Monday musings

Monday comes on like a barrel of monkeys all jumping in my office and through my window. They keep coming and coming in the form of pent up weekend phone calls with burning nursing needs. They jump through my awareness in emails and patients knocking on my door. And knocking and knocking and knocking. Yes, Nurse Dawn, it is Sunshine AGAIN.

I don’t necessarily hate Mondays though. I love setting the stage for a productive work week. I enjoy the rhythm of tackling projects in my classes. Work is always demanding on Mondays, now. It used to be a slow meandering start to the week when the campus wasn’t accustomed to a full time nurse. Now that they know I am there, WATCH OUT!

I had lots of feelings today. I know we all have lots of feelings but feelings are not comfortable. EScaping feelings is a prime catapult to using tobacco, sex, alcohol, inappropriate relationships, destructive behavior, and drugs. Now I know that all feelings are important and necessary and part of the #findingthejuicy of life. I also know that my reaction or response and subsequent actions are dependent on how I deal or don’t deal with my feelings.

Today, I was a little nervous about starting my day off later than usual. I have this fear of being late or missing work then losing my job. It is a completely irrational fear, yes I know. Until I did lose my job and did I manifest it or wth? Truly, though, I know that right now, in this place, in my current situation, it is an irrational fear based in feelings of unworthiness. Just not being enough is my underlying fear to so many situations.

I am worried about my classwork. Will I get it done? Will it be good enough? When will I get it done? All of these feelings can be traced to feelings of unworthiness too….when I do the work, I get caught up in perfectionism, never trusting that my work is good enough. #worthy #goodenough

And yet….my grade point average holds steady at all A’s. #gome

My daughter is buying my last car. It wouldn’t start today. It seemed the battery was dead. But I was busy and heading to my dentist appointment. I didn’t have time to help her. My mom guilt kicked in and I got testy and impatient because I wanted to help but knew that I wasn’t in a position to help right then so in my mind, I became a shit mother. #irrationalfear #bullshit #greatmom #helpallthetime #momguiltisbullshit

She managed to figure it out all by herself with a couple suggestions from me. Yeah, I will take that feeling too…I felt pride in raising strong, independent, smart, and motivated humans that are very adept at problem solving. #mompride

I also felt some insecurity regarding my new endeavor of trusting, listening wholeheartedly, sitting in uncomfortable feelings, processing in a new way, and not making any fast movements. It’s not comfortable to question every belief that you thought you had about a person. I felt uncomfortable, vulnerable, and fearful.

So far. So good. #sogood

I felt accomplished when I completed my mini-paper. I felt pride seeing a couple grades come in. And I got this lovely compliment…And I felt bliss at being appreciated…

Thank you friend for saying this about me….

You process things. See things. Integrate into the universe in a way that is brilliant and magical….

Feelings are not comfortable. My processing my feelings and acknowledging them and maybe exploring the root “story” behind the feelings will help me learn to be a calmer, kinder, gentler, and more loving person.

Today, I embrace all of the feelings. I am feeling myself and I might go feel myself. Who knows? Maybe we both will get lucky 😉

#findingthejuicy #lovingmylife #livingmybestlife #allgoodwillflow

What does it look like when everything is different?

When a change happens, things change. Which is a super simple statement that can encompass so many different things. But it all starts with the decision that something has to change AND I want to do things differently. When the decision is made to do something different, really making the decision, and willing to do things differently, everything will change.

I co-produce a women’s event with my former girlfriend and now current business partner. It was a rough going for most of the time of both our personal endeavor and our business venture. It has been tumultuous, chaotic, raw, painful, wonderful, glorious, and god-awful. We both were sick of being sick of ourselves individually and jointly.

We made the decision to break up. it was long. It was messy. It was not linear. It was painful. It is painful. It is rough as fuck. It’s ongoing but changed. We are broken up. But we are not finished. We still have a baby to raise together and that is going to take some change and some work on my part and on hers.

We made the decision to do something different. Wait.

I made the decision to do something differently. I decided to accept the break up. I decided to accept that we will not work it out. I decided to accept my lack of control over the toxicity of the situation. I decided to work on me even more.

