what is going on? Where’s my juicy life?

I am not sure what is going on with me.

It’s still juicy…it just isn’t as sweet right now. Everything has a season. thank Goddess.

I have a lot going on. I am in the final two semesters of my grad program. the knowledge is growing in my brain. As the knowledge grows, the anxiety & pressure I am feeling as a future prescriber is daunting.

The coursework is challenging and illuminating. My clinical experience is educational and intriguing.

My home life is home. But I don’t feel attached to my home. I have roommates that are home more than I am…in my home. It’s their home too but it’s hard to not feel a level of resentment. I want to enjoy my home. I want to sit around. I want to cook. I want to clean. I want to be in my space. But when I get home, I feel pressured to clean and cook to take care of the space and the inhabitants.

I feel pressured by the depression that hovers in my humble abode. There are at least two family members living here that are digging themselves out of depression. At least two. Maybe more. I am not even sure what I am feeling anymore. I might be depressed too. I know the feeling of depression around me has been heavy and draining.

I go to work and it is full of Covid, conflict, fighting, and chaos. Working hard. Too hard to even get caught up. I am caught up in an endless cycle of work that just moves locations. And there isn’t any breathing room.

I go home and I don’t feel comfortable. I feel pressured emotionally and physically.

Do i put this pressure on myself? 100% for sure.

Do others have expectations that I internalize and pressurize for myself? 100% for sure.

Can I reject the expectations? I am sure I can but I don’t always know how.

I don’t feel happy. I have cried 3 times today. I also have a cold. I am sure the stuffiness and my drippy nose contribute to my feelings of generalized crappiness. I could be depressed.

Or I could have senioritis. You know that feeling? Remember being so fucking sick of school because you were almost done, one foot out the door, and yet, you still had requirements? Yeah. I have a shit ton of work to do still. And I am so sick of working, working, working, working, from one place to another. It’s just work and not much joy.

I want to find my joy. I want to find my juicy.

Where is my juicy?

But as we all know, not all juices are sweet. And even a good life has challenges and sucky parts. I will hold on, knowing this too shall pass. It is a season. Just a freaking season.

I am not sure what’s going on but adding more to what is already going on is not going to work for me. So while I have a little bit of FOMO going on today, wishing I could go hang out at the MSU women’s basketball game with my partner. However, I know that taking some time for myself, quietly, in solitude, studying, resting, BEing in my home, is the best thing for me. Missing out on something doesn’t mean that what I did wasn’t healthier and juicier FOR ME.

(so fuck you fomo)

The juice will be sweet again, soon!

Labor Day Weekend and I’m still doing MY work

This weekend was important and meaningful for me in multiple ways. I spent time driving with my lovely partner. We had an incredibly deep talk on the way to “up north”. We spent a night around the fire with friends. We had a lovely sleep in a clean, dark, and quiet hotel. We spent the next day with friends, chilling, napping, shopping, and talking…so much talking.

Friends around the fire, at the lake, in the “Up North”

I have never really had couple friends. I have friends but I have felt really disconnected from them. And I don’t believe that I have ever been involved in couple friendships. My past relationships were not conducive to hanging out with other folks.

It was not just one factor that precluded us from hanging out with other couples. First, our relationship was toxic. It was toxic on many levels. But I have to believe that we just weren’t that much fun to hang out with it. We just didn’t get invited to hang out with people. I didn’t get invited to hang out with people.

The only time we hung out with others was at work crews. Those usually ended with me resentful. I was resentful because she paid attention to other people. That hurt my heart. I was so needy and attention-deprived that any scrap of attention she paid to others hurt my heart and I felt alone (even more), betrayed, and undesirable. All of these are my stories that I supported with the actions of not being touched, tickled, or talked to without recriminations and fights. It was a toxic thing. I acted like a crazy, jealous, girlfriend. But I wasn’t. I was jealous for love, attention, and affection. I was not jealous that she was going to cheat on me. I think her cheating would have been a blessing. She would have walked away and I would have walked away and it would have ended but sooner than the extended break up over 3 years. I see this all through the perfect vision of hind vision.

