All the things I have loved and lost In the last three weeks

During festival, I didn’t lose anything.  Last year during production week and festival, I lost so many pieces of information, documentation, or office supplies.  I just couldn’t find the organization and hold it together.  I vowed to do something different and I did.

I got so many things organized this time.  My office was on point.  I had it all where I wanted or needed it and didn’t lose anything during festival.

 I didn’t even lose my shit.  I stayed calm even in the midst of a shit shower from my daughters and others.  My patience was tested and deemed true. I did not lose it. 

Festival ended and I was back in area 51.  I was back to the campus as program nurse.  I was talking to people and calling in scripts.  I was trying to piece together the remnants of my children.  When I left for festival, I had two teenagers living in my home.  When I got home, it seemed maybe I had about a quarter of one….

 I did lose one thing or two things during festival.  I forgot.  How could I forget?  I did forget about the walk out and the drama.

Yes, I lost my daughter during festival.  I am dramatic.  I didn’t lose my daughter.  I still have my daughter but she left me and moved away. She picked a fight, stomped out of MFR in a huff, and then moved to New York the next day.  Probably being mad at me made it easier for her to justify leaving the state.  I didn’t lose my daughter.  But it sure felt like it during the time.  

The other 75% loss of my child was not a surprise in coming.  My son and I have been in a very agitated state with each other for several months.  He has continued to disrespect me in word and deed.  It has not been pleasant trying to enforce some sort of honor, respect, and obedience in him while allowing him to continue to grow as a man.  I might have failed although it was not for lack of trying.  When I got home from festival, he continued to ignore me when I talked to him or texted him.  The situation had gotten worse.  He informed me several days ago he was moving out and into my parents’ home.  All I have to say is they have undermined me in multiple ways for way too many years.  Once again, I have lost a son.  This time, I have also finalized the loss of my parents.  I am done. 

I am not sad to say I am done with them.  It is for my best health and being to separate myself from the toxicity, judgment, and hate.  The damage that they did to my spirit by their deeds is still being worked out. I hope to lose and leave that all some day.  #workinprogress

Then I started really losing things.  I lost paperwork at home.  I lost speakers. I lost airbuds.  I bought some more.  I found the paperwork.  I can’t find some of my clothes.  I have bought so many things that I used to have. 

I have lost a relationship or more. In losing the relationship, a part of me was lost too, that special part that belonged with the other persons.  It sounds sad but sometimes things need to end so new things can grow and I want to grow.  #evolving #findingthejuicy #livingmybestlifeyet

In the last twenty-four hours, I have lost a cell phone, mouse, $40, eyeglasses (progressives, damnit!), and who knows what else? I have found most of those things but I hope the $40 landed with someone that really needed it!

 You know what I haven’t lost?  I haven’t lost my shit.  I mean, I have lost my shit…and found my shit, but I haven’t lost my SHIT.  I have felt pain and not inflicted pain in my reaction.  I felt the pain. I cried a lot.  But I quietly cried and asked for what I needed, which was, please let me be and don’t talk to me right now and tell me something.  I needed to just quietly feel.  I didn’t lose me.  I stayed true to me. I stayed true to the person that I want to be which isn’t the crazy person that my family seems to want to portray me as. Lol.  Damn.  That sounds super paranoid and I am not going in to too many details to support my statement so believe it or not. 

The fact remains that I didn’t lose my shit in any of the situations that would cause most people and used to prompt me to get loud and yell and respond in anger which was really just pain.  I didn’t lose my shit this time.  I didn’t lose me.

I didn’t lose me.

I didn’t lose the most important thing of all.  I don’t plan on losing any more items. I hope to slow my ass down to pay attention more and save myself the cost of replacement items.  But if I have to lose something I would rather it be some bullshit items than my sanity.  #yayme  

1 thought on “All the things I have loved and lost In the last three weeks”

  1. we are all going thru some pretty hairy transitions right now, and there have been some major shifts. myself, i seem to be doing okay, but some peeps i care about are really going thru some shitshows right now. don’t take anything personal. no matter what our children and loved ones are going thru, they HAVE to go there, for all of the important healing that’s gonna take place in this next little while. to try and save them from it (or ourselves from it, as well) is to prolong their (and our) destiny. everything will work out with time. and for those who would trash talk us to our loved ones, they too will pay for the intended separation they cause. karma can be a real bitch. those who see all of this will also see the truth when it all comes out in the wash. have patience, but whatever you do, don’ pray for patience.

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