I need some forward motion.
I went to dinner with several of my kids the other night. I ordered my food and no one could hear me. They kept repeating, you’re so quiet. I was quiet.
I am quiet. that is probably the safest and most secure place for me right now. I have experienced a significant amount of hurt lately. It’s family stuff and holiday expectations but also life expectations.
It is figuring out that transition from being an active parenting mother to a mother that is available but mostly not needed by her children. I am feeling regret for missed opportunities. I am feeling loneliness of an empty the dehumidifer nest. I am feeling guilt for bad mothering times with yelling and bad relationships and bad responses. But I am also feeling hurt from the rejection and hurtful behavior of my parents which affected my relationship with my kids. I am mourning that relationship.
I am also alternating between feelings of being overwhelmed and dumb with my classes and feeling enlightened and brilliant. I am better at managing the waves of anxiety. I am better at putting it all into perspective with the overall mission. However, I still get panic attacks in the morning. I will continue to meditate my way through those waves of fear and pain and sweat.
There’s my story, some of my story of pain right now. I am really feeling the parenting pains. I am really feeling it.
It’s been deeper than that though. Confusing relationships, ambiguous boundaries, and unclear expectations are draining. I think that’s what I have been feeling: confused and subsequently insecure about myself. In so many ways, I am feeling myself: smart, accomplished, organized, on top of things. But my personal self-worth, my knowingness that I am sexy and worthy are really suffering.
I have tried to change my diet so I don’t bitch at myself for eating shitty foods and feeling and looking like a blog. I haven’t been really successful. Actually, I haven’t been successful at all. Just another reason to beat myself up. Sigh. Another setup for failure for self flagellation. Sigh.
Today was another day of pressuring myself to perform a certain way. Do enough homework. Eat this. Don’t eat that. Do this. Don’t do that. Get it done. Be nice. Be happy. Be available. Be understanding. Be. Be something. And not able to be enough.
I did do something that felt really good though.
I watched a lot of dance shows. Each time a dance scene came on that I resonated with, I got up and I danced. I tried to mimic their moves. I ad-libbed and shook my ass. I watched myself in my mirror. I tried not to judge myself too harshly. I tried to see my enthusiasm and effort and feel love for myself.
At the end of the day, I did a dance video. It was a dance hall work out. MY GODDESS!
I loved it. it was challenging. I think I can learn it with a couple more run throughs. I felt my body. I was feeling myself. I watched myself in the mirror. I watched my body moving. A little awkwardly, a little stiff, a little behind on the beat, but catching and losing it more frequently catching it, and moving. I was moving to this. I was feeling myself. I liked it.
I plan to do another one tomorrow. I just want to feel myself again. #findingthejuicy