They also ended with her very drunk, repeating the same stories, over and over and over, wanting to spend time with folks hanging out, not paying attention that she was the only one talking and everyone was ready for bed by 1am and the binge lasted until 3-4am. Instead of walking away, I did the toxic thing, hung on, looking for love in spaces that just did not hold it. Meh.

That was then and this is now.

I try not to talk about my ex too much because many of my new friends. I say new friends because they were truly only acquaintances in the past. We exchanged pleasantries but no true intimate conversations. As much as I would like to say I have “taken the higher ground” and that I am healed, recovered, and not resentful towards my ex, I would be a liar. I am still resentful. There were so many discoveries over the summer of ways that I changed my behavior to accommodate her insecurities, her jealousies, and her false beliefs. I spent a lot of time chasing, begging, crying, and (unsuccessfully) trying to convince someone to love me. Shame on me. Anyhoo, all of that to say, I try not to talk about my ex too much but it spills through. Not in a dogging her out fashion, but in an oh my Goddesss, my life is so different now and OH MY GODDESS, i just realized this, and OH MY GODDESS, i have couple friends now that want to hang out with me and realizing that brings me to a lot of processing about my ex and why we didn’t have couple friends.

We have couple friends. I have friends now that I talk with, intimately. I see myself and my stories much clearer. Seeing & processing my stories is not a one and done deal. This weekend, I spent time processing my old experiences and my new reality of having a partner that loves being with me, spends a lot of time with me, pays attention to me when we are alone or with others, loves to laugh, can be goofy, serious, smart, and air-headed, and she laughs at herself. She is wonderful and with her, I am better, softer, sweeter, kinder, and we have couple friends because we are in a space that makes it comfortable to hang out with others. #grateful #wegotfriends

I think that all of the processing caused me to have a nightmare and do some more processing. I dreamed that my ex was around and I kept asking her how to do this and how to do that. In my dream, I still had the belief that I needed her to fix and build things for the festival; even though, our teams were wayyyy qualified to fix, build, and repair all of the things, ALL OF THE THINGS! The nightmare was not true. I can either fix it myself OR ask people that are more qualified to help build, fix, and repair the things AND the festival. #notmyshow #thisisyourfestival

The second part of the dream was about my job. But it was a combination of my current job and my past job. That is upsetting. I hadn’t been to work (in my dream) for over a week, maybe 10 days. It didn’t seem like I had called in and i was frantically trying to call in sick, even though I was in the building and trying to show up for work. The building was tall with several floors, that reminds me of my past employment. But I was trying to contact my current supervisor. I was talking to someone while I was doing the reaching out but they weren’t very reassuring. I was trying to call my supervisor and the phone feature wasn’t working on my phone. I was getting frantic and asked the person who then became a child, to help me dial. The number wasn’t accessible, the keypad wasn’t accessible and then the ex showed up to dial the showers and explain it to me.

It was incredibly stressful and confusing so I came out here to write about it. Why was I processing the ex’s part in festivaL: it wasn’t thoroughly processed, I guess.

Here are the lessons I gleaned from my dream:

  1. I don’t need the ex to explain things. She did it in a very chaotic way that i was unable to receive. Just like in the dream, why explain things now when I am stressed and can’t hear properly? I was not in a position to be helped and I don’t need her help anyways.
  2. I have a great team, and there are people available to help (like the person trying to help me dial the phone) but I have to ask and trust.
  3. Trauma takes a long time to work through and if I need to keep working through it, I will give myself whatever time I need.
  4. Being around friends helps me sleep better. I slept the last two nights without a sleep aid.
  5. Remember to not emotionally dump on folks. Be aware of their space & their needs without plowing through and dumping my shit on them.
“The girl I used to be
was never good for me,
but she taught me how to be
who I am now,
so even though I left her
in the life I once had,
I still need to thank her
for walking me to where I am now.
Thank you for the lessons.
~ Stephanie Bennett-Henry
Art by Sherry Cook Studio

I am ever evolving, just as all of nature changes, grows, evolves, so too, will I continue to process and grow. #chrysalis #becomingabutterfly #dawnsjuicylife

Day 1 of classes

I am going to start logging all of my activities. Again.

Today is the first day of my class Psychotherapy for the individual, family, and groups.

