Negative negative negative negative negative negative
One of the women that is a resident in the home I work at gets caught up in repeating a phrase. One of her favorites is when she shares with me (she has shared it with me 3x a week since I started 8 weeks ago) is a STD test result and a statement from her doctor. The statement from her doctor states she negative, negative, negative of hepatitis C, syphillis, HIV, and gonorrhea. negative, negative, negative. And it gets stuck in my head every time. I can see her rocking and repeating to herself that she negative, negative, negative.
She also believes that all of her bones are broken and she needs surgery to heal her broken bones. When the medical doctor told her they weren’t broken, she tells everyone that he lied about her. She is now scheduled to see another doctor.
Sometimes when I talk to her, she will reconnect and slow down but mostly she is delusional, paranoid, and so very unhappy. Some things could help her to get more stable. She refuses most medications. She doesn’t believe she has a mental illness. But when she is the medications she does get a little more stable, meaning a little less delusional, a little more rational. But she refuses to take the treatment because her mental illness causes her to not believe she needs it. So she sits around feeling attacked, held captive, and broken waiting for something to change but not knowing how or what that change will be.
Most of us get to choose how to receive treatment or how we get to change our stars. We have the means and the ability to change what we are doing to get to a happier place. Whether that is therapy, medication, talk therapy, exercise, meditation, prayer, religious, spirituality, yoga, or whatever that is. Most of us can do that. But it’s not a simple thing to make changes. And sometimes we don’t have the capacity to see what needs to happen for us to feel better. We are blinded by past stories, past hurts, our belief system, our incapacity to ask more questions, or take the time to work on themselves because it’s uncomfortable as fuck.
Yet, most of us have the power and freedom to make these decisions for ourselves if we choose to make them. We have the power and the freedom. Still we don’t make the choice to improve ourselves and find some happy. Or sometimes we do make that choice and we make the effort and we dig deep and we make some changes. We grow. We evolve. We become more. We become better. We become happier, kinder, more loving, sweeter, more forgiving.
Being with and working with the mentally ill is eye opening. It reminds me of the sweet beauty of my life. I am blessed with choice and intelligence. I have will power and free will. I can choose or not choose or choose again. I can and I do choose life. I choose happy. I choose juicy. I choose me. I choose love. I choose hard talks and asking questions. I choose vulnerability. I choose to take chances. I choose to believe in the good. I choose to believe that I can make a difference. I get to choose.