I work in Grand Rapids now. That means several nights a week in an effort to save time, gas, and frustration, I will stay in Wayland in Moldy, on the farm. It’s a pretty good situation. It saves me over an hour a day of driving time. Which means less time in construction, this makes me much calmer. Driving in construction is ridiculously stressful and makes my temples throb. To have several days respite by staying in the woods soothes my soul in a variety of ways that I am discovering.
I have been staying at the farm in Moldy. No TV. No internet unless I hook up to my hotspot. The hotspot connection sucks. I am isolated. I work in the woods alone. I read. I do yoga. I bitch at the raccoons. Sometimes I feel alone. I sometimes will feel lonely. Oftentimes, I feel lonely.
Sitting alone in my feelings can be hard. It used to be next to impossible. I would feel compelled to fill that emptiness with anything but myself. I would call friends until someone would answer and fill up my head space with noise. Sometimes, I would listen to youtube videos. My favorite youtube university of life videos teaching me to empathetic, kind, compassionate, loving, a better communicator, a better partner, more attached, more connected, more magnetic, abundant, joyful, and juicy. All my best self help videos are from youtube.
But you can’t tell if all of those videos and chats made any difference in your personal growth unless you take the time to practice. Unless I take the time to be alone, I don’t know if the videos on learning to love myself are effective. If I continue to fill myself with noise, I can’t evaluate if anything is working and improving.
So I wander the trails in solitude at night. I wander the camp looking around. Kind of freaked out at being alone. Kind of in awe of the power and the ferocity of the womyn that created this space. I wander and I think and I visualize and I breathe.
I work on concentrating. I am not a long distance meditator. I am a practicing meditating that is working on increasing concentration so my meditation is more effective. I want to be able to focus and concentrate without constant distraction. I have taught it to myself. Now I want to learn a new practice. And that is going to take
And I have grown calmer. I have grown more patient. I can listen bigger. I can love harder. I can breathe deeper. Only thing that hasn’t improved is my diet and my exercise regime. Well shit. GOALS!
True story, though.
I am evolving again. I am becoming more of the person I see myself as. Or maybe I am seeing myself as the person that I am and I am becoming that person. Who knows?
I don’t know the answer to that question either. I do know that the changes I am feeling are good and juicy. I am more joyful and appreciative. I feel harder so I can possibly cry harder too. I know that the tears come easier in lots of situations. But stress can do that too!
There are many things are that are contributing to me getting to a happier juicier place. The hard work I am doing with and for myself are helping. The videos are helping. The meditating and trying are helping. All of these things are great and wonderful and a piece of what is helping me make real changes. There is one thing that brings it all together for me and that is being at the farm.
Being in that place grounds me in a way that I am not grounded elsewhere. Part of it is the magic of the women that have been there. It is remembering their strength and their presence. The joy and the laughter they bring every August. More importantly, though, is what I see when I am there. I see my personal growth. I see all the things I have learned. I have learned so many new skills and enhanced so many of my existing skills and talents. Now when I see the farm and the land, I see with new eyes. I see with eyes that are little more educated and experienced on what it will take to bring to air my dreams and visions. I know a little more the work that it will involve and how much resources it will need (time, talent, and treasure!)
The farm has grounded me. Every time I walk there alone, I see what magic our team has wrought. I see the vision taking shape. I see the power and the innovation of women. I see so much POWER.
Yours and mine.
I did not do this alone. I do not create alone. And I don’t want to create, do, or be alone. I want to be part of a magical dream team that keeps adding and adding and adding people to its roster because IT CAN. Because we can all be powerful. We all can be wonderful. We all can be beautiful. The farm grounds me. The farm reminds me of all this.