Were you bullied as a child? Did you get picked on? What was your “thing” that you didn’t want people to know about? Was it your clothes? Your car? Your mom? I’m sure there was something that you were picked on. Your phone? Your lack of phone? Lol those weren’t MY problems during grade school and high school.
The Diana Award has conducted a cross-section study in 27 schools across the UK and found that children were most likely to experience verbal bullying with 82.6% young people stating they had experienced this form of bullying.https://www.antibullyingpro.com/factsaboutbullying?gclid=CjwKCAjwqqrmBRAAEiwAdpDXtJ7od_At-I9ZK22psm8ZazgeNFZ4ps7hjI8Nr02t6rV4QpUhoiMkTBoCOGoQAvD_BwE
Whatever it was for you, more than likely it was something. There was a mean kid. Some guy used to bark at me when I was 11. It was awful. I was new in the school and when we changed classes (super small school), he would bark at me. Turns out he had a crush on me. Yes, that was a sign of affection, bark at a girl. I felt ugly and “doggy”. Misperception on my part, miscommunication, and misogyny on his part.
Beyond, the obnoxious boy, there were the mean girls. They were just mean for no apparent reason. They had uncanny ability to make you feel small and “less than”. Somehow it (I/you) wasn’t good enough. Our clothes were nice enough. Our jokes were funny enough. The car was a beater. They were awful. They are awful. They are still out there. Bullying is awful. Telling stories that aren’t true. Making things up, twisting your words, or adding words when you didn’t even say them. SOMETHING. They were mean in so many new and innovative ways.
Thing was, we were trapped. It made it expontially worse. Increased fear. Increased anxiety. Increased feeling of lack of control. I could not leave. We could not leave. We were stuck with this kid in school. FOREVER. If your high school was good, it was good. But if it sucked and you had mean girls that managed to permeate every area. It was awful. And there was nothing you could do about it. You were in school, a minor, with no major decision making process. You couldn’t get away.
Throughout, my many lifetimes, I had different degrees of outside friendships. For way too many years, I was home raising the kids. I homeschooled. The homeschool group we associated with was a mostly loving group. And if there were some bratty kids, we dealt with them. We were pretty involved so we could do something about asshole behavior. If it didn’t work out, which I don’t ever remember it not working out, we could choose to hang out with another family or group.
And through the years, I have experienced challenges. I went through a divorce, choosing to become a single mom, with 8 kids under the age of 14. I didn’t have a job or any training. I had no clue how I was going to manage. I managed. I made some bad decisions with my poor coping skills. But I made it through without any anxiety medication. I made it through stronger and wiser. Although there more lessons to learn.
I almost lost my home. My ex-husband took me to court every month while I was in nursing school. I figured it out. I got into several bad relationships. My ex-husband continued to terrorize me. I made bad mom decisions. I stayed in places because I felt stuck. I felt I had no choices. I made the choices. I did. I stayed stuck and continued being hurt because I felt I had no choices. That I was stuck. I wasn’t stuck then. But it felt like it. I believe I was. So I was.
Now I am again experiencing some meanness. Just meanness and division for no apparent reason. Life happens. Hurtful things happen. I have done many hurtful things. I have hurt people for sure. Because I was dumb. Because I didn’t know how to manage my emotions. Because I was impulsive. Because I was overwhelmed. Because I was sick. Because I was in pain. Because I was stressed.
But then I felt bad. I felt really bad. I went through dissonance because my actions were not aligned with my intentions. I hurt people I didn’t mean to but I did.
Thank the Goddess I did. Thank the Goddess that I felt bad, I felt guilt, I felt sad and hurt that I hurt people. So I did a lot of soul searching. I did a lot of work. I did a lot of work. Wait.
I did a lot of work. I fucked up a lot. I had to keep saying I’m sorry for the same thing over and over. I didn’t like any of those feelings. And I wanted to have a better impact. I wanted my love to show through and not my feelings of inadequacy, my feelings of smallness, and of not being enough to continue to prompt me to “show my ass” and act out impulsively.
I kept apologizing. I keep trying to do something different. I am love. I believe in people. I believe in women. I believe that most people are doing their very best. I believe in community. I believe in building each other up. I believe that WE ALL CAN BE AMAZING and that it is not necessary to tear others down (anymore) to make myself feel strong and powerful.
I am happy to be that person. I happy with my love for others, my willingness to get vulnerable, ask more questions, and do better. We can do better.
I have struggled writing this part right here. I want to bring it full circle to get to the place where I make the point that I am not trapped anymore. But to get to that point, I have to reveal something extremely personal. I have struggled with a “good” or “political” or “socially acceptable” way of saying something without putting all of my business out there. But I just don’t know how.
I feel betrayed. I feel hurt. I feel attacked and terrorized. I feel that I can’t escape because I love this community. I love this community and believe we all belong. But recently because of just pure meanness, I have felt once again betrayed and unloved and not good enough. I have felt that I cannot get away because of continued rumors. And then to have people believe the rumors without ever asking any questions. That’s what really gets to me. It hurts me that not only is she hurting me, she is creating division and chaos in so many people in this, my community. I love this community and this is tearing me up.
Through all of my life trials and tribulations, I have not taken anxiety meds. I am considering taking anxiety meds. I am not sleeping. I am not pooping. I’m fatigued all the time. I don’t know how to release this hurt and pain when it seems it will never stop. It could possibly hurt my business. It is hurting my passion. I feel trapped.
I want to put on a big show of being okay. I want to put on the smiley face. I want to be strong and “show them” and basically by my smiling face make people believe all of the lies. If they didn’t believe it then. They won’t believe it now.
I am me. I am loving. I am good. I have people that love me, believe in me. those are my people. I chose those people. I choose my loving sisters. I choose my sisters, my tribe. I choose those people. Those are my people.
Fuck the rest.