I decided that if I am going to try to figure out a way to work with her in peace to build this space. This space that is for womyn and by womyn. This space of MFR. This container of safe space for womyn. This container that holds community, connection, friendship, knowledge, and power. If we are to build this space together for other womyn, it is imperative (for me and I can only speak for me) for me to find and build that space with this womyn, this womyn that I used to love romantically, now I will love and call my syster.

Maybe now, we can truly love. Maybe now, we can truly learn to appreciate each other because all that is left is this baby. And if this baby means anything to either one of us, and I do believe it means a fuck ton to both of us, I am choosing to believe that we both have this baby’s best interest in mind.

Co-parenting our child will require trust. It will require patience.

It will require a complete revamping of all of my beliefs that frame my interactions with her.

Things that would have angered and frustrated me as a girlfriend are no longer my concern. Things that I framed a certain way with certain expectations of a certain placement are shattered.

Nothing is the same. It feels good to try to look at it with different eyes. It actually feels really wonderful to believe the best about someone, most especially about someone that I have cared about and shared great memories. We did things together and that is a bond but it has changed and I have decided to be okay with that. I am going to learn how to raise the baby with someone. I am going to trust. I am going to ask questions and not assume the answers. I am going expect the best and be happy with happy.

I am finding my juicy again. Once again, MFR is changing my life.

#stillgrowing #findingthejuicy #livingmybestlife #lifeisgood

While we were at the farm today, my partner (business partner, that is! lol weird but cool) and I were out in the woods, listening and being present.

I watched and felt the wind pushing those big 40 year old pines. Swaying them and bending them, but only slightly at the top fourth of the tree. But the interesting thing I noticed is that the outside trees took the majority of the hit of the wind. They swayed big. But the inner trees moved but almost imperceptibly. They were protected by the outer trees who took the brunt. I believe some of us are called to be those warriors, standing guard on the perimeter, protecting their inner circle. I believed I am called to do that. I believe she might be called to do it too. We build spaces and we protect the space and its contents. We do important work together. We created it together. We will raise it together. I like that. That is also, weird but totally cool. Just learning to wrap my brain around a brand new paradigm. #changingmystory

We saw deer today. We also saw turkeys. Because we were there to do a walk about, dreaming and scheming about the Year of the Dragyn season, we wandered and we also were open to nudges from our Mother Earth. She always will send us reminders if we pay attention. I appreciated that she wanted to do that with me. When I saw the deer I got excited about what it meant for our journey.

The meanings associated with the deer combine both soft, gentle qualities with strength and determination:

  • Gentleness
  • Ability to move through life and obstacles with grace
  • Being in touch with inner child, innocence
  • Being sensitive and intuitive
  • Vigilance, ability to change directions quickly
  • Magical ability to regenerate, being in touch with life’s mysteries

We also saw turkeys. I love turkeys. Lol dorky non-flying birds that they are, I love seeing them there loving and getting what they need from Mother.

Turkey Symbolism

The symbolism of the Turkey focuses on the connection with the Earth and the abundance it provides. Generally, it symbolizes:

  • Abundance
  • Connection with the spirit of the land, with Mother Earth
  • Blessings from the Earth
  • Forms of nourishment in our life
  • Harvesting the fruits of your efforts and your work
  • Importance of community
  • Generosity, sharing
  • Having enough in our life, satisfaction

It’s going to be a good mo-fo season, yo???!!!!!

Our Mother blessed us today with powerful messages. Tonight is a full moon. We are blessed and abundant.

May Michigan Framily Reunion, Year of the Dragyn, be abundantly juicy and joyful. We ask for abundant sisters showing up gaining in juicy knowledge, skills, and connection. We ask that we operate from a space of love and community working towards a common goal and working our best, in trust and commitment to partnership and community, to have a juicy festival. Blessed be.

Valentine’s Day: to do it or not to do it

I am a romantic at heart. I love to be romantic. I love to surprise my love with gifts, flowers, and little somethings. Some of which are my undivided touch and attention. Some of which are gifts and tokens or words. A touch. A kiss. A brush against the back. On the knee. Or sweet kisses. I like to do these things.