Reflection Questions:

What might be the consequences of a therapist being too passive & accepting: in the initial phone call? First SEssion? Over the course of treatment?

If a therapist is too passive & accepting in the initial call, the patient might not feel comfortable that the therapist will be able to help them. They also might not feel they can trust the competency of the practitioner. First session: patient might feel they can “bulldoze” and that they don’t need therapy since the therapist does not challenge them to adapt & make changes for their betterment.

What might be the consequences of a therapist being too confrontational in the initial phone call? First session? Over course of treatment?

If a therapist is too confrontational, the patient might not feel safe, might feel attacked, and bullied, a therapeutic alliance will not be established & built.

What ethical dilemnas can you think of that might create difficulties for you?

I might care too much and get too involved. Also, I might try to fix it. I might not feel comfortable allowing the patient to do the work& listening

What are some family problems-or problematic family members- that might make it difficult for you to remain objective & professional?

I have a long history of trauma. I might internalize some of the circumstances I encounter. I might want to fix or control the progression of the treatment.

What challenges do you anticipate for yo in treating hot button issues, such as extramarital affairs? Sexual abuse of children? Partner violence?

Automatically siding with the victim, shaming the aggressor, being very strongly opinionated on how a victim should respond to abuse.

Socratic dialogue is the cornerstone of CBT, cognitive behavior therapy. SD is a technique in which “mutual discovery in which the therapist guides the patient through a series of questions & answers to elicit autmoatic thoughts & assumptions, and examine the logic and evidence that relates to them”. SD involves the therapist asking specific questions derived primarily from restatement of the individuals’ own words as the major technique where the individual is able to self-discover insight, which leads to subsequent changes.

1.In light of Benner’s model, where do you see yourself in relation to your past practice of nursing, and where are you now in your nurse psychotherapy practice?

Competent in my nurse psychotherapy practice.

2.How does your choice of intervention affect the outcome of treatment?

Depending on which choice of intervention, the outcome of treatment could involve pharmacological treatment, psychotherapy, group therapy, and various other therapy modalities.

3.How can a person be healed and still have a diagnosed psychiatric disorder? How is curing different from healing? How do you know when healing has occurred?

Curing involves an external factor that eliminated symptoms & disorder. healing is an interactive process in which the patient is an active participant in their treatment. Healing can exist simulataneously with a dx’d disorder when symptoms are no longer unmanageable and the patient reports satisfaction with symptoms.

This is my life. My blog might become extremely boring. I don’t know. I don’t even really care. I need to wrrite and i am not sure how and what to write right now. I haven’t written about this eyar’s festival. I haven’t written about being in a new relationship. I haven’t written in a while now.

I need to write and I needed a jump start. Writing and taking notes is a start. I’m not even going to say it is a good start. But it is a start. YAY ME.


day 25 and what’s the point?

I am on vacation. You would think i would gay and happy. I am surely gay but I do not feel very happy.
I am in gorgeous Montana with my partner, daughter, and son-in-law. I can do anything I want to do. My MT family are supportive and loving.

Yet, here I am hating my body. Wishing I was dead. Wishing my gut wasn’t so big. Still wanting to eat everything in sight and then hating myself for eating everything.

My emotions are controlled by my body, it appears. If my body feels thin, I am happy. If my body feels fat, which is most of the time, I am miserable.

I have gained 20 lbs since last year. I wasn’t skinny before the 20 lbs and I surely am not skinny with 20+ lbs on this 5’5″ frame. I have never been a skinny girl. that has never been my story. Even when I have lost some weight and felt a little better about myself, I was never a skinny chick.

at my “skinniest”, I am still a fluffy (er) girl. I have curves and rolls and my boobs bulge the buttons of the shirts. I wriggle and shimmer and shake to get into my jeans or shorts. I suck in my belly almost all of the time. I am not comfortable in my body. I am always trying to suck it, tuck it, make it smaller or smoother. It only works partially, in my mind. My body never changed from the spanks or the sucking in. It is just the same. The only thing that changes when I use or do those things is that I feel more aware of my bulging belly and under arm over the bra bulge. I feel self conscious. I feel every is judging me I feel every one is seeing my bulging body and thinking I’m gross. I talk to myself the whole time, judging my curves, hating my fluff, disgusted by the back-arm-bra- bulge in a constant state of comparison and perpetually being the fattest and the grossest.

