I came home from a women’s festival. I just came home from a place where people try to smash the patriarchy. This is a place that eschews and fights against injustices against all people. From the Ohio Lesbian Festival 30th Anniversary program:
I was greeted in the morning by sisters in various states of déshabillé wandering through the festival to the smells of bacon, coffee, and sweet “good morning, sister”. I wandered in a space for the last three days where respect was beyond a requirement, it was an ingrained part of the being in that space. The women smiled at each other. I looked in the eyes of sisters while they spoke to me. I was fully present with the women at the festival. Each encounter was full of feeling and presence for me. I am thankful that I had that time to center myself with my sisters. They fed my soul, renewed my spirit and it seems it happened none too soon!
I came home to rude and belligerent texts from my 16 year old son.
He chose to move out of my home a month ago. He moved into my parents’ home next door. He moved in because he could not “tolerate” living with me. I don’t know what the horrible injustice or intolerance was that he could not endure. He never had a conversation with me about it. “I just can’t take it anymore”.
He said this to me after I continued to expect him to get a job. I also expected him to pay his insurance bill on the car, oh wait, the 2nd car that I bought for him, after he smashed the first car, twice. I asked him to pay for his phone bill too. Although I very graciously told him, that I wanted him to play sports and be involved in extracurricular activities and I would help him since he couldn’t work as many hours. The deal was that it would be his responsibility to do chores around the house (sweep, vacuum, clean kitchen, clean room, bathroom, mow the yard and not all of those on the same day!). It was an impossible task for him to do any of the chores. He then started being more and more rude, refusing to do anything around the house. Refusing to respond to me or talk to me. Refusing to get a job. Refusing to do anything. Then he started calling me a bitch. I continued to try to talk to him. I continued to try to get him to be more motivated. Nothing worked.
So he went to my parents. He went to my brother, his coach. He told them something. I don’t even know what he told them. It was enough for them to let him move in without a discussion with me. They never called me. They operated behind my back. They undermined me again. This is not the first time. I’m sure it won’t be the last time. It is the last time I will ever speak to them again. Because of their meddling and bad mouthing and their hate of their daughter or women or me because I’m a lesbian, I don’t really know. I know that it has been all of my children’s lives that my mother has interfered with my kids and undermined me. They have changed the trajectory of my relationship with my children. #bruisedbutnotbroken
My son sent me this text tonight:
angry teenage boy thinking he’s a man
I’ll be getting my money back one way or another. Don’t bother coming to my football games or anything, I don’t want anyone to have any misconceptions that you have anything positive to do with my life. I’ll only be having papa walk me out on senior night. Seeya bitch
I am not going to be bullied by the teenager. I am not going to pay the phone bill without a please and thank you. I am not going to let this boy-man push me around like his father used to. One of my biggest fears could be coming true right now. I tried really hard to not let my sons grow up to be abusive. I hope he’s just being teenage asshole but I don’t know and it’s still my job to set boundaries so he doesn’t hurt himself. And being an asshole to women will ultimately hurt him so he doesn’t get his way. I told him to stay away from me until he could learn manners. He moved out. He is not welcome at my home unless invited. That hurt to say but I also know that boundaries need to be set by someone. I can continue being “the bad mom” that doesn’t let him get away with bullshit behavior. Even if he doesn’t appreciate it right now. I hope he does someday.
I’m glad that I know myself and love myself. I’m glad that I love myself enough this time around to know that I don’t have to own his anger. I’m thankful that I love myself enough to know that I don’t deserve the rotten treatment from my parents and brothers. I’m thankful that I love myself enough to know that I don’t have to own and wallow in this hurt.
And it does hurt a lot. But I don’t have to stay here. I’m a good mother. I’m a good person. Even if I wasn’t, jaaysus. It’s not even fucking right that a 16 year old boy thinks it’s okay to say to someone to pay my bill now or I’m going to get my money somehow, seeya bitch.
Seriously, common courtesy, asshole.
I’m happy that I got time at festival this weekend. I thought I would get a chance to do some thinking, reflecting, meditating, and make some decisions about my future. I didn’t get a chance to think and reflect much so I am not ready to make decisions. Although my heart is hurting, I have to move forward. Tomorrow I start a new class, the first class in a master’s program!!! Tomorrow I start on a new path and so the time at festival was good foundation for the new beginnings. It will also fortify me for the decisions I will be making. I am thankful to see and feel choices. #freetobe #thankful #newbeginnings #psychnp21
I’m still finding the juicy. I’m still enough. I’m still happy to be right where I am and to be aware of right where I am.