here's my day

Here’s how my day went.

I was able to get up after a hectic 7.5 hours of sleep, according to my fitbit.

My neck is increasingly stiff and painful, regardless of the stretching, creams, and ibuprofen I have been using.It makes for a slow start and everything else seems to be stiffer and stiffer.

Note to self: retire someplace warmer but not too harsh on the skin

Get some kundalini yoga in because the energy in me needs the collective energy of joining with my body and everyone else doing yoga. And yeah. All that. I need my kundalini.

Hit the office running with a call that a resident is refusing medications unless I get to the house to observe his first self-administering med pass.

Um no. We didn’t have an appointment.

Yeah, I am all for your independence but this feels a bit manipulative and yeah, there was no appointment. And since you have missed three of the last appointments that you made, forgive me if I am a little disbelieving of your commitment to growth and independence in this situation.

Figure out if the other location is ready for me to drive over and administer an injection.Did they get the meds? Is the resident in? What is going on? Nobody is responding.Sigh.Coordinated the delivery of the medication.

Prepared supplies. Will travel.

Busy work, busy work, read emails. Think about the upcoming admissions. Respond to what the nursing needs are.Prepare for admission.

Get the medication.Leave for other location.Administer injection.Meet some more of the guys at other location.New face. Everyone has a story for the nurse.Appreciate y’all so much!! Oh and by the way, we haven’t had a nurse in ages and would you please destroy this guy’s meds.The guy died several months ago.

Sad.

And the staff has been counting these some 200 pills because there hasn’t been a nurse consistently on site to destroy the narcs. Sigh.Yes, of course. Let’s do it.Destroy meds.

Pee.

Hit the road.

Back to busy, busy. Admission is HERE!RX’s transferred.

Time to meet the new girl and do an assessment.YAY!She’s a hoot and I already like her a lot.

She called me beautiful and she has a beard. Of course I love her!

Leave for home. I don’t work too late but oh yikes!So much schoolwork to do. I feel so behind. I’m not.But there are upcoming events and I have a lot to do.

Now where are those banners and tablecloths and OH YEAH! Where’s the cc??

Sheesh.Cook some dinner.Read a research article.Put in the reference.Take notes.Write two lines.Work on the bacon.

More research.The sausages are done.the cauliflower is cooking.

Oh yay!

My son showed up. He cut his growing dreads OFF! He is such a handsome guy but sheesh he needed a better barber.

Kitchen is cleaned.

house is cold.

My back hurts I am so cold.Why am I so cold?lol old habits of being so damn frugal will persist.


Somebody please come and warm my toilet seat?Pretty please?

Back to the computer.Still cold.Why didn’t I get a robe?

I must be getting tired.But I am in a flow with writing this paper.I responded to two discussion board posts and got some good ideas down for the other paper.I’m gonna handle this shit.


#lovingmylife#findingthejuicy#fuckingcold#warmmytoiletseat

It's another snow day!

When the kids were little, snow days didn’t have the same meaning for my kids as they had for other kids. When my kids were little, I homeschooled them. So we could claim weather challenges and “take off” any day that we chose. However, our homeschooling was our life! So even when it was a “snow day”, the snow was an occasion for teaching. They were all teachable moments.

I taught my kids fractions using our family as an example. Our family was 1/10th black. It was 1/5 white. And it was 7/10ths brown. And now we are 2/9ths white and 7/9ths brown. We solidified fractions using measuring cups and cooking and baking and creating in the kitchen. We made homemade playdough and walnut lace cookies. We learned to apply math in our daily lives through math interactions making it applicable and relevant.

I loved math. I loved the detail and sensibleness of it. I loved figuring it out and I loved the logic and sequence of it. I taught my kids using at least two different math programs that offered several ways to compute. Lol. I don’t know if they enjoyed it at the time. But I have nurses, scientists, skilled trades, artists, and energy workers in my offspring so I think I have prepared them fairly well.

We read. We read so many, many, many books. We read age appropriate books. We loved Goodnight Moon. I love you forever. But we also loved saints books and the bible. I didn’t want my kids to be illiterate with bible passages like so many Catholics are. So we read the bible and Chronicles of Narnia. We read Lord of the Rings and Green Eggs and Ham. We enjoyed Charlotte’s Web and Mrs. Piggly Wiggly. We read voraciously. We read every single day. I loved it so much. It was a time to cuddle and a time to listen and be still. It generated discussions and it created brain synapses. #readingoutloud #readingtokids

It was so amazing. It was a beautiful blessing and the best decision I ever made in parenting my children. I am thankful for that time and look forward to spending time with my grandchildren reading out loud.

