What does it mean to dig deeper? When you feel you have been doing a lot of deep work, rooting out flaws & fears, how do you go deeper?
I thought I was digging very deep. I thought I was finding some deep insights about myself. I was finding some deep insights about myself. I found my fears about being unworthy were evidenced in many of my actions and behaviors.
My compulsive want to fix a relationship is rooted in fear of being alone. More so, it is rooted in the fear of looking externally for satisfaction rather than looking inward for my joy and satisfaction. It also was a good way to NOT look at me. If I was forever searching for a solution and fix to relationship woes, I wasn’t looking at ME.
So I went on a mission to fall in love with me, alone, vulnerable, shameful, fat, firecracker ME. Me in all of my angst and fire. I learned that I can do it alone. I learned that fixing a relationship will never work from a place of insecurity, fear, and self doubt. I could not “fix” the relationship with my broken self. When I changed my perspective and the direction of my gaze, I was able to make some changes in me. When I changed my focus, I found a solution, an organic and evolving solution that will take a lifetime to perfect. In fact, I will die while working on the solution since none of us are getting out of here alive.
I continued on my journey of self reflection and introspection focusing specifically on my fears. I explored my feelings of unworthiness and how that came out in my beliefs and the stories I told myself. So much fear. So much self doubt. So much time wasted on silly actions based on fearful stories I told myself.
I thought I was getting somewhere. I was getting somewhere. I am getting somewhere so when at meditation tonight, I pulled the card, “self-esteem”, it did not resonate. The medium asked me what did I believe I could not do. My most honest response of “there’s not much I don’t think I can do” was the absolute truth, as I saw it at that time.
I am bold. I am willing to go through changes. I am willing to take risks. I see things and I do them. I #manifestthatshit on a regular basis. And yet, I am not living my best life yet. I know I still have fear regarding money. I also know that while I have improved my life and well being from meditating, that I have limited my visualization in many ways.
So the medium said dig deeper.
I do believe that the universe gave me that not so gentle nudge last week to go deeper. I feel the universe was saying to me, you have been visualizing your perfect future but when are you going to take that leap? when everything is comfortable? Do people ever make changes when they are comfortable? whatcha gonna do now, Dawn, without that comfortable job with benefits and a pretty decent paycheck, what NOW??? DO THAT!
So what do I do? I start applying for jobs so I can move back into my comfortable life.
Am I really going to slip bY choice into something that I was really not that happy doing?
Time to dig deeper. Old patterns are easy to stay in when you are operating from a place of fear.
Fear of being broke. Fear of getting sick and not having insurance. Fear of not being able to travel (1st world problem???) Fear of not getting what I want. Fear of being a failure.
DIG DEEPER. YES. I will dig deeper.
If I am visualizing my perfect life and that involves a festival that supports a women’s community. Or if I am a life coach and building a women’s community. Or if I am building and strengthening connections. How am I serving any of those visions by getting a 9-5 doing the same thing I have always done???
This is my time. I have a little time to explore and dream and create. Now is my time.
Thank you Universe, karma, Goddess or god. Thank you for the nudge.
I am paying attention.