I love me. I love me. I love me. I love me. I love me. I love me. I love me. I love me. I love me.
Now why oh why would I repeat this over and over and over to myself?
I will tell you why, I feel guilty for little things that I treat myself to such as a pedicure…or an eyebrow waxing. My last pedicure was months ago. Prior to that I hadn’t had a pedicure since 2016. I also feel guilty for getting an eyebrow waxing. I haven’t had an eyebrow waxing since 2015. Literally, four years ago was the last time I spent $10 on getting my eyebrows cleaned up. $10. And I have to rationalize and “ask” permission of people that have NO authority to tell me what to do.
After all of this work, I want to treat myself because I got a new job. Every morning, I remind myself and repeat these words to myself:
Dawn Smith, I am proud of you….and I repeat 7 different things each day that I am proud of.
Today, this is what I told myself…
Dawn Smith, I proud of you for getting a new job.
Dawn Smith, I am proud of you for finishing your first week (preemptive, fuck it, judge me).
Dawn Smith, I am proud of you for sticking to it.
Dawn Smith, I am proud of you for believing in yourself.
Dawn Smith, I am proud of you for manifesting change.
Dawn Smith, I am proud of you for being a good nurse.
Dawn Smith, I am proud of you for being a good mom.
I struggled with that last one. I got woke up last night by my son playing video games at 1am. WHAT the fuck. I also kind of chewed his ass last night. I felt he has been disrespectful, rude, and you know, teenager asshole. Then he woke me up at 115am because he was loudly still playing video games. When he wasn’t out of bed this morning at 710am, I went and banged open his door to tell him to get his ass up and get to school.
Then he tells me…”Mom, there’s no school today”. Well fuck me and my pagan ass that forgot it is Good Friday and my kids go to a Catholic school. Gulp.
I digress. My point is that I consciously work on loving myself. I work on honoring myself in all of my greatness and glory. I work to love myself through my actions, thoughts, and words. I work to love myself by not accepting poor treatment. I work to love myself by setting a bar of how I want to be treated. Yet…
I feel guilty for buying myself a pedicure and an eyebrow wax.
I feel that I am not worth spending the money on and that someone has to give me permission. Really? It’s my fucking money. I might have been unemployed for the last month but I have money that I have saved. I work hard. I pay my bills. I take care of my responsibilities but still I feel I need to justify to …(who???) someone that I am spending money on myself.
I am a frugal person. I have had to work super hard to pay the bills throughout the years since my divorce. I was conditioned during my marriage to always put everyone else first. I took care of my ex-husband. Oh BOY, did I take care of my ex-husband. I had the rattiest, nastiest, worn underwear ever. They were bloodstained, torn, and nasty. I mean, clean, but just nasty. But it was almost impossible for me to justify the expense of spending money on new underwear on myself. Yet…it was NOTHING to spend $20-$30 on a 5th of tequila and margarita mix and have a frozen margarita waiting for his highness everyday when he got home from work. When my divorce was finalized and I finally started making money, I made a decision to NEVER wear stained underwear again and I haven’t. I spent too much money on VS bras and panties to make up for those lean years but I AM WORTH IT.
And still, even with all of my work, with all of my digging deep into my fears, false beliefs, fake stories that I tell myself, I still do not believe that I am worthy enough to buy myself a pedicure and an eyebrow wax.
I’m glad I took the time to get my toes done. They are very pretty and I enjoyed it. It felt good and I love to see them looking lovely. I like having my eyebrows touched up. #imworthit.
I will keep working on and digging out those fake stories. Each time, I feel like I don’t deserve it, I shouldn’t spend the money (on me), take the time for me, or any other event that means I have to justify my wants, needs, and desires, I will take the time to say
WHAT THE FUCK??? DAWN SMITH, you are worth it. #ownit #loveme