The Portuguese word for “I” is “eu” and it is pronounced “ewww”. That “ewwwww” seems to capture how I feel myself and how “I” is interpreted by me, ewwwwwww.

Really, Dawn? Really? How do I encourage and support other women to love and honor themselves when I cannot find the space to honor myself? I can’t love myself. I have not been able to find the love and acceptance for myself.

I know there is a way to expand and grow my love of myself. I just continue to gross myself out and then shame myself for my feelings of shame. Then I eat something.

What is this feeling that prompts my eating? Honestly, I think it is a void I am filling. I say I am hungry but I don’t seem to be hungry. But I feel I am not enough and maybe if i stuff that emptiness with the most delicious foods, I won’t feel so empty. I feel I am living in lack and going without but if I just eat this one more meal, i will start tomorrow and tomorrow I won’t feel such lack in myself and in my life. but I don’t feel my life is lacking.

Yet, I am unable to sit still, just BE.

There in lies the whole crux, methinks. I am unable to just be, in my skin, in my thoughts, in my beliefs, in my feelings. I need something food, drink, work, busy-ness, bitchiness, something to fill that space of not wanting to sit in it with myself.

I recommitted to writing this blog on a daily basis to count down the days until MFR, 26 days until MFR, by the by. I wanted to chronicle the challenges and the planning of producing MFR. I wanted to share the feelings of being frantic and overwhelmed with all of the parts of producing MFR.

Now, I think that maybe I need to chronicle my feelings of being with myself. Just being.

Feeling fat is a reflection of my feelings about me. I want to continue to write and explore these feelings of not wanting to feel in the next several weeks as I navigate final production of MFR.

I promise to practice loving self-talk and if I don’t “follow all the rules” of what I think and feel I “should” be doing. Somehow, somewhere I set these rules for myself and they all just need to be chucked in the fuck up bucket.

I say these words not for you but for me. Because when all is said and done, I am living for me and my happiness since nobody else can do it for me.

I am beautiful regardless of how much I suck it in.

I am beautiful if my belly bulges. My appearance has nothing to do with my worthiness. Skinny is not prettier. I am perfect.

26 days until festival and i’m chilling in Montana

I woke up this morning, excited to enjoy my coffee on my patio, looking at the Mission Mountains.

For the past 3 mornings, I have heard a bear “greeting” me. She calls around 630am and this morning was not an exception.

Yesterday, we spent the day with my sister’s family and toured Glacier National Park. Mountains are incredible. The vastness, the magnitude, the waterfalls, and the humongous trees awed and humbled me. We hiked through the trail of Cedars and saw Cedars that had a diameter that was 4 x the size of me.

I woke up in Montana!!! 29 days

Yesterday was sort of the first day of my vacation. But damn it was a rough day of work and then travel. We were awake for almost 24 hours.

Our original travel itinerary started with a 4pm departure from Grand Rapids airport. We were scheduled to land in Denver at 5pm MTN. However, we spent some time circling the Denver airport before we were approved to land.

While the original lay over in Denver should have been 2 hours, our flight kept getting delayed.

We finally left Denver 2 hours late. Our ETA in Missoula was 1130pm. We knew my sister & BIL were coming to pick us up. WOW! were we surprised to see Ella & Logan too (my niece & nephew).

When we finally got our luggage and went outside, damn! There was the ghetto gypsy, my brother’s decked out, pimping, party BUS! What a freaking blast.

The ride to Ronan from Missoula was uneventful. It was too dark to see the mountains, again. I knew what would be awaiting me when I finally fell asleep and woke up: MOUNTAINVIEW.

The view here is gorgeous, just like a postcard, better than a postcard. I think I just heard a bear.

There is 29 days left until festival and I am on vacation. Several of the crew will be at the farm working this weekend, keeping production rolling and on schedule.

Part of the plumbing crew will be there do a mock construction of the plumbing for the gray holding tanks.

Grounds crew will be there handling like a mofo:

Spreading out carpets in ARC, every other tree row, to provide a “side walk” facilitating easier movement through ARC, (for women with mobility concerns). Q-tipping performer tent (releasing trapped water from the top of the tent, due to “pooling” in unlevel places). AND scrubbing the water totes, conquering that beast.