I love these things done to me. I love being romanced and woo’d and made to swoon.

I love it.

It doesn’t have to be Valentine’s Day. in fact, Valentine’s Day is a moot commercial holiday if you are not loving on the daily basis.

That being said and maybe i will say it again. Fuck the saint it’s supposed to be named after. Fuck hallmark in their capitalistic hijacking and commodification of love.

HOWEVER.

On the day to day business of living in this crazy, frantic, and hectic, multi-tasking, downtime shaming world of more more MORE…

sometimes we get tired. Sometimes we get complacent. Sometimes we forget to show those little (my first attempt at that word was “tittle” which i find incredibly TE-telling!) tokens of our love and appreciation for those we absolutely love and adore. It’s some bullshit.

It really is. Its some bullshit that we forget to do those little niceties. We forgot to brush our hand across their butt. Or we forget to give a kiss on the neck. We forget to say thank you, i love you, you’re wonderful, i need and want you. We rush and stay stuck in some stupid spaces. We forget to get unmad. We forget our gratitude. We forget our joi de vive. We forget to love our others and ourselves.

So having a specific day, designated to say

is an okay thing with me.

Valentine’s, Galentine’s Day, V-Day

Whatever you want to call it, I like to take this day to tell people (DO IT MORE!) that I love them and I appreciate them. They are special to me and such a vital and important part of my life. An important part in what makes my life so fucking joyous and juicy.

Loving you makes my life even juicier.

Who doesn’t want that?

#findingthejuicy #lovinglife #lovingme #happyvday

Today was a good day

I am taking some space for me. I am filling my space with me. The space has been filled with fear and worry and insecurities. I have breathed in.

I am ready to fill myself with myself.

I am ready and willing to breathe in deeply. With that fresh and full breath, I envision what I really want to do. What do I want to do? How do I want to be?

I am feeling weightless right now. Recently, I was blessed with a hot tub. It’s installed in my basement. It’s not a pretty setting but I strung some twinkling lights which give it a very sweet and magical ambiance. And it’s a hot tub in my basement. That’s magical and juicy. I float and I float and my body is light and free. That is how I feel today. Free and light and floaty.

I have given myself permission to re-explore parts of me that have been bent and bruised in the past. The fear of being alone has been deeply ingrained in me. The thought of being by myself and responsible for everything seemed so daunting. But truthfully, I have been handling my shit for 15 years solo. There have been many supportive people along the way and I am deeply and whole-bodily grateful for the people that loved me up along my journey.

However, I was still handling my life on my own. Yet, I gave away a significant amount of my power with my fear of being completely with my emotions without someone to rescue me from…me? my feelings of unworthiness and undesirability? That’s part of it.

I used to become overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. Now, it’s not so bad. I have waves of grief and sadness and anger. Waves that come and quickly recede.

I’m doing okay. And I am not trying to mask that or minimize or escape it.

I am sitting squarely in me and my feelings.

That’s a pretty powerful thing.

I spent time on the farm. All alone wandering around doing a live video and just talking. Being my goofy self.

It was a gorgeous trip in the snow and a helluva hike.

Life is good and I am floating. I can choose to dock. Or I can choose to not dock. I can float. I can put my feet down. Or I can keep floating. I can grab onto something with my arms and embrace it. Or I can continue to float.

I’m thankful for breathing in and filling myself with myself dispelling the fears, darkness, and cloud so I can

A friend’s wish for me and my wish for me #womanfestthatshit

You deserve a woman who will allow you to be vulnerable, and never take advantage of knowing it.

You deserve a woman who will share in your intimacy equally, lusciously, sensually, sexually and passionately.

You deserve a woman who can stand beside you and not in front of you or on top of you – just beside you and with you.

You deserve a woman who will make you feel special every damn day of your life, because I know that’s what you give to her (she don’t deserve you).

Oh how I wish I could be her.

You deserve romance and flowers and chocolates and wine and passionate eyes only for you.

And passion only for you.

And love so deep, you would never question it, you would always know, see, feel it all around you all the time.

