Things have been extremely weird for me lately. I guess I have gone through the break up for the last time. The relationship is irreparable, irreconcilable, irrevocable, and irrrrrrrrr I don’t know what the fuck.
I gave it a hell of a good shot. I tried and tried and tried in true people pleasing style. I kept working on it and working on me. I worked on me a lot. I dug into my insecurities. I dug into my vulnerabilities. I listened to millions of hours of youtube videos.
I learned that I am “Anxious-ambivalent attachment” or “ambivalent/resistant” which means, I missed some attaching while I was younger. I learned that people leave and detach. I am anxious in relationships and feel that something is going to go wrong and I will be left.
I also learned that most of my past relationships have involved me chasing after an dismissive-avoidant personality. I learned to reinforce my fear and anxiety of someone leaving me by attaching to someone that is unavailable.
After learning this about myself, I worked really hard on correcting, learning coping skills so I would not go into a tailspin at the suggestion of me being left.
Discovering my attachment style gave me a course of correction for myself. I worked hard on falling in love with myself and learning to be independent. I learned to self-soothe when panic hit. I learned that my feelings are not the truth and that my actions do not have to be a reflection of my feelings. that I can act independently of what I feel.
I learned to value myself.
however, although I held myself to certain standards, I did not hold others to those standards. I continued to allow myself to be undervalued. I continued to stay in a situation in which I was shamed for wanting love and intimacy. I was not allowed to express my feelings while I listened to hours of the others’ feelings. I continued to allow myself to feel less than because the situation that I stayed in did not honor my feelings or even listen to them. Simple wants such as time together became a shameful situation in which I was afraid to ask for what I wanted in the relationship because it hurt so much to be told and shown how unimportant I was. I let it happen.
Over and over and over
I let myself be disrespected because I thought that maybe at some point, my love would be seen. I thought that if I was patient and minimized my wants and needs that I would be appreciated and maybe then, I would be worthy of time and attention, romance, and affection.
Instead, I would get so frustrated (AT MYSELF) for continuing to allow this mistreatment of me to happen that I would blow up at the other party…for being exactly what they have shown to be for several years.
The words were even spoken…who would want to be intimate with THAT? (ME???!!!) All you do is yell and I don’t feel loved or appreciated.
Most times when I would express my feelings, i would be told how they weren’t getting it either and we would be back in the ridiculous cycle of I”m not getting it so i won’t give it. I would hear for hours about their complaints, their jobs, their wants, needs, desires, and all about their health issues and diet. yet, even when I listened and responded supportively, it wasn’t enough. It just wasn’t enough. I couldn’t get it right to be worthy of being loved with kisses and affection and attention that wasn’t just a show for the public. I want more than just a public display.
And I continued to allow it to happen.
Even though, I know I deserved better. I know that I am loving and kind. I know that I listen and am supportive. I know these things about me.
I just couldn’t understand.
Until I remembered, I won’t ever understand. I won’t ever have an acceptable explanation.
There isn’t an acceptable explanation for being dismissive, gaslighting, and rude.
It won’t ever make sense to me.
While I crave intimacy. Not all people do. While I crave listening and exchanging and talking. Not all people do. While I crave together time. not all people do.
that is okay.
I don’t have to be accommodating and continue to be supportive when I am not getting my needs and wants even listened to.
I can let it all go. I can let it all go. I can let it all go. I can let it all go.
I am not broken. I am not crazy. I am not fucked up. I am just a person that craves affection and attention and got misguided in my pursuit of love.
I had to remind myself of who I am and how I have been wired in the past: turmoil can be comfortable. Sometimes I trick myself into believing that any engagement is better than no engagement. But it’s not true. Because each exchange sucks a part of my soul out.
I want my spirit back.
I want my juicy.
I want to own my shit without taking on all of the other shit.