Finding my juicy

I have continued to use that hashtag because it is still something I am striving for in my life. I still want to find everything that I do and experience “juicy”, life-affirming, joyous, wonderful, insightful, rich, tasty, JUICY.

Yet I haven’t been consciously searching for my juicy. I have been thankful. I haven’t lost my sense of gratitude but I want to infuse my life with #findingthejuicy again. I want to feel and experience the juicy and be grateful for this most spectacular life that I have.

Best and quickest way to get to the juicy is to live in gratitude. Of course, my persnickety ass gets annoyed when someone says to be to have some gratitude for my blessings, it pisses me off. Well it annoys me. I want to argue. Let’s be real, I do argue…blah blah blah, you just don’t understand MY situation, you don’t understand how hard my life is, you don’t understand. Yeah, they probably didn’t hear my whole situation. I wasn’t given or I didn’t take the opportunity to tell about all of my woes and the things I am upset about.

Or maybe they did listen. Maybe I got a chance to rant about the injustices, the bullshit, the rotten treatment, or how my situation just sucks ass. Maybe my friend stopped trying to remind me that feelings pass. I wasn’t ready to listen. Maybe my friend didn’t take the time or energy to remind me of the hard lessons I had been working on: it’s not all about me, feelings pass, gratitude changes the attitude. Maybe I just wouldn’t listen. Maybe I couldn’t hear. Maybe I just wanted to stay mad. Or sad. Or pissed. Or whatever that negative emotion was that I was feeling, maybe that feeling fed something in me that being happy didn’t feed.

I think too many times, I WANTED to stay unhappy. I chose to stay mad. I chose to be pissed. I chose to stay in my head, feeding the stinking thinking, feeding my bad feeling, feeding the monster that was keeping me from my juicy (yeah, that would be ME). I got some sort of pay off for these negative feelings. It reinforced my beliefs that I didn’t deserve happiness. It strengthened the stories of not being enough, this is what I deserve, I don’t get the happy ending, or whatever story that my childhood self or my teenage girl self, or the wifey poo self chose to believe. I continued reinforcing this belief. I chose to be a victim of my emotions rather than the Mistress of My LIFE.

NOT TO- FUCKING -DAY SATAN!

Today, I choose ME. I choose to tell myself a new story, to adopt a new belief. I deserve the happy ending. I deserve the great job. I deserve the deep and satisfying connections. I thrive and love being happy and juicy. I LOVE BEING JUICY.

I love being me. I love my life.

Is it perfect? Well, my house is small. It is cramped with too much clutter. I have a lot of repairs. My towels don’t match. My yard is not neatly trimmed. My home and safe space is perfect. It is my safe space. It is familiar. It fits us all. I can cook in it. I can dance in it. I can laugh in it and do that quite frequently. It is infused with memories and love. It is my kids’ home. It is my home. Is it perfect? Fucking A it’s perfect.

I got fired from my job? OH fucking well. Sounds shitty? NOPE. I LOVE MY NEW JOB> Is it perfect? Well, my office floor is dirty as fuck. The rug in there is DISgusting. It’s loud. There’s screaming people. Staff doesn’t always work as hard as **I** think they should. I love it. I have a window and watch the robins and squirrels quarrel. I have keys. I am learning a new system. I am figuring out what is working. I will be developing a plan to improve it. I will increase efficiency. I will streamline some things. I will develop relationships. I will work with and teach staff. I will make friends. I will get frustrated. I have gotten frustrated. I love it. I am so happy I am not at my previous employment. I am SO FREAKING HAPPY that life happened the way it happened.

I lost friends. I felt betrayed. I was hurt. I was hurt. That too was a good thing. More was revealed. I learned to love. I am practicing forgiveness. I am practicing tolerance, empathy, and kindness. I am PRACTICING. I am not perfect. I am practicing. I am also practicing letting go, releasing, setting boundaries, valuing myself. I value myself. That is a practice. I don’t always get it right. I put up with poor treatment. I shouldn’t take it personal. It’s not about me at all. Practicing that belief is hard. I am practicing these new skills of love. I am thankful to have the opportunity to practice these skills. I am learning and I am evolving. I’m thankful. Thankful. #findingthejuicy

I lost my clean office and a gym with wifi so I could work out every day at lunch. I drive an hour to and from work now. I have someone that I share an office with and I am making a new friend and associate. I get to work early every day and I go for a walk and practice my “I am” meditation or my chanting. My consumers see me walking and ask about it. Maybe I can be an example of doing just a little something something to get healthy. Maybe I can inspire someone. #maybe #lovemyjobhopein19

I have a great life. My dad let me use his vehicle and get my car maintenance. I don’t really like driving his car. But my relationship with my dad has not always been stellar. He let me take his car to work today. I love that. I really, really love that. It’s been a long haul but it is improving and feels better. I must have changed. #lovemylife

I came out to my office partner today. her response was perfect; it was exactly what it should be. A blip. Not even a blip. A “and???” or not even that, just another thing that is part of me. She likes me. I like sharing space. I like being part of a team. Pretty freaking cool.

I said a pray. I offered a pray. I continue to pray for a deeper, more meaningful, and rich relationship with my kids. I did a spell. I spoke and blessed and asked and have subsequently made some changes in availability to reinforce my spell, my prayer. I was hurt. I feel hurt. They are so mad. Yet, don’t take it personal. Forgiveness is a blessing. Taking a pause can save some feelings. I waited and prayed. My sons are coming over more frequently. My sons are talking to me about FEELINGS. They are asking my opinion, taking my feedback, listening to me. YES!!! THANK YOU GODDESS. I am loving this new development, this building, this connection. I am thankful. I am overwhelmed with love and gratitude. I love being a mother and this makes me so happy.

There are things about my life that I will continue working on. OF COURSE, I plan to keep working. I will keep working at managing time to fit in more of a work out program. I will work on improving my communication and love skills. I’m happy and thankful that I get an opportunity to continue to grow, improve, evolve, and be amazingly grateful for this beautiful life. It’s not what I would have planned. But I did plan it and I’m thankful that I took the time to learn some things so I can keep #findingthejuicy.

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