The snow days were fun. The frozen pond was fun. I remember going out at night after testing the strength of the ice. We would set boundaries for playing on the pond. Scraping the snow from the ice. We set out lanterns and lights marking the borders. The kids would get their skates out and we would bundle up for a night time adventure. Out on the ice, the kids would tumble and run and race. The dog would be outside. Even the cat came out on the ice. Although Michael was an extra special and dedicated family member and not your average cat.

Today, mid-Michigan was blessed with a snow day. We got about 8 inches of snow last night. I was highly motivated (I GUESS??!!) and got my lovely ass outside and shoveled my whole driveway. It was misting and raining a little bit while I was shoveling so when I came inside, I was wet from sweat and rain. It was gloriously juicy. I felt good. I feel sore now but I feel alive. I am feeling.

I am proud of myself for getting active today. I am even more pleased with myself for planning for the snow day. How did I do that? By stocking up? Clearing the shelves in anticipation of snowmageddon?

I made chili!!!! I made a roaster of chili. I have a freezer stocked with lunchables with chili. I have chili in my fridge. And chili is the best on a snow day. I made a fabulous corn bread casserole to go with the chili.

I found my meditation mantra today. I have used many mantras but today I found one in which I could sink into my whole body. I was in search of some relief for my neck pain. I know my neck pain is due to sitting at a computer but most importantly it is due to stress, fear, worries, and anxiety due to worrying about stuff too much. HOlding on to controlling something.

Today, I found the mantra, breathe in “I am enough”, while breathing in I am visualizing an expanding space in my vertebra where the pain is most focused, filling that space with I am enough. While I breathe out, I am repeating” I have enough” while I visualize emptying out, breathing out, worries about sales, worries about money, worries about school, worries about relationships, worries, worries, worries, as my breath leaves my body. With the next breath in, as I inhale “I am enough”, the space in my neck expands to fill with “enoughness” pushing out my exhale, “I have enough” and releasing worries, worries, worries, clearing space for my next expansion of filling up with “I am enough” breaths.

My neck is looser. I will continue with this practice. Today, I centered myself and found myself, little bits of me. I filled up myself with myself. #findingthejuicy #bestsnowday #littlebits

It's HUMP Day!

It makes me smile to say it is hump day! I love saying it is hump day. Am I humping? Only my pillow, my friends. Only my pillow. But she is a very friendly pillow and we have a good time. But that is another story.

Today I want to celebrate some 2020 victories that do not, as of yet, involve humping, but they are victories, nonetheless.

I achieved a level of self-mastery. That sounds super fancy, now, doesn’t it?

But it’s true, I have mastered some impulses that I have struggled with in the past. In times past, some distant and some not so distant, if I experienced hurt, I would respond in kind. And I have been thoroughly banged, bruised, and traumatized from the hurt that I experienced last year. It was private and it was public. It was undeserved. I was gaslighted and misconstrued and maligned with friends and respected elders. I was misrepresented to customers. I was lied to and betrayed.

And it hurt like a mofo.

People who I thought knew me and loved me seemed to not know me. They seemed to believe these lies and this false portrayal. I wanted to retaliate. I wanted to blast the truth. I wanted to call her out. I wanted to say bullshit. I wanted to say but heyyyy, don’t you see me? haven’t you seen me? She portrayed me as crazy. She did to me the same thing my mother did to me.

Ooof.

Do you know how much rage courses through when someone gaslights you? When you are portrayed as crazy knowing damn well all the behind the scenes bullshit that they have put you through? yeah, well, it’s a lot. It’s a fuckton lot.

And here’s where the win comes in. Here’s where I got the big fucking W

My victory over myself for myself. I stayed classy. I kept my cool. I vented and ranted privately with my dearest friends and support group. I publicly stayed cool. I was myself. I took the high ground. I didn’t make excuses. I didn’t talk bad about her. I didn’t call her out. I stayed kind, professional, and welcoming but not within a reach of being hurt again.

I kept control in my pain.

#findingthejuicy

Just for today, I got the win. I do believe the wins are more frequent than the L’s most days now. I forgive myself for the losses and I celebrate my wins. Each time I practice self-control and mastery of my emotions, I get a win. Each time I need to reel it in, I learn a little more about me and about forgiveness, of myself and others. Still learning and I’m happy and juicy to do it.

#forthewin #winningin2020

Who am I?

I wanted to set some boundaries. I wanted to remember who I am and I wanted to learn to forgive. I WANT to learn to forgive myself for all the things that are not my offense to be forgiven.

I want to learn to forgive myself for settling less. I want to forgive myself for blaming myself for poor treatment of me. I wanted to forgive myself for continuing to accept old patterns for myself. I wanted to forgive myself for being a victim. Pretending to be a victim. Staying in the role.

