August continues

I need help. I am not as strong as you think. I fake it really well. I am feeling so much pain right now. Family situations gone wrong and I finally see the devastation and the destruction that has been wrought.

Devastation in me. Chaos in the family unit. Crazy-making and gas-lighting.

I am alone in my pain. The crowd reaches out but the one stays silent. The one stays silent. The one stays silent.

I am lonely.I am searching.I am waiting.I am wishing.

My mind continues to race and wonder why I feel so alone.

I wonder why it is that I continue to seek out friendships and connections and still feel so disconnected.I wonder why it is that most of my friendships I have to work so hard for and my “friend” forgets about me.I wonder why I have to make the effort if we are going to hang out.I wonder why I have to make the phone call to connect.I wonder why I am not included in activities.

What energy am I putting off?

Do i seem too busy?

Do I seem like I don’t care?

Do I seem like I am unavailable?

Do I seem like I don’t want love and support on a personal level?

Do I seem like I am so powerful that I don’t want to be included?

I don’t know.I don’t know.I don’t know.

I know I have a big part in creating my life and my experience. I continue to search for my part.

I don’t know why when I want and need connection so much that I continue to feel outside of.

I wonder why I can create and hold space for so many connections that I am not included in the spaces unless I create it.

Is that little girl inside of me that wants to be popular still setting myself up in such a way that I will always yearn for inclusion and still feel excluded and unwanted. I don’t know these answers. I just know that I feel like I always have to be the strong one because no one will “have” me. What am I doing wrong?

What am I doing right? Why is this pattern repeating? Why am I manifesting this?

I continue to work on me so I can see my hurt as hurt.I can see that I have more work to do.I can also see that sometimes I do set myself up for this.What is the balance between my creation and their inconsideration?I don’t know.I just know I feel lonely.I just know I feel alone.I just know that I want so much more from my friendships that I seem to be unable to actually get.

I would like to change this situation but am unsure how to do that.I would like to have much more.

fuck

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