I am so proud of myself. I finished my 2nd week of work. I don’t really know why I thought I wouldn’t get a job. Truthfully, I could have started working after two weeks but I had a vacation planned. I took off a month because I could. I’m thankful for finishing this pay period.
I am settling in at my new location. I have cleaned my office to the best of my ability. I have negotiated some deals to get continued cleaning services. I have rediscovered my love of being in mental health. I love being in this setting. I love the controlled chaos. I love the challenge of starting something and getting interrupted 15 times before I finish it. I have brought in my stones. I have put a schedule on my door. Boundaries are good!
One thing I haven’t done yet is come out. I have talked about my friend and friends. I have shared that I produce a women’s music festival. They don’t know that it is spelled with a “y”. They don’t know that my friends are all lesbian. I don’t know that it would matter. But the truth is I am a little nervous. I want to establish my relationship with the people I work with before I kick out the closet door. Me. I am hesitant to be my lesbian self and that feels all sorts of wrong. Yet, I still don’t feel comfortable to be me, all of me, card carrying lesbian that loves women and everything about women.
So on this day of National Lesbian Visibility Day, I am invisible to my peers.
I don’t know what I think will happen. I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want the staff to feel uncomfortable like OH MY GODDESS there’s a woman, I must hit on her. Is that what straight girls think? I think often they do think that. At least my friends that are straight that I have hung out with had the impression that we (lesbians, in general) couldn’t control ourselves around women. Now who does that sound like?
Is it ever the woman that finds herself out of control with lust, power-hungry, control, or rage to such a degree that she is unsafe to other women? Or is that a stereotype that is perpetuated by the patriarchy? Most men historically have been fearful of women. Especially lesbian women. they do not understand us and the stereotypes abound. Stay away from the lesbians, it’s obviously contagious. HELL YES, it is, have you ever been with a woman? If you have, you know what I mean. If you haven’t, I’m sorry.
On this day of lesbian visibility, I would love to share my coming out story. I have been out for about 6 years, I think. No wait. I think I came out in 2012, maybe. So, that would be 7 years. I will figure it out at some point and remember that time so I can keep track of it. Or maybe not, because it really doesn’t matter.
I know that since the time I came out I have become the best woman I have ever been. There were other changes that happened during that time. I finally was working as a professional. I gained confidence and swag. I started learning my value. I started feeling that I was enough.
During that time I was working in an adult foster care home/campus for the mentally ill. I was the health & Wellness Coordinator. I was a fairly new nurse and I was suddenly in a position of administration. I had an office and I was part of the admin team. I quickly learned to love the feeling of being in that position. I loved my job. I loved my staff. I loved my office. I loved what I was doing.
And then I fell in love with one of the staff. A woman. A very young woman. She was all the things that I shouldn’t be dating. She was closer in age to my oldest daughter than she was to me. She was my staff. We worked together. I was her supervisor. I couldn’t resist her. I wanted her so badly. Her smile. Her body was okay. But I wanted her. I wanted to feel her lips. I wanted to feel her all over. I wanted everything.
I didn’t feel confused. I didn’t feel bad. I didn’t feel ashamed. I felt want and hunger and passion. I felt alive.
I started inviting her over. She hung out with me and my kids. My kids loved her. Not as a my girlfriend but as a buddy, remember? She was close in age to them. LOL>
Then I got outed. My daughter (#5 child) was going through my phone and saw some dirty, lustful, HOT, PASSIONATE texts between me and her. #5 told #1 child. During one of our bonfires, I was sitting on the toilet and #1 confronted me in her slobby drunk way. Imagine said young woman slurring and flopping and flinging her drunk body as she confronted me…poor me trapped on the toilet with my pants down. “Mom….I know your dirty little secret. YOUR a lesbian. Whatssssss going on????”
As I sat there with my pants at my ankles, still sitting on the toilet, I said, “you know, I don’t know what is happening. I do know I want to find out more and when I find out what’s going on, I will let you know”. By the end of the weekend, the girls (I have 5 daughters) had a big pow wow. They all hugged me at the end and told me to find me and be happy. #blessed #grateful #lesbianmom #theyseeme
I quickly, very quickly, realized that the girl was not the one for me. That was perfectly okay. She was the one that sent me over the edge of lesbianism. She was the one that brought out my inner dyke. She was the one that entranced me or un-entranced me enough to step out of what I thought my life should look like and journey into an unknown life. She was the one that inspired me to move onto my next life. Thank you. I am so very thankful for that girl. I am so very thankful for that crush. I am so very thankful for being brave enough to find out more information, ask more questions, and take the chance on changing my life and turning it upside down. No, that was not a 69 joke. lol I love lesbian jokes.
Since that time, I have dated several women. I learned to be more visible. I learned to be more comfortable being a lesbian. I settled into my dykey skin. I breathed into loving women. I learned to love women. I learned about lesbian stereotypes, jokes, uhaulers, and lesbian bed death (I could have skipped that lesson, thank you very much).
I learned that being a lesbian is being an activist. I learned that staying visible is not always easy. We came out of the closet and fought hard to be visible and accepted and now it seems we are learning to hide again if we identify as women loving women. As the world turns…
I love women. I love being a lesbian. It’s my sexual identity and it’s my culture. I surround myself with women and most especially lesbians.
#findingthejuicy #livingmybestlife #lesbianproud #lesbiansarethebest #lesbiansovereverything #lesbians #pussyjuicecureseverything #lesbianvisibilityday2019