I am working extremely hard to get all of the tickets mailed out and more ticket sales keep coming in. YAY!!! MFR is going to be grand and glorious this year, our fifth anniversary.

I don’t know how I did it. OH WAIT! I don’t know how I did it because I DID NOT DO IT. MFR was a true community effort. The various crews have come together beautifully and synergistically. They have accomplished more together than the sum of their separate parts.

I was so worried about plumbing and electrical and grounds and so many parts of this festival. I was scared when M walked away that I would not be able to figure it out and produce this festival without her. I was right and I was wrong. I could not produce this alone. But I did produce this alone. I jsut didn’t micromanage or do all of the various production pieces. The crews did the pieces.

I learned to release and let go of so many things through out this production season. Each time I let it go, I learn more. I learn to trust the process, I learn to trust the people. I learn to trust my path and my vision. I learn that letting go is empowering and freeing. I am learning that my true power rests in trust, peace, and love. Without these elements, I can NOT produce festival, alone. With these elements, I am never alone. It is a curious mystery that I will spend many more years learning, unlearning, learning again.

29 days until festival and I feel amazing. I am in Montana. All is well. I am tired from lack of sleep but I am in MONTANA, on my patio, drinking coffee, looking at the mountains, and listening to Montana sounds!

I went in for another cup of coffee and found this confirmation from the universe:

I asked the question, “will festival be all right?” and I got this.

#dawnsjuicylife #montana #bigskycountry #dykeadventures

Daily writing is hard. 34 days until festival

Good morning. My intention was to write every day to document a little bit of the brain action that I experience in the final month before festival. That hasn’t happened.

I took a break from primary production mode. There was No work crew last weekend because Michigan is in typhoon season. It has rained, very heavy rains for the last 10 days in mid-Michigan. There has also been a tornado in Ionia county. The county that is located right in the middle work and home. Normally, I don’t take cover. But this time, the storm was extremely severe so we hit the basement for cover.

Taking refuge in the basement was a safe space from the possible tornado. In addition, it was a perfect opportunity to help Carmen unpack and set up her space.

She moved in two weeks ago. She hasn’t completely unpacked, which is understandable. There is a lot of change of starting a new job and moving, in addition to selling her house. Add on to that, an injured knee that is extremely painful. We were super happy to give a helping hand to our fam.

I am over writing about this day. I will write another blog about our travel day.

guess this is an every other day posting…36 days

Well crap. I forgot to write in here again.

It’s 36 days until festival. I am feeling an extreme amount of stress.

But today. Let’s focus, *I* shall focus on the positive, the good, the yummy, the JUICY.

my dad is in town from Montana. We are developing a relationship. It is sweet and is good for me, and I think it is good for him. It really touches my spirit. I enjoy his company so much and that is weird. I guess it is weird because it feels pressure-free.

I don’t want to go down the negative rabbit trail of my feelings regarding my parents (mom & adopted dad). I will say it was never pressure-free. It has felt like a big giant chasm of hurt feelings and anger for a very long time. To be able to feel pressure free love and enjoyment with my bio dad is a glorious and juicy thing.

Yesterday was not a very comfortable day. I worked really hard at my day job. Thursday is the fullest day of my work week. It is the provider day which means Treatment team, med reviews, and injections are all scheduled for Thursdays. I do not feel good about yesterday because I felt pressured and reacted with grouchiness.

I hate when i react with grouchiness, it hurts my spirit. I feel shame because I feel i should be more kind, compassionate, empathetic, patient, understanding….accommodating….

Is that part of my people pleasing? Should I do better? Is that a patriarchal belief that I should be held to a certain “keep smiling”, “be Nice”, standard that men are not expected to uphold? Maybe.

Should I treat myself with that same kindness, compassion, empathy that I give to others when they react when stressed, tired, overwhelmed, traumatized? It seems like if I am going to create a safe space for women with mission statement that includes forgiveness, second chances, and discussion, I deserve that exact same safe space for myself, from myself.

This is a short blog because I forgot to finish it yesterday.

poo. start again tomorrow.

