It’s so real. It’s so fucking real. That thing I did. You know, that thing I did where I said I was going to fall in love with me. That thing where I said that and then I just started doing things, not really believing it, not believing that I really can fall in love with myself. I wasn’t completely convinced that I was lovable.
I mean, am I lovable?
I started acting like I was completely lovable, desirable, and worth it all…to me. I started treating myself the way I want my lover, my partner, my sweet person to treat me. I started putting myself through the motions of how I want to beloved and I loved myself THAT way.
I wasn’t 100%. I didn’t always treat myself with utmost respect, love, and adoration. I didn’t always hold myself to the standard I want my friends and family to. I didn’t. I let people treat me badly. I let people talk to me in ways that I wouldn’t talk to those I love and not in the ways that I want those that love me to talk to me. I allowed myself to continue in hurtful patterns. But I also did things right a lot of the time. I had some radical self love going on in ways that don’t always feel like the most comfortable love.
I made myself work out because if I love my body, I am going to pay attention to it and give it what makes it feel healthiest. I would work out hard in cardio and strength training. But I always wanted stronger mind. I wanted my mind to know I loved it so I honored my mind and body connection through yoga and meditation. I honored my spiritual and powerful witch self by practicing visualization and more concentrated meditation and chanting mantras. I loved myself in ways that showed I valued me.
But I didn’t always feel that love for me. I still had to repeat to myself in the dead of night when I awoke with a panic attack, “I am enough. I am enough. I am enough.” The statement was complete. I didn’t need to justify my existence. I am enough. I didn’t always believe it as evidenced by letting myself stay a little sick and stuck. But I wanted to believe it and I know that sometimes positive action can change negative beliefs. I was counting on it.
Today I celebrated my 51st birthday. It’s not necessarily a milestone birthday. But it was for me. I decided to truly celebrate myself this month. I have always wanted my partner to treat me special for this month. Lol, well really all of the time but life gets crazy so I wanted to be loved and adored during this time. It didn’t always work out for whatever reasons, it doesn’t matter, because life happens.
This year was different. I chose to have it different. I am responsible for my happiness. I am responsible and can do things that bring me joy. I bought myself a kayak this month. I bought myself a big screen tv. I got to return that and was gifted one by my daughter and son-in-law but I was willing to do it for me and not be dependent waiting for someone to be good to me to make me feel good and “worthy”. Nope. not today satan.a
I planned my own birthday party. I was given the choice of what I wanted for my birthday. I usually make choices to make others feel comfortable. I do. I am a people pleaser. Then i get resentful when I am not “properly” appreciated for making the great sacrifice (of my happiness or something) and doing what I think the other person wants. Well, that was just dumb. It wasn’t working. I decided to set some boundaries. Thanks Brene Brown. That way if my expectations are not met, it’s not because I was loose with my wants and desires.
My friend said to me, really, you shouldn’t be planning your own party, let someoen do that for you. But why? Why should someone else be responsible for my birthday bliss when I know what I want, but I need to be willing to speak my wants. I have always thought that I needed someone on my birthday to validate me and make me feel special, cherished, wanted, desired, and ultimately, worthy of love and affection. Well, that’s some bullshit and I did it to myself.
I invited my whole lesbian group out for a birthday celebration with me. 20+ people showed up. It was fucking, fucking, fucking incredible. I love those women and the one dude (lol, my son-in law). They showed up and brought me the most spectacular gifts. Thoughtful and perfect for me from the person that chose it. Ya know? The perfect gift. I loved it all.
I didn’t get a birthday kiss. But I got about 50 birthday hugs and kisses. I mushed my breasts on them all. I flirted. I chatted. I shined. #iloveme And I realized…. I really have fallen in love with me.
I had an abundantly juicy birthday.
Juicy as fuck.
Thank you thank you thank you