Today was Monday, funday, a brand new beginning to start the week of work. I refuse to let this return to the work week be the day i bemoan and despair of the shit show that we can create when we hate a day. That is what happens when I hate my job and dread going back to work. That’s not my story!
It could be that shitty day of the week that kicks off some bullshit and gives me a chance to bitch and complain.
I have had enough reason to weep and wail.
My ex-husband was a fucking fuck. He was abusive, emotionally and physically during our marriage. When I left him, he was bound and determined to destroy my life. He didn’t succeed but he has done a lot of damage to myself and to our children.
He abused my daughter. Today, she found a voicemail in her blocked messages in which he threatened and told her off. He was abusive and he blamed her, threatened her. What the fuck is wrong with this man? What can I do for my daughter? I am here. I struggle with the words of support so I am here with my presence and my spirit. It’s not enough.
In addition, this week is senior week for my son’s football team. He told me recently that he doesn’t want me to walk him onto the field for senior’s night. He told me that he was going to ask his father to walk him across. he told me that he hated me and called me a rotten name. It was another exchange of hurtful words from a surly and shitty teenager.
It will pass. I hope it will pass.
I try to keep the lines of communication always open with my kiddos even when they are shitty for no rhyme or reason. I try to be available, accepting, and loving even when they are rotten little beasties. I want to be available again when they forget everything that they thought they knew.
Today I reached out to him. I asked him if I could be involved with his senior night at his final home football game of his high school career. He was not completely cruel but he was completely clear that he does not want me involved in the slightest. Indefinitely. His father will be walking him out on the field for senior night.
If you are single parent with an asshole, abusive ex, you will completely understand the depth and breadth of the hollowness in my heart to hear that he was given such an honor that should be reserved for that parent that actually was present. To say I am hurting is so incredibly insufficient to describe my great sorrow.
These things were extremely challenging. As I struggled through the emotions of pain, disappointment, frustration, and anger, I felt triggered to do a couple different things.
I wanted to lash out to someone that was trying to comfort me. I didn’t lash out. I thanked her for being there for me.
I felt like eating all of the ice cream. I didn’t eat any ice cream.
I wanted to bitch, scream, stomp, and throw a complete fit. I deserved to do any and all of that, didn’t I?
Maybe yes. Maybe no.
It would take a lot of energy. Energy that I didn’t want to spend in throwing a fit. I did cry. I have cried. I might cry more. But I am not staying in the sad. I can only do what I can do. I can only be what I am right now.
Regardless of who, what, where, or how I was as a mother at any point is irreversible and amended in multiple ways, shapes, words, deeds, and directions.
I choose today to start the week with juicy and joy. I had a great day at work.
I have an important job to do every single day.
My other son came over to visit and hang out. He helped me secure the shelter that was blowing all whippity in the violent winds of today.
My two daughter were home all night. It’s a new interesting dynamic between the two sisters. They understand each other and support each other. It’s so nice to see my adult daughters being loving, spiritual, and caring with each other and others.
Hello Monday. Thank you for coming around again. Welcome Tuesday.