This might not be my average post. This might not be cheery and positive talk. It might not be look at me, I sooooo persevered. This is not going to be my standard post ever.
THis is my what the fuck mom and dad post? this is my why are you such fucking assholes?
This is me screaming at the skies, why the fuck do you hate me?
WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HATE ME?????
Why the hell have you talked bad about me to my kids all these years? Why was it so awful to you that I smoked pot? Why was it imperative for you to tell my kids that I was a pothead?
Why did you tell my kids that I was just fucking people when I was going through a mental breakdown after the divorce? Yeah, I dated stupid people. Or rather I dated people that were not good for me. I should have been home more during that time. I shoulda. But why didn’t you talk to me? Why did you want to save my brother over and over and over and you couldn’t see that I needed help? I needed help, Mom and Dad. And the people who should have been supportive of me and my family were the first ones to undermine me and badmouth me.
Why did you want my kids to hate me? Why did you take my beautiful black girls and get their hair straightened when I said “No”? WHY?? They were MY Babies!
They ARE my fucking babies!!! They are MY FUCKING BABIES!!
You could have helped. You could have been better parents to me.
!hyW?! WhY the fuck did you hate me? Why do you hate me?
Why did you talk to my kids all the time about adult things? Why didn’t you talk to me? Here I go defending myself as a woman, as a mother, as a person, because you didn’t treat me with respect in any of those regards and I just don’t understand why.
Why did you hate me? Why do you hate me? Why???
What fucking sense did it make to let my sons move in with you? They were throwing fits because they were teenage boys that were hating their mother. It had more to do with their father and his hate for me and teenage angst than it did with me being an unfit mother. But that’s how you treated me when you never once asked me what happened when the boys wanted to move in with you. Not once did you ask me about it. Not once did we even discuss it. One day my sons lived with me and the next they were living in your house. The only “discussion” was me screaming at you to send my son home.
I was a crazy woman. I was livid at the unseen torments that you do to me by your disrespect and lack of conversation with me, the adult. But you believed something from my sons’ that justified in your mind letting them stay there without talking to their mother. All in the name of what? Keeping them safe from me?
I don’t even know the reason why.
I don’t even know the reason why.
I don’t even know why.
I was hurt and raging and hurt and raging and hurt and raging and hurt and raging.
I was justified in hurt and rage. YOU ARE FUCKING AWFUL!!!
Yet, my rage and my hurt was misconstrued and twisted into justification for your initial bullshit treatment of me as a person, a woman, a mother. I was gaslighted for how many years before the term was identified.
I was a good mother.
I am a good mother.
I am a good mother. I am a fucking good mother and I have repeatedly defended myself to myself and questioned and defended that I am a GOOD FUCKING MOTHER!
BUt nobody believes the raging woman. Because she is a raging woman. She is out of control so she must be crazy. She must be scary. She must be out of control. She could just be fucking pissed off and sick of being treated like shit.
I must be awful. I must be a rotten mother. I must be. My own PARENTS didn’t believe in my capacity to mother my sons. My own parents felt it was good for my 6 nieces and nephews to be with my drug addict brother living in their pole barn with his girlfriend and the chickens. But they felt I was a bad mother. Bad enough that my sons shouldn’t live with me. I must be an awful mother. I am the crazy one. What am I missing?
WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HATE ME???
Why did I let you convince me to hate me? Why?
No more, assholes.
No fucking more.
No more hating me because you hate me.
I call bullshit. I refuse to defend myself anymore. I refuse to give you anymore energy. I refuse to give you energy by hating myself, questioning myself, or justifying my existence and goodness. NO MORE ENERGY ON YOU.
This is not more normal post. I will resume my normal programming tomorrow. But for today, I say, fuck y ou and your hate of girls. I refute you haters of me, in the name of the Goddess I expel you from me. I expel you from all of my being. I reject every false bullshit self hating belief that might be in my body from your repeated hateful treatment.
I reclaim all of my cells. i reclaim all of my flesh. I reclaim my tissue. I reclaim my arms, legs, torso, belly, feets, neck, face, and brain. I reclaim my breath and my thoughts. I claim my brain and my beauty. I claim my loving spirit and soul. I claim all of the beauty, grace, wisdom, intelligence, sweet energy of the Goddess into my very being expelling all hating parental influences. I rebuke you haters. I reject you.
I claim me.
#findingthejuicy #ididsurvive #thriving #lovingmehard