It makes me smile to say it is hump day! I love saying it is hump day. Am I humping? Only my pillow, my friends. Only my pillow. But she is a very friendly pillow and we have a good time. But that is another story.
Today I want to celebrate some 2020 victories that do not, as of yet, involve humping, but they are victories, nonetheless.
I achieved a level of self-mastery. That sounds super fancy, now, doesn’t it?
But it’s true, I have mastered some impulses that I have struggled with in the past. In times past, some distant and some not so distant, if I experienced hurt, I would respond in kind. And I have been thoroughly banged, bruised, and traumatized from the hurt that I experienced last year. It was private and it was public. It was undeserved. I was gaslighted and misconstrued and maligned with friends and respected elders. I was misrepresented to customers. I was lied to and betrayed.
And it hurt like a mofo.
People who I thought knew me and loved me seemed to not know me. They seemed to believe these lies and this false portrayal. I wanted to retaliate. I wanted to blast the truth. I wanted to call her out. I wanted to say bullshit. I wanted to say but heyyyy, don’t you see me? haven’t you seen me? She portrayed me as crazy. She did to me the same thing my mother did to me.
Do you know how much rage courses through when someone gaslights you? When you are portrayed as crazy knowing damn well all the behind the scenes bullshit that they have put you through? yeah, well, it’s a lot. It’s a fuckton lot.
And here’s where the win comes in. Here’s where I got the big fucking W
My victory over myself for myself. I stayed classy. I kept my cool. I vented and ranted privately with my dearest friends and support group. I publicly stayed cool. I was myself. I took the high ground. I didn’t make excuses. I didn’t talk bad about her. I didn’t call her out. I stayed kind, professional, and welcoming but not within a reach of being hurt again.
I kept control in my pain.
Just for today, I got the win. I do believe the wins are more frequent than the L’s most days now. I forgive myself for the losses and I celebrate my wins. Each time I practice self-control and mastery of my emotions, I get a win. Each time I need to reel it in, I learn a little more about me and about forgiveness, of myself and others. Still learning and I’m happy and juicy to do it.