I’ve come a long way, baby

I had the best birthday celebration. I had sushi. I celebrated me. I really, really celebrated me. I ate good food at a restaurant that I chose. I drank two drinks. Each time I chose a different one. They were both incredibly delightful. Juicy. It was a juicy dinner. I laughed. I cried. I ate good food. I drank good drinks. It was incredible. I really enjoyed it a lot.

Then I went to Horrock’s. If you have never experienced Horrock’s in Lansing, MI. You are missing out. It has wine tasting. In fact, buy a glass of wine or a mug of beer, then go strolling through the eclectic, meandering mix of wine, bakery bread, soup bar, olive bar, fresh produce, pantry items, plants, flowers, seeds, coffee bar, and so much more. Did I mention bulk candy, cards, salad bar, cookies, dairy, meat and cheese? Yeah, you got the picture. Horrock’s is a delicious and delectable store.

Tonight I had no intention of going to Horrock’s but it was in my path so I went. I was in pursuit of my new favorite wine, Huckleberry Moscato. #findingthejuicy Since I don’t get into Lansing as often, and I haven’t found a new resource for my new favorite wine, I decided to go BIG! I bought a whole case of Huckleberry Moscato. I will be set for a several months now. YAY!

My favorite thing to shop for at Horrock’s, though, is flowers. They have such a huge range and variety of flavors and accents and vases and everything that is lovely and pretty in flowers. When I went through a very challenging time in my relational life last year, I made a determined effort to love me in the ways that I thought my partner should love me. I bought myself flowers, etc. But it still felt hollow, sad, and not enough.

Tonight when I bought myself a lovely bouquet, it felt amazing. I felt delighted and juicy. I was happy to find fresh blue roses, new pink roses in varying hues, and RAINBOW roses.

I wasn’t sad and just faking being happy. I wasn’t pretending to just love me and go through the motions by buying flowers for myself. I love flowers. I do. But part of the allure of flowers for me was that someone picked them out especially for me. But not anymore. I love flowers and I love me and I want to honor myself in ways that bring me joy. Flowers in my life make me feel happy. I love seeing the beauty, the connection to Mother Earth, a small piece of the world in my home and in my space. I love them. Now, I can bring them into my world and not feel empty because I did it for myself. I don’t have that story running in my head that someone buying me flowers means someone loves me, that might very well be true, but the second part of that statement is that if someone doesn’t buy me flowers, then I must be unlovable. That’s the part that is the kicker. I was stuck in the part where I believed that to get good things I must be WORTHY and DESERVING of them, that someone else gave/proved my worth by their buying, acknowledging, getting me flowers, or something else. It was an external act by someone that was “proving” to me my loveability. Not anymore.

Haappy Day 23 to me in realizing my own self worth, in faking it until i learned to believe it. I believe it now. I love me. Your love is not required for me to treat me good. #loveme #birthdaymonth #almost51

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