36 days!!

And no work crew planned for tomorrow due to thunderstorms and no work crew for the following weekend due to Fourth of July weekend. It all will get done. All is well and developing perfectly.

#dawnsjuicylife #mfrmagic

i missed a day shame on me 36 days til MFR

Yesterday is a blur to me. I missed my boo so much. I didn’t sleep the night before. I don’t remember much about yesterday except I was exhausted and tired. Oh that’s the same thing, right?

I do remember submitting 10 water samples to a private lab for testing. That was incredibly stressful. I don’t know why. I think it’s because it is a tremendous responsibility to provide drinking water to several hundred people. Making sure that it is safe and minimal bacteria, meeting EPA standards. And I wanted it to pass. I wanted to get it right so it could be done. Ya know? One less thing to worry about.

I got a call from the lab asking about the samples. I asked the price. HOLY WATER Robbery! It was going to be $70/sample. $700!!!


I asked him to only test 3 samples: 1,4, and 7. That is a good start and will give me a baseline for the future work of the water saga. Results in 24 hours.

The happy ending to this story:

While speaking with a committee member, Ashley, she reminded me that health departments test water. Today, I clarified with Allegan County the requirements. I am able to submit to any health department. I am able to submit the samples to Kent County, which is closer to my job, making it much easier & convenient. YAY! Thanks Ashley! She is such a blessing.

this morning, I was planning to be in to work at 630, which means leaving the house at 540am. Sigh. I was exhausted last night and this morning I woke up more rested but still tired. My head hurt. I decided to call off. I went back to sleep and slept so goooooooood. My poor partner wasn’t aware that I called off and she got worried when she hadn’t heard from me for several hours after a good morning text at 5am.

I rolled out of bed and started reviewing emails and contracts. I did several postings in both groups, L2L and MFR. MFR has a robust response that is still happening. L2L is mostly crickets. Sigh. I will have to look at that after festival.

I signed up for a Leadership training via zoom, scheduled for this afternoon. I was able to get the citrix receiver (needed for remote access into my job network) installed prior to the zoom training and get logged & punched in! Yay! This means, I won’t have to use any PTO for my requested day off on Friday.

The leadership training was intriguing and relevant for my Nurse job and for leading the cats for MFR. I love it. I really do. The energy of pulling together resources and placing them in the 1. job they are interested in, 2. the job they have the skills for or can learn at. It is fun and empowering. This training showed me new ways to get to our mutual goals.

My baby came home today. She was home around 1130. After her shower, we tested out the counter. Truthfully, I have never experienced what I have with, with anyone else. She is willing to get adventurous and we play so much. It is awesome. It is a testimony to our aging and injured bodies, that she needed a boost up to get onto the counter today.

My snuggle buddy

And now we are cuddled up, close and connected, as we should be, while working independently. I love us.

There is a Warrior Work Crew planned for the weekend. I am feeling out of sorts, not able to figure out which direction to go in production. I figured out a plan and posted it, recruiting volunteers/crew for the weekend.

I also heard back from the local electrician that has graciously provided service, quickly, efficiently, and for a great price! He was able to look at the circuit that kept tripping. Power is back to showers. And he plans to meet me there on Saturday to look at the float. His first words to me today, “this is some hillbilly contraption”. that was something to me. This is more confirmation that my previous faith and trust was incredibly misplaced. That certain quality standards are based on bad information. It shows me that I should never stop asking questions and learning more. It is a sign that I knew more than I realized and that I was right for speaking up and asking questions. Go Me. There are a million ways to skin a cat and all that open minded shit.

ha-ha, Dwight

Things are going ridiculously well. I don’t understand it. I don’t know exactly how this is happening. And WHOA!

It’s so fucking magical. I am so grateful. I am in awe at the magnitude of #mfrmagic

There’s only 36 days. It’s probably going to rain on Saturday. We are going to scrub totes. Spread carpeting. Get shit done because that’s what Dragyn Warriors do.

