of life. I also know that my reaction or response and subsequent actions are dependent on how I deal or don’t deal with my feelings.

Today, I was a little nervous about starting my day off later than usual. I have this fear of being late or missing work then losing my job. It is a completely irrational fear, yes I know. Until I did lose my job and did I manifest it or wth? Truly, though, I know that right now, in this place, in my current situation, it is an irrational fear based in feelings of unworthiness. Just not being enough is my underlying fear to so many situations.

I am worried about my classwork. Will I get it done? Will it be good enough? When will I get it done? All of these feelings can be traced to feelings of unworthiness too….when I do the work, I get caught up in perfectionism, never trusting that my work is good enough. #worthy #goodenough

And yet….my grade point average holds steady at all A’s. #gome

My daughter is buying my last car. It wouldn’t start today. It seemed the battery was dead. But I was busy and heading to my dentist appointment. I didn’t have time to help her. My mom guilt kicked in and I got testy and impatient because I wanted to help but knew that I wasn’t in a position to help right then so in my mind, I became a shit mother. #irrationalfear #bullshit #greatmom #helpallthetime #momguiltisbullshit

She managed to figure it out all by herself with a couple suggestions from me. Yeah, I will take that feeling too…I felt pride in raising strong, independent, smart, and motivated humans that are very adept at problem solving. #mompride

I also felt some insecurity regarding my new endeavor of trusting, listening wholeheartedly, sitting in uncomfortable feelings, processing in a new way, and not making any fast movements. It’s not comfortable to question every belief that you thought you had about a person. I felt uncomfortable, vulnerable, and fearful.

So far. So good. #sogood

I felt accomplished when I completed my mini-paper. I felt pride seeing a couple grades come in. And I got this lovely compliment…And I felt bliss at being appreciated…

Thank you friend for saying this about me….

You process things. See things. Integrate into the universe in a way that is brilliant and magical….

Feelings are not comfortable. My processing my feelings and acknowledging them and maybe exploring the root “story” behind the feelings will help me learn to be a calmer, kinder, gentler, and more loving person.

Today, I embrace all of the feelings. I am feeling myself and I might go feel myself. Who knows? Maybe we both will get lucky 😉

#findingthejuicy #lovingmylife #livingmybestlife #allgoodwillflow

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