I don’t feel well. I don’t feel comfortable. In fact, I feel very uncomfortable and weird.
What has changed? Only words. Words have changed. The words have gone out into the universe and nothing has changed.
Here is my writing prompt:
Look to nature and the elements around you, and you’ll see that the universe unfolds gradually—the seasons of the year, the phases of the moon, the rising and falling of the tides, the orbits of the planets. Life is a gradual unfolding and each step illuminates the path ahead a little more, lighting the way just enough to reveal what comes next: the next word to write, or the next musical note to play, or the next corner of the canvas to paint. Trust the unfolding; it will lead you where you need to go.
I listed so many desires yesterday. I wrote them as remembering them. Remembering all the good things that I want and desire is easier than manifesting. Remembering means,
IT”S POSSIBLE. It can happen because it has already happened, I remember it well.
Today I want to focus on the feelings that I associate with the objects of my desire.
your health–what do i feel when I remember the feeling of being
curvy yet slender. I remember feeling good in my clothes and comfortable in my skin. I remember when I was physically fit and strong, definition in my muscles and curve to my booty. I remember eating healthy and feeling good, body, mind, and spirit.
I feel happy, calm, sexy, beautiful, healthy, desirable, wanted, competent, strong. When I think of how I feel when I am a smaller size and in better physical shape, I feel very strong. I like being able to do physical activity without being winded. I enjoy putting on my clothes and they fit right. I feel like I’m doing a good job of taking care of myself. I feel triumphant that I am not gross and disgusting and unhealthy. I feel happy that I am taking care of myself. I am happy that my clothes fit so I feel comfortable. I feel comfortable, strong, healthy.
I remember the basement being finished and completely furnished. I remember a new bathroom in the basement and finished walls and a mini-kitchen. I remember the walls all painted. I remember the rooms are organized and decorated.
Remembering my home finished, fixed, pretty, decorated, clean makes me feel like an adult. I feel competent, grown up, successful, not poor. I feel not poor to have a clean and pretty home.
I guess I have felt poor for a very long time. Even when I was married and had a partner that helped out or was at least present, it seemed we were always poor and struggling. We probably were, we had 8 small kids and I didn’t work. Later, when I had another partner that was super good at building and fixing stuff, the home repairs were better. The house was getting nicer. But there was always so much to do. I still felt poor. I felt poor in spirit because I couldn’t afford to fix it all on my own. I felt poor in finances because there was lack and broken shit.
I am not a decorator. My home is simple. I don’t change the pictures much. It’s clean but not fancy. I live in a double wide home sitting on a basement. My home is not fancy and it is not the best quality built home. It is clean. I fix what I can fix and I can fix it. I know repairs and maintenance will cost more and it might be a barrier now that I am alone.
I don’t want to feel poor anymore. I don’t want to feel less than or deficient or trailer trash-ish.
Today I release and let go of those feelings of inadequacy, poorness.
I am rich in spirit. I am rich in love. I am rich in generosity. I am rich in forgiveness. I am rich in friendship and community. I am richer than I ever allowed myself to acknowledge.
Today I release the feelings of poor. they no longer serve me. They pushed me. they prodded me. Now the time is here to release the feeligns of poor.
Regardless of what house i land in and even if I stay right where I am currently living, I am not poor. I am RICH!
I remember being curvy yet slender. I remember feeling good in my clothes and comfortable in my skin. I remember when I was physically fit and strong, definition in my muscles and curve to my booty. I remember eating healthy and feeling good, body, mind, and spirit.
I remember the basement being finished and completely furnished. I remember a new bathroom in the basement and finished walls and a mini-kitchen. I remember the walls all painted. I remember the rooms are organized and decorated.
your work or job
I remember working in a stimulating job that allows freedom and movement. I remember working in an environment that is supportive and loving. I remember getting paid 6 figures yearly for occasional work. I remember loving my job: talking to people, healing, and building connections.
