Many people write about being brave. Brene Brown has written a whole book about Daring Greatly and what it means to be brave. Or her book Rising Strong about rising after a fall, getting up after the 2nd act, the falling on your face act. I love her books and I have connected deeply with the principles.
During the process of challenging myself to grow and expand, I have encountered many circumstances that were not always comfortable. Most of my personal growth was prompted through personal pain and “falling on my face” or “shooting myself in the foot”. Sometimes the pain was brought on my self-sabotage, sometimes life circumstances. Most of the times, I could the underlying cause was rooted in false beliefs that I picked up through life experiences that I interpreted a certain way, or as Brene Brown says it, “the story I tell myself”.
I have explored many of these false beliefs: I am not enough and the million ways that exhibits itself in my life and interactions. Sometimes it is allowing people talk to you bad because at some point in your life, I have felt that I didn’t deserve any better. Sometimes it is allowing someone to physically abuse you because at some point, I told the story that I deserved to be punished. Sometimes it is allowing poor treatment because at some point, I told myself the story that I would somehow get it right and be worthy of being loved fully and unconditionally.
Sometimes the lessons came because I did some form of self-sabotage, which didn’t seem like self-sabotage at the time but it felt like justified anger and righteous indignation at the stupidity of (others). In hindsight and through careful questioning of the “story I am telling myself”, I saw my part in the situation. I owned my own misbehavior, entitlement, and found a way to act and do better.
It is a constant struggle to remember my own self worth. I have learned through out the years to be a people pleaser, to own my part, and your part, and to take on all of the responsibilities of a relationship and interaction, even when it is NOT my story to own. If you study any child of an alcoholic or people that have been in abusive relationships, the patterns are very similar. Learn to make yourself small and do your best to be perfect so you can make the person happy. Even when that responsibility is not your (my) responsibility. You learn to squash your feelings, you learn to be perfect, you learn to put yourself aside, you learn to swallow your hurts and the minor and major degradations in the search and quest for feeling love.
It’s a very hard place to be and it’s extremely hard to leave that relationship. It takes serious personal growth and learning to love yourself. It requires learning to find that love inside yourself and knowing that you can never find it externally.
I continue to fight myself…for myself. I am worth it. I know I am worthy. My mind knows I am worthy but my feelings brain can often forget it when I am hurt or treated poorly. I can take that on and own it.
To find the balance between loving yourself and setting appropriate boundaries and owning your shit when you do something wrong is a balancing act. By actively practicing self love through mindful meditation to be aware of my feelings, doing physical movement to feel connected to my somatic body and proud of that body, and talking to myself to counteract the feelings body’s tendency to self doubt, self sabotage, and to stay stuck in the old story, I am finding that my feelings remember I love myself much quicker than it has happened historically. I am practicing self love. PRACTICING. It is a practice so I can get better at it.
Through this practice, I have learned to not respond with hurt to hurtful situations. I am not that hurtful statement. I am not that story that I used to be stuck in. I am much more that. I am more than my feelings. I am more than my body. I am more than my thinking mind. I am a dynamic, integrated being that can learn from my mistakes and revel in my achievements.
I am a woman that has overcome extremely challenging situations. I am a woman that dares greatly by trying things that people have said weren’t possible. I try things even when I don’t know how to do them. I don’t fear failure. I don’t fear change. I don’t stop because someone says stop. I don’t always follow the rules. I love being me most of the time. I love being fearless. I love figuring things out. I love taking on challenges because I don’t believe what MOST people believe. I don’t have to. I have done things that people they cannot do. they are right. So am I. I love that about me. I love my creative spirit.
I used to think that I wasn’t creative. I used to think I wasn’t artistic. But then I realized that maybe I wasn’t…according some standard that **I** did not create and **I** don’t have to accept. It’s one of my greatest gifts. I don’t think I am awesome. Well, maybe I do. But what I really believe is that I have been blessed with incredible resilience and faith in finding a CREATIVE solution. That’s creativity. to me. That’s artistic. To me.
I am living my life. I am living MY life. So the most important belief is MY belief. Like I said, it is not a one and done belief for me. I have to constantly reassess, reevaluate, and question my story. I question my “crazy” schemes. I question my ideas. But today’s horoscope was MY sign from the universe to just keep believing in ME and my strength and my incredible capacity for resilience and recreation of myself.
There’s never an ideal time for crazy schemes or oddball ideas-but you shouldn’t ever let that stop you! Today you can create your own luck. The hopes and ideas brewing deep inside you deserve to be realized-so use your creativity to make a buzz and get other people excited. Put together the plans for a new relationship, work project or blowout party. Your tools are more flexible than you realize, so try a few experiments and see what you can make happen.
Which lead me to challenge myself to learn some new things. I do not believe that I have to know everything. I believe that one of my greatest strengths is my ability to learn new things but also to find the right person for the job. Delegation in a way that enhances gifts and talents and gets the job done with the most efficiency. That being said, it’s amazing and powerful to learn new skills. Besides being empowering, learning new skills also will keep my brain young.
Today’s mission was to learn to tie knots. It’s amazing how many places you need to use a good knot. I also wanted to hone my skills on outlook calendar.
Thank you youtube university for continuing to enlighten and educate me. I love that I can stop, rewind, and watch it again. I get to learn at my own pace with feeling dumb. It’s hard to learn new things. I don’t always get it the first or 50th time. In the process of learning something new, if I start feeling nervous, I sometimes will quit so I don’t look dumb. Yes, that is self-sabotage and I won’t learn the new skill. Vulnerability is hard. Learning something new involves vulnerability and taking the chance that you won’t be mocked during the process. Today, I appreciated my youtube professor. She was kind, patient, and relentless in encouraging my learning process 😉
I am proud of myself for being brave enough to be vulnerable and take the chance to learn something new. #gome #findingthejuicy #nevertoooldtolearn #diva #amazon #risingagain #keeplearning
Being brave and courageous is taking the chance even when you cannot control the outcome. #braveaf Thank you Beyonce for your creativity and inspiration while I wrote this blog.