It’s so hard to break out of the familiar. It’s so hard to find my own way when I thought I knew what my way was supposed to be but I was just fighting the easiest path.

The path that seems so logical. The path that is screaming for me to take a step. I have traveled this path before and it lead to something new and something sweet. I am scared to take the step.

I am scared of the repercussions. I am scared of the real me showing up and still not being enough.

I have done some work. I have worked on myself very hard. I have worked on rewriting the story I tell myself. I have changed that story in a lot of situations. I have worked on controlling my reactions. I have changed and calmed myself to learn to take a pause. For that, I am extremely proud of myself. I got an award from my peers at work the other day for the one that “keeps cool under pressure”. Me. I got an award from my peers for keeping cool under pressure. hmmmmm

I am not the person that I keep telling myself that I am. When I see myself I see myself through the lens of what I think other people see when they see me…

What I think people think about me: I am out of control. I am a screaming bitch. I am volatile. I am crazy. I am unreasonable. I am hysterical. I am a fucking mess. I am fat. I am too much. I am a yeller.

But those are the rotten stories I tell myself about what other people see.

I have taken steps to reclaim my independence and my own story. I want to live in truth and integrity. I want to be treated and loved and valued. I want to forgive myself for telling myself those stories and allowing myself to stay someplace in which I didn’t feel loved and valued.

Oh my Goddess! I am rambling.

This I know…I can’t forgive my mother was undervaluing me and treating me as if I am a crazy person, gaslighting me for her own gain if I don’t remove myself from a situation that perpetuates that myth. And it is a myth.

I am not the crazy one. My wants and desires are valid and reasonable. I am not too much. I am not out of control. I am a smart, brilliant, sexy, in control woman. It’s time to start acting like it.

Speaking my truth is the first step in my new life. Speaking my truth is brave. Not knowing or controlling the outcome but taking the leap is brave. I am courageous.

I am better and more than I give myself credit for. I am going to start telling myself a new story. Starting today.

I am a Goddess

I’m not broken or bad. neither are you. I’m not destroyed or rotten. neither are you. I’m not worthless or disposable. neither are you.

The people who care about us most are the ones that can potentially hurt us the most. I am 51 years old. I have lived 33 years out of my parents home. For 33 years I have lived independently or with a husband or partner. Most of the time, I have lived alone. I was married for 13.5 years. I have been divorced for 16 years. 16 years I have been mostly single. Or attached but living single. I have paid my own bills. I have bought my own cars. I have figured out everything, mostly on my own.

I have had great people in my life along the way that helped me. they emotionally supported me. They filled in the blanks sometimes. They reminded me of who and what I am and what I can do.

I have to keep remembering this about me: I am a badass, mother fucking woman that continues to grow, excel, and expand in my power, beauty, magic, and glory.

I”m going to say that again.

I am a BADASS, mother fucking woman that continues to grow, excel, and expand in my power, beauty, magic, and glory.

I mentioned all of the math above to point out that I lived in my parents’ home for only a small fraction of my life yet the lessons they taught me still continue to haunt me. I say haunt because they are not good lessons conjuring a warm feeling of nostalgia. No, they are rotten lessons teaching feelings of unworthiness, self-hate, and not being enough. Those lessons were instilled as a child during those first 18 years. They were ingrained through repeated acts of judgment and sabotage. It hurts like a mofo. And it carries on in my belief system. Even though I have twice as much time being a successful grown ass woman, mother, server, nurse, friend, community leader, and partner. For most of my life I have been handling my shit on my own.

Still the silent statement that I must not be good enough if my own parents stop talking to me. I must be so bad that they think it’s best for my kids to move out of my house and shelter them without discussing it with me at all. I must be some kind of awful that even though I have raised 8 kids, they had to take over and rescue the teenager. I must be, right?

I will keep fighting that story in my head, that story that I am not good enough. I am. I know that I am good enough, smart enough, capable enough. I know that I am and yet it is still a struggle to contain the pain with each new exposure.

How many of the exposures are self-induced? How many times do I allow shitty treatment? How many times do I allow disrespect? How many times do I stay in a position in which I feel smaller, less than, unimportant?

I have to break the pattern. I matter. I make a difference. I am not expendable. But my actions keep putting me into this position, a position that is painful but familiar. Still feeling the same feeling of rejection, insecurity, vulnerability, unworthiness, unwanted, all the un’s, because I will continue to sink to path of least resistance, the path i have always known. The path that needs forgiveness and release.

I remember when discussing confession in the Catholic Church and people just assumed that Catholics believe that if you go in and confess to a priest then you are all clean and good with God. That was part of it. The other part is that you needed to have contrition, the willingness to change, to do something differently. To be truly forgiven, you need to be contrite and willing to do something different.

#juicylikeaplum #findingthejuicy #goddess