#dragynwarriors #dawnsjuicylife #getitgirl #womendoitbetter

If ain’t one thing, it’s another. 38 days

6.21.2021. If ain’t one thing, it’s another

Today was Monday. It is 8 days until I go on vacation. I am going to Montana to see my family, my dad, sister & brother-in-law, brother, niece and nephew. Maybe an uncle or two. I am really excited to go away and check out of my work life. Although, with MFR, I never can completely check out. There are always questions and other things to do, even when on vacation. So is the life of a business owner, heh?
In addition, it seems that whenever I go on vacation, work gets 5 times as intense, preparing to be gone, and preparing for my return. It’s a lot to think about and get done in a short amount of time.

Also, there is still so much to think about with what needs to be done to prepare for festival.
My partner is out of town, caring for and attending to her mother. Her mother had a pulmonary embolism and had surgery this morning. Minnie is in Mt. Clemens, far, far away.

My honey boo. My Minnie. My favorite. My ground. 💜❤️💜

For that reason and to get some putzing work done at the Farm, I chose to stay up here tonight.

I did just that: putzed around. I cleaned out my clothes totes. I strung a string of lights by Chem-Free firepit. I dipped and got 10 water samples, to be dropped off tomorrow for testing!!! I feel a fair amount of anxiety regarding these water samples. A part of me really wants to get this right, not only to get it right for MFR but also to be as good as M.

Sigh, fucking ego.

I sprayed some poison ivy.
I wandered the trails, thinking, listening, finding my ground, my peace, and doing an active meditation on the power, magnitude, majesty, and magic of this pine tree farm.

Tomorrow is a workday and I want to get in early. I have a massage scheduled for tomorrow at 4:15pm! Yay, ME! This means I need to figure out if I want to shower tonight or tomorrow morning.
I thought it would be prudent and make the most sense to shower tonight.

I was undecided if I would shower outside or inside the house. It’s supposed to get cold tonight, but it’s not cold…yet! I should take advantage of the beautiful outdoor showers, revel in the power of being free and naked, physically and emotionally, revealing my vulnerability and fear, in the forest.
I decided to shower outside.

I guess it was good that I chose this option, since a problem presented itself!!!
(Although, it sent me into a little bit of a crying jag)
The shower tripped the GFI, then when I went inside to reset the breaker, I couldn’t get the breaker to reset.
Fucking fuck
Fucking fuckity fuck fuck FUCK
After crying several tears and video calling Becky, my friend fixer from Chicago, I just decided.
Fuck it. I want these damn showers. I don’t know when the plumbing team will get a chance to look at it. I got into the damn solution and texted my electrician (new) friend from across the road.
He is coming to look at it tomorrow.

My peaceful And oh so pussy, Polly camp.

While it is important that I always try to use women providers and women volunteers, it is also important to cultivate local relationships. We live in this world together.

grateful #humble #nottooproudtoaskforhelp

So, I showered in the house. And now I sit on my patio of Polly, really quite cold, and also committed to writing every day until festival. 38 days until Vendor load in, the true MFR opening.

One of the things I saw (again) tonight, while wandering the trails, were two crows. I have seen these crows multiple times. They live close to Bruno Shuttle Path, I believe.
They were on the ground by She-Shed. They saw me and continued hunting bugs, I would imagine. They did not fly off, although, most times, they do fly off, it never appears-to be an act of fleeing the scene or danger. It appears to be more of an “Okay, I see you, you are going to be here for a while. That’s okay. I will allow you in the space. It is yours also”.
This is probably the 6th time I have seen this pair of crows so I decided to look up their spiritual meaning.

A few cultures believe they are a sign of a dark omen. However, the Native Americans and the Celtic people believe they are a good sign. Check it out:

Crow Celtic Symbolism
Like the Native Americans, Celtics also debunk the dark symbolism surrounding this bird. The Celtic crow symbol stands for individuality, prophetic knowledge, and a complete disregard for what others think. The crow embodies a combination of abilities and skills, mostly.
Celtics also deeply honor crows as a sign sent to them by prophets or oracles in a practice of clairvoyance. The Celts so believed the crows carried secrets between the feathers of their wings.

What does this mean for me? I am not sure completely.

I do realize that it is just one more confirmation that I am on the right path. That I will get the knowledge, skills, wisdom, and/or resources necessary to complete my mission.
That’s fucking awesome. No more tears for me. It’s going to be all right.
Perfectly imperfect.