Day 11 of my birthday month

I’m going to be 51 years old. I’m not quite sure how this happened. Like most of us, I think life has gone ridiculously fast and it seems it is almost half over and things are weird and creaky and leaky and cracked.

If it wasn’t for the physical uncomfortableness of getting old, I would have no complaints with the place I am in life. I have a good job. I have the best friends. I have an amazing community. I work in the woods every weekend and love figuring out my next best thing to live my amazing life.

Yet….things have been a little challenging for the last couple days. A lot of things have blown the f*** up!

Sunday, my TV went out. Sometimes I just really want to sit and do nothing or do something. Work on the computer and have some stupid, mindless, sitcom or something running in the background. It’s how I relax when I can’t completely relax but it’s a good start. Anyhoo. The tv went kaput. I was like you know what? Happy birthday to me. I bought myself a TV. I did some research, found one I like, and I ordered it to be delivered on Wednesday. YAY!

The TV showed up on Wednesday, an already rough day. I got into it with my 16 year old son. Never a pretty thing. This one was particularly savage. I got dramatic and that never works out to a happy ending. The fight blew up into a group text with my kids that escalated to hostility very quickly. #ouch #familyfightssuck

It didn’t get resolved very much. It was hurtful to me and I think everyone involved but most especially my youngest daughter. And while it was awful to hear her sobbing about how much she hates her siblings and her life and how unhappy she is with her life, I was also very thankful that I was there and could be with her. We got the opportunity to talk a little deeper about her plan to move to Canton, NY to be with her boyfriend and establish residency in the state of New York.

Oh yeah, that. Another thing that is turning on my tear valves. My baby girl is moving 16 hours away to be with her boyfriend. The dude that she has only met face to face twice. Sigh. She is completely convinced she knows what she is doing. She knows this is love and this is the course she must take. She was supposed to go there to go to State University of New York. Out of state tuition is exorbitantly high and she does not want to take on that load right yet. She wants to establish residency for a year and get reduced tuition in a year. Not a bad plan. But she doesn’t have a really great plan. It is wearing on my heart. I am worried about her and also want her to be independent.

After the blow up with the kids, baby girl was so upset and sobbing. I got to be there for her. I suggested some resources. I talked to her about how running away to be happy will not result in happy. That she needs to find some happy with herself first because whereever she goes, she is!

Back to the TV….when the TV was delivered, we took it out to put it together. The screen was cracked and coming off!! Damn. We boxed it up. When I got home from work, we were able to get the big TV into the car and return it to Walmart. I decided to wait to buy another one because another daughter said she might have one for me! Oh yay! So what I thought was a bad thing was actually a blessing. I got to return the tv and save some money.

While returning the TV, I took my daughter to dinner. It was lovely and involved blackberry moonshine, shrimp, and salted caramel cheesecake. We also got a chance to be together and there were no arguments. There was good conversation and some laughs. We face-timed # 4 out in Vegas. I jokingly told her that we were going to dinner for her birthday…without her. After the dinner, we face-timed her again and told her how good her birthday dinner was…I don’t think she appreciated my humor but Natalie and I thought it was pretty damn funny. These two came together after the family busted up last night. Reforming connections is good.

There is some more good as in happy ending in this story than I originally thought when I started writing it. hmmmmmm Am I more grateful? Am I rewriting the stories I am telling? Either way, it feels better to see the good as the story progresses instead of an ongoing shit show.

When i got home, I got a call from number one child. She told me that her husband wants to buy me a TV and what size do I want. What the holy hell is going on here? More good news has come from the family blow up. I am incredibly blown away at the sweetness and generosity. And it was such a surprise. Happy Day 11 from my son in law. Thank you.

All in all, I am incredibly pleased with how my birthday month is going. I am eating a little healthier. I am working out a little bit, doing yoga, and light resistance training. I am listening a little bit more. I am a little more patient. I am more loving to myself.

I wasn’t very loving to myself last night. I broke the first agreement: be impeccable with your word. Damn

And this is another reason why it is important and will solve so many issues for me, by not speaking with love and kindness, I hurt myself. What I put out there is reflected back to me and I hurt myself. #beimpecabblewithyourword

Happy Birthday to me. I will be impeccable with my word, to myself, and to others.

Post script

I wore a sports bra to work today. I don’t wear mascara to work 3/5 days. Why do I say share that with you? Because those are things that I would have never done in my past life. I was too vain and too self conscious and too worried that I wasn’t a certain standard of make up and push up so I didn’t always dress and prepare with comfort in mind. Now I do on a frequent basis. I don’t care if you don’t like my hairy legs and my hairy arm pits. I don’t care if you want my eyes to be bigger with longer lashes. I don’t care if my breasts aren’t perky. I did me. It feels pretty fucking good. #findingmyjuicy

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