I wanted to set some boundaries. I wanted to remember who I am and I wanted to learn to forgive. I WANT to learn to forgive myself for all the things that are not my offense to be forgiven.
I want to learn to forgive myself for settling less. I want to forgive myself for blaming myself for poor treatment of me. I wanted to forgive myself for continuing to accept old patterns for myself. I wanted to forgive myself for being a victim. Pretending to be a victim. Staying in the role.
It’s so hard to break out of the familiar. It’s so hard to find my own way when I thought I knew what my way was supposed to be but I was just fighting the easiest path.
The path that seems so logical. The path that is screaming for me to take a step. I have traveled this path before and it lead to something new and something sweet. I am scared to take the step.
I am scared of the repercussions. I am scared of the real me showing up and still not being enough.
I have done some work. I have worked on myself very hard. I have worked on rewriting the story I tell myself. I have changed that story in a lot of situations. I have worked on controlling my reactions. I have changed and calmed myself to learn to take a pause. For that, I am extremely proud of myself. I got an award from my peers at work the other day for the one that “keeps cool under pressure”. Me. I got an award from my peers for keeping cool under pressure. hmmmmm
I am not the person that I keep telling myself that I am. When I see myself I see myself through the lens of what I think other people see when they see me…
What I think people think about me: I am out of control. I am a screaming bitch. I am volatile. I am crazy. I am unreasonable. I am hysterical. I am a fucking mess. I am fat. I am too much. I am a yeller.
But those are the rotten stories I tell myself about what other people see.
I have taken steps to reclaim my independence and my own story. I want to live in truth and integrity. I want to be treated and loved and valued. I want to forgive myself for telling myself those stories and allowing myself to stay someplace in which I didn’t feel loved and valued.
Oh my Goddess! I am rambling.
This I know…I can’t forgive my mother was undervaluing me and treating me as if I am a crazy person, gaslighting me for her own gain if I don’t remove myself from a situation that perpetuates that myth. And it is a myth.
I am not the crazy one. My wants and desires are valid and reasonable. I am not too much. I am not out of control. I am a smart, brilliant, sexy, in control woman. It’s time to start acting like it.
Speaking my truth is the first step in my new life. Speaking my truth is brave. Not knowing or controlling the outcome but taking the leap is brave. I am courageous.
I am better and more than I give myself credit for. I am going to start telling myself a new story. Starting today.