What my weekend taught me

When I arrived at my weekend, my first order of business was to volunteer at a fundraiser. It’s not often that I get the chance to do community activities that are not related to MFR, L2L, or the lesbian community. When I get the chance to do it, I really enjoy my time.

I got to bus tables and serve beverages. I was blessed to see the room fill and then fill and then fill again. Every time the line would dwindle down, a bunch of new people would fill the doorway and spill through the dining room. And we would get busy again. We stayed busy the whole night. It was chill and fun. I saw so many people coming out to support our friend, neighbor, service provider, business owner. The community came together to support and uplift its own. It was beautiful. I was blessed to be able to serve and be part of it.

It was nice to get out of my head, out of myself. Out of thinking about me and what’s going on with me. Although there is a lot going on with me right now and I really am in my head a lot, I have absolutely no control on the outcome. I am completely powerless. Although I can have resolutions and acknowledgements of things I will do better and things I did wrong, it makes not one iota of a difference right freaking now. I have my thoughts.

This little wobbly plant was planted with hope and intentions to grow stronger and bigger, I too, believe that the seeds that I planted were not all bad but also good. I believe that the good seeds will grow and thrive with proper attention and care. I am able to give attention and care to improving the things that I can improve. I can pay attention to what I can change: me. I can recognize the areas that I should take ownership of and I am. But I am powerless and I trust.

When I volunteered, I was able to give what I can give, do my best, and trust that it is enough. That I am enough. What I have learned through this last week is how much I have learned and improved in my stress management. While I have cried and I have ranted, I have also had deep breaths and times of calm. In the past, I thought that I had to fix it RIGHT NOW. Do something RIGHT NOW. And the frustration and the stress of being powerless would send me into a tailspin. I would react and act in a shitty way, to myself and to others.

Not today. This past week I was calm. This past week, I was sad and worried, but I was calm and not reactive. I sat in all those feelings of shame. And the feelings of shame and potential shame are not over yet. There could be more. In my head, there already is more shame. The whole scenario of my potential shame plays out in my head. And then I stop that thought. It’s just a a thought. And I know that I can have other thoughts. That’s what I do, I change my thoughts. I breathe deep and I fill myself with peace, light, and trust. I am enough. I am enough. I can do this. I will do this. Whatever this is, I will do it. The freedom this week has come from having peace to trust in myself and that I will be okay regardless. I have felt peaceful knowing that I will be okay, regardless of the outcome, I will be okay. I don’t have to fix it right now. Sometimes the push to fix it right now has and the inability to just sit in the unknown, fear, and shame has caused me to “shoot myself in the foot”. #nomorefootshots #findingthejuicy

I was also able to spend some time at the farm this weekend. Being in the snow, walking through the pine trees, I remembered the magic of gathering the women. I remembered the power we have collectively and independently. Being outside, I find my thoughts get bigger, my dreams get wider, and I find the magic. While my work is not done in my current position, the bigger picture is that I have a lot of magic to do and not all of that will be possible if I don’t take big steps. And sometimes the big steps are from self exertion but sometimes those big steps come from stumbles and falls. Either way, I will rise. I will never stay flat on my face. I will always find a way to rise strong. #findingthejuicy

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