December 16, 2018
I missed out on a beautiful belly dancing show last night at a local Mid-eastern restaurant. My favorite massage therapist and belly dancer and festie sister, Molly was dancing. It was something I wanted to see and appreciate.
However, I was so distracted and drained from the pain that I was witness to yesterday that I just could not go anywhere else.
I was a little bit surprised by the level of emotion that I felt yesterday. Most things, in the past, have affected me emotionally but not so deeply.
Yesterday I felt it all and maybe it felt even more acute because I took it apart and I looked at all the parts. I was paying attention. Maybe I have felt all of the hurt I wrote my blog and could only feel pain oozing out of it.
I am not a guru. I am not a wise woman. I am not some person that can deconstruct these things and put them back together and make sense to people.
I am not a writer.
I am not a self help guide.
I, I, I, I, I, I…
I am so drained from yesterday. The pain from the friend’s divorce and the pain from the difficult discussion hurt my spirit.
Writing it all down brought all of my feelngs to the forefront.
AsI documented the pain I saw and felt, it all came tumbling out of my heart and body. I feel raw and exposed and alone. Every time, I would read it again to edit it, I felt my pain. I felt their pain. I sent woo. I was drained.
This was not supposed to be a super deep blog.
I thought it would be a great way for me to chronicle this experiment of my 30 day challenge.
That’s what it is. Just a fun thing to do that held me accountable and documented my journey.
This challenge is an experiment in changing someone (me) with concentrated mind & body exercises.
I didn’t realize how deeply I would go into myself when I decided to start writing it down.
I didn’t think I could write. I have never been a writer.
And now, I write all of my feelings and my experiments down. I see it in black and white. I have to edit it. I have to fill it out. I have to connect my random thoughts that make sense in my brain into a cohesive “story” so my readers can understand my journey.
I am turned inside out and I didn’t even know that it would happen.
I didn’t even know that I could do this.
The experiment is succeeding. The changes in me are discernible to others.
The changes in me are discernible to me. I can feel myself shifting my thoughts and doing different things when confronted with stress and pain.
It’s about me. It’s my journey.
I wanted to fall in love with me.
I am finding more me than I thought I would ever see.
Most of it I like. Some of it is so painful I want to put it away and hide it. Or medicate it with something.
That is not an option for me anymore. I guess it is always an option. But it is no longer an option that I want to choose.
I don’t want to run away. So I am here writing down all of my feelings. I am acknowledging that I am scared and lonely and wondering what the fuck I am doing.
And when I see the words on the “paper”, I am reminded of my experiment.
And I ask more questions…
I get curious.
I am on a mission to fall in love with me.
Which to me, begs the question, what is love?
What kind of love?
I want unconditional love.
I don’t want a license to be an asshole. But I want the love and forgiveness to be a not perfect human and still be loved fully and completely, in spite of all of my flaws and imperfections.
I want to not have to couch or hide my feelings with the fear that I will be rejected if I don’t perform in a certain way.
Which leads to more questions.
Yes,this is a journey to fall in love with me with the goal that if I love myself better, I will be loved better by others.
But yet, it is about me…The goal is for ME to fall in love with me not for me to love me so I can get someone to love me.
Do **I** love myself the way that I want to be loved?
Do I love myself regardless of whether I act perfect?
Or do I beat myself up emotionally for mistakes I make?
Last night, I ate pringles. I ate almost a full canister of sour cream and onion pringles.
I feel like poo today about it, physically & emotionally.
Why would I sabotage myself that way? I am on a mission to get healthier (and hotter) and pringles are not on my road to health.
I am so dumb. I fucked up. Again. This is how I talk to myself when I give into a minor temptation and infraction on the overall grand scheme of my goals?
All this over a fucking canister of pringles?
Nope, not today, mofo, not today.
Today,I do love myself. Obviously pringles should not be a staple of my diet. But if I eat some pringles, I forgive myself and give myself a break, just like Iwould give consolation and support to a friend that needed** a half gallon of ice cream because she was experiencing some sort of breakdown? I wouldn’t judge her. I would grab her a spoon and napkin if she needed it.
I deserve the same sort of love for myself.
The same pep talk. The same support.
I ate the damn pringles. It hurt my gut. But I am glad I ate them. I needed them or so I thought but I also know that it is not a permanent fix but at the time, it was okay. If I self medicate on a regular basis with chips and junk, I will need to talk to myself about better coping skills but as an occasional fix, it’s okay.
WOW!!! The insights I gained from eating some pringles is astounding to me. I’m pretty freaking deep.
All of this introspection is draining and liberating
I gain freedom from being a victim and a slave to my emotions each time I process and deconstruct my feelings and the stories that my feelings generate about myself.
I also get raw from dissecting everything that I’m feeling and why.
I’m thankful that I don’t have to stay in my head all the time!
I’m thankful that the universe provided a perfect kundalini practice for me today!
Because too much thinking and being too much in my head is not good for me. Finding the balance between emotional,spiritual, and physical work is key to overall health and well-being for me.
After getting a fiery and thoughtful start to my day, I continued with movement to get out of my head.
I started cooking. I made spinach dip, fried potatoes, and cut up some fresh veggies for the week.
I stayed in my head though. I didn’t listen to music or anything from youtube university.
And it was good. I reminded myself of my mantra,
“I am enough”.
I continued with positive self talk and deconstructing the harmful stories I tell myself.
I worked today: in my head, out of my head.
#findingthejuicy in being in my head and not feeling crazy but finding some liberation and freedom in seeing and loving the real me, seeing my emotions, reveling in each and every one of them: sadness, joy, pain, frustration, anger, fear,insecurity.
Every single juicy feeling I am experiencing.
I have worked hard this week. Actually I have worked hard for a very long time but the last 21 days have been very focused work. I deserve a day off and some pampering.
I gave myself permission to not listen to any videos today except music videos to soothe the soul. I took the time to do an extra session of yoga which is not a normal practice on Sundays. YAY me! But no introspective, self help books tonight. Tonight, I am treating myself to pure pleasure and comfort which is very important emotions that deserve some juicy time too! Tonight, we are watching silly and romantic Christmas movies and I am reading a new lesbian fiction. Sunday is my holy day of rest and rejuvenation for my soul.