What do I write about when I write all the time now?

I am writing every day for my class. Just one class. And I am working like I am carrying 20 credits.

I will settle in and get more comfortable with the process. I always do. It’s just the process of getting settled in and knowing my way around the class setting. Each “blackboard” experience is a little different but the same. I know it will be all right.

In fact, I know I will be successful at this. I decided today that I am going to do MFR. If you didn’t know it, I was struggling to make a decision about my future and MFR. Although I feel called to do it, I have been struggling for a variety of reasons and needed to reevaluate what my goals are and where I want to go. I have weeded my way through my reasons not to and found the reasons to do MFR. I’m doing a music festival. And I’m going to get my masters.

I know that the self talk will carry me through the chaos and the insecurity. I know that knowing I can do it will get me to the finish line. I know that if I believe I can do it, I can do it.

I can fucking do it. I am going to be a nurse practitioner in two years.

I know without a doubt that I will get through, not just get through this, I will thrive through this process. Why can’t I apply that believe to me losing weight?

I feel so crappy about myself right now. I have this gut that makes me disgusted. I have this fat over my bra strap that I hate. I have this roll that makes me cringe and suck in and then suffocate.

Why? Why? Why?

Why do I want to be smaller so much? Why do I feel so fat? Why do I think it matters one iota in the grand scheme of things?

I don’t know but it does matter to me and I just can’t seem to find the motivation to stick with a good eating plan. I just can’t seem to find that motivation to not eat that temporary yumminess. The ice cream, sandwich, potato chips, or too much salad and veggies or fries or whatever. Give it all to me. I will eat it all.

I don’t have the answer right now. I think it has to do with self talk. I think I need to talk to myself better. I think I need to believe I am enough. I think I need to not compare myself to others. I think I need to love up my hard earned belly a little more. i think I will do some more mirror work. #workinprogress #fatbelliesaresexytoo #findingthejuicy #lovemeasiam

I’m going to talk to myself different. I have love in my belly. Can I give you some love?

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