What am I doing?

Life is weird.

Once again, I am in a space of weirdness and not fitting completely together properly.

What does that even mean? For me to fit together properly?

It means that I am not living my most authentic life. I am feeling disjointed but I am unsure what parts are not fitting.

I know parts of my personal life are incongruent. I want some more meaning and depth to particular relationships but it does not seem to be coming together. I want to set boundaries but my hopes and dreams get in the way. Sometimes I feel it is unwarranted and everlasting hope that keeps me going but it is not satisfying. And yet….

My jobs is going very well. I struggle with crazy feelings of fear and anxiety frequently still.

I worry that I am going to lose my job. I worry that I am going to fuck up. I worry that I am not as good as people think I am. I worry that they are going to discover my incompetence and I am going to be discovered for being a fraud.

It all seems so very extreme and dramatic, right? Yet, that is how anxiety is for me. That is where I feel unworthy. That’s how my mind talks to me. Those thoughts make my body cringe, quiver, squeeze through my chest, up my throat, and fills my face up until it feels it will explode!

All this came to mind today when I was leaving work. I texted my boss. In that text I broke a rule. It is an important rule but it was slight. It still filled me with extreme anxiety. When I acknowledged to her, she reassured me, “no worries”.

I continue to struggle with deep feelings of sadness. It’s not a constant feeling. But when I think about my youngest son, and I think of him often since I watch him play football, I get so overwhelmed with sadness at the level of disconnect between us. I am sad to the bone for our lost (for now) and permanently changed relationship. I miss him. I love him.

At least in my mind, that’s how I cry, sweet and quiet drops stream down my face. In actuality, I think I might look like this

Like I said, I am not overwhelmed all of the time or even most of the time with sadness but when it hits, it’s a hurtin doozy!

9 day! 9 days until I start classes again. I look forward to getting into that groove. I hope that I have gotten enough “done” for MFR prep to go into a season of classes. It will be what it will be.

Life has also been pretty dramatic in my social group. There are some serious rifts in friendships and it is sending ripples of discontent, disconnect, and devastating hurt through parts of the community. That hurts my heart. My mom heart wants to fix the situation with my “kids”. But I also know that each family and community will go through growing pains. Just like in my bio family, my Framily will have its own unique growing pains.

I do believe it is growing pains. There are beautiful signs of growth too, love and friendships and new bonds blooming. Life is to be lived. It’s messy. It’s raw. It can be sweet, spicy, and sour. I want it all. I hope that people can remember to live in some love and be more gentle and forgiving with each other. I will continue to believe we can do better.

Thanks for reading my #findingmyjuicy

It’s been too long since my last blog. Thanks for your patience. I will try to stay more active in this loveline. I think I need it. xxoo

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