Once upon a time, several lifetimes ago

I was married to a man. I was married to this man for 14 years. I had seven children with this man. He wasn’t a completely bad man. He used to do some pretty cool stuff. He used to be a mostly good father. He worked around the house and he played with the kids. He worked at the prison. Which if you don’t know, working at a prison increases your risk for alcoholism, addiction, infidelity, and divorce, and can turn you into a pretty defensive fuck.

This dude was abusive to me. He was abusive. He wasn’t mostly physically abusive but he was physically abusive. He was mostly emotionally, spiritually, and mind-fuckedly abusive. He was a master at making me feel invisible. He could go days without speaking to me. He could go days without looking at me. It was a hard relationship with some joys and so many children. 8 children in all. Thank goodness they turned out mostly normal but they do have healing to do.

Most of my kids, from left to right: Alexis, Isaiah, Ned, Jesse, Kateri, and (not my child but son-in-law) Dan

My ex decided that he couldn’t work at the prison anymore due to racism and things that I just could never understand. Probably because he never gave me the complete picture so I could understand. He quit his job. He quit a job with 8 small children in the house. No steady check. No insurance. Sigh.

He started a business doing notary signings. I was a supportive wife so I had ideas for marketing and building a client base. I started calling. I made cold call after cold call. Sending out flyers. Contacting people. He started getting clients. He started working, doing the dang thing. We still needed to be extremely frugal (code for super duper broke). But he was working.

the business started getting busier. Our relationship continued to deteriorate. Ultimately, he got physical with me and I left to stay at my parents’ house next door. I took the kids and left. But then I felt bad. Felt he probably wanted to see the kids. So I figured I should take the kids home for him to see. Weird thing was, he didn’t give a fuck if we were there or not. He was still a dick. Didn’t care that we (I) had left. So I left again. He got violent again. Worse. He really hurt me and he couldn’t have hurt my baby, babies.

I called the police. I had never called the police before. He got arrested. He was out of the house. At that point, the police automatically issue a personal protection order on my behalf and he is not allowed around me.

There is so much to this story. So many little and big atrocities and hurts that happened as the separation and ultimate divorce were ultimately navigated. But the whole point of this particular hurt, abuse, power, and control.

the ultimate power play was in regards to his business. Even though, i helped build that business. I didn’t do the serving (because I was busy managing the home with 8 small children, always pregnant ornursing while homeschooling them all) but I did administrative stuff, I did promotion, and marketing. And it was right at the time when The Apprentice with DTrump was out, with the “You’re FIRED!” And my ex got into my face and told me I wasn’t shit to HIS business, had never been SHIT to his business, and I WAS FIRED.

the words hurt. They hurt a lot. But what hurt even worse was the money stopped coming in. There were no checks coming in. I had no money to manage the household bills. I found out that he had gotten a PO box and was keeping and cashing and spending all of the checks.

No Respect for me and anything that I had done and given. No respect for me as the mother of his children, raising his children. Just the overwhelming need to destroy me with no regard for the collateral damage done to his children.

Never again.

I have been hurt so many times. I am still trusting, mostly, of the good will and intention of most humans. I still believe that people are doing the best they can with what they have. I still believe in the inherent goodness of people and am hopeful that love will prevail.

But on a personal level, I will never tie myself financially to another person to the exclusivity of protecting myself. Nope. No thank you. Fuck that shit.

And now baack to your regularly scheduled program. Thank you for listening to my story.

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