You would feel sexy and powerful and hot and sensual and wet and loved and beautiful every time she smiled at you.

You deserve all that.

You deserve all that.

YOU DESERVE ALL THAT.

Until you know it by heart and truly believe it.

Not sure how juicy life is right now

Things have been extremely weird for me lately. I guess I have gone through the break up for the last time. The relationship is irreparable, irreconcilable, irrevocable, and irrrrrrrrr I don’t know what the fuck.

I gave it a hell of a good shot. I tried and tried and tried in true people pleasing style. I kept working on it and working on me. I worked on me a lot. I dug into my insecurities. I dug into my vulnerabilities. I listened to millions of hours of youtube videos.

I learned that I am “Anxious-ambivalent attachment” or “ambivalent/resistant” which means, I missed some attaching while I was younger. I learned that people leave and detach. I am anxious in relationships and feel that something is going to go wrong and I will be left.

I also learned that most of my past relationships have involved me chasing after an dismissive-avoidant personality. I learned to reinforce my fear and anxiety of someone leaving me by attaching to someone that is unavailable.

After learning this about myself, I worked really hard on correcting, learning coping skills so I would not go into a tailspin at the suggestion of me being left.

Discovering my attachment style gave me a course of correction for myself. I worked hard on falling in love with myself and learning to be independent. I learned to self-soothe when panic hit. I learned that my feelings are not the truth and that my actions do not have to be a reflection of my feelings. that I can act independently of what I feel.

I learned to value myself.

however, although I held myself to certain standards, I did not hold others to those standards. I continued to allow myself to be undervalued. I continued to stay in a situation in which I was shamed for wanting love and intimacy. I was not allowed to express my feelings while I listened to hours of the others’ feelings. I continued to allow myself to feel less than because the situation that I stayed in did not honor my feelings or even listen to them. Simple wants such as time together became a shameful situation in which I was afraid to ask for what I wanted in the relationship because it hurt so much to be told and shown how unimportant I was. I let it happen.

Over and over and over

I let myself be disrespected because I thought that maybe at some point, my love would be seen. I thought that if I was patient and minimized my wants and needs that I would be appreciated and maybe then, I would be worthy of time and attention, romance, and affection.

Instead, I would get so frustrated (AT MYSELF) for continuing to allow this mistreatment of me to happen that I would blow up at the other party…for being exactly what they have shown to be for several years.

The words were even spoken…who would want to be intimate with THAT? (ME???!!!) All you do is yell and I don’t feel loved or appreciated.

Most times when I would express my feelings, i would be told how they weren’t getting it either and we would be back in the ridiculous cycle of I”m not getting it so i won’t give it. I would hear for hours about their complaints, their jobs, their wants, needs, desires, and all about their health issues and diet. yet, even when I listened and responded supportively, it wasn’t enough. It just wasn’t enough. I couldn’t get it right to be worthy of being loved with kisses and affection and attention that wasn’t just a show for the public. I want more than just a public display.

And I continued to allow it to happen.

I

let

it

go

on

and

on and

on.

Even though, I know I deserved better. I know that I am loving and kind. I know that I listen and am supportive. I know these things about me.

I just couldn’t understand.

Until I remembered, I won’t ever understand. I won’t ever have an acceptable explanation.

There isn’t an acceptable explanation for being dismissive, gaslighting, and rude.

It won’t ever make sense to me.

While I crave intimacy. Not all people do. While I crave listening and exchanging and talking. Not all people do. While I crave together time. not all people do.

that is okay.

I don’t have to be accommodating and continue to be supportive when I am not getting my needs and wants even listened to.

I can let it all go. I can let it all go. I can let it all go. I can let it all go.

I am not broken. I am not crazy. I am not fucked up. I am just a person that craves affection and attention and got misguided in my pursuit of love.

I had to remind myself of who I am and how I have been wired in the past: turmoil can be comfortable. Sometimes I trick myself into believing that any engagement is better than no engagement. But it’s not true. Because each exchange sucks a part of my soul out.

I want my spirit back.

I want my juicy.

I want to own my shit without taking on all of the other shit.