I remember being debt-free. I remember being able to buy what I wanted and travel to wherever i chose but not being greedy or materialistic. I remember being able to help people, organizations, and communities.
your significant relationships
I remember being madly and passionately in love with a person that is my friend, my lover, and my biggest fan, someone that I respect and like. I remember my kids coming home weekly for Sunday dinner with their kids and their fur babies.
I remember being aligned with my greatest calling, gift, and desire. I remember being aligned with Goddess and Gaia, living in harmony, spreading love and peace to all beings.
your recreation, travel or hobbies
I remember producing a music festival, building women’s communities, kayaking weekly, traveling several months a year. I remember dancing weekly. I remember dancing even better after dance lessons.
Starter: Write down something going on in your life that is at odds with your desired outcome. Write as much detail as you want, including why you are sure this thing is wrong.
Today, I felt attacked, ridiculed, and mocked for making some life choices that will help me to be independent, self-sufficient, and find some juicy. Listening to those things hurt me. I cried and I wanted to rail against the bullshit. Then…the audacity to say, you are acting emotionally, please reframe your thoughts . Wait, what???? sheesh, isn’t that what dudes have said to me a million times, “don’t be emotional”, “shes just overreacting in emotions”.
I took the time to remember my power. I took the time to remember I am a conscious creator of my life. I took the time to remember my choices are valid. I took the time to remember that I have lived and made choices with integrity. I took the time to remember to calmly stand up for myself. Because I remembered that I am a fierce, proud, capable, and competent woman that supports herself and her decisions. I took the time to remember that I have managed my life for many years and I am JUICY and POWERFUL!
I remember my love. I remember my power. I remember I am a dragyn. I remember I am a warrior. I remember that I do not “respond emotionally” when I make choices but EVEN IF I DO, I do not deserve to be shamed for my choices. I do not deserve to be mocked.
Today, I remembered that if I am allowing someone to mock me, I am not living in my power. I remember that if I am treated as incompetent, I am forgetting my strength, power, and ability to consciously create my life and live in my juicy.
I remembered to calmly use my voice to state that I don’t deserve bad treatment. I remembered I know how to live well. I remembered ME and being treated poorly, with arrogance, and hurtful, controlling words is not part of ME anymore. #findingmyjuicy
Next write these words in your journal as you say them out loud: “I consciously agree that I am here now and that my desired outcome had this exact moment as part of its life. I am here now, and this is where I’m meant to be . This is a necessary step on my path, and I will work in harmony with it. I do not need to rush away from here. I am always in the right place at the right time”. And breathe…
And breathe in and breathe out. I remember who I am, who I am called to be, who I am calling myself to be. I remember my juicy life.
I remember that I love being treated with dignity and respect. I remember that I give my all and sometimes I give it to the wrong people. I remember that I can breathe. I remember that I can stop things. I remember that I am in control of my life and everything is perfect, right where it is. Until I remember something even better.
I am starting a new program called the Remembering Process. It is meditation, manifestation, and visualization but next level.
“It is easier to remember than it is to create”. —Joe Vitale & Daniel Barrett
It is a process of learning to “remember” the things you want in your life. Because as they so succinctly said above, it is easier to remember than it is to create. So if I can “remember” what I want in my life, I can have it again.
Today is my first effort at journaling this journey and it will be a journey. BUT I want to get the most of this program because I do want to level up. I want a prosperous, joyful, abundant, and more JUICY life. Remember what juicy is to me? Quick “remembering” juicy is living life to the fullest; living each moment in that moment; not holding pattern or marking time for the good stuff but living each moment as each moment presents and being thankful and joyful to be living that moment. Such as….getting up for work and being tired but also knowing that going to work is a tool to get to vacation but I don’t want to live a life that I want to always vacation from…I want to live my life is such a juicy way that even when I am doing something I don’t necessarily want to do but need to do, I can appreciate and enjoy the juiciness of it. Such as…money, interactions with co-workers, making a difference in a life, teaching someone, inspiring someone, completing a form the BEST way I can possibly do it. #findingmyjuicy is being fully alive, present, and joyful in all aspects of my life. And if it’s not “juicy” or joyful, I can make adjustments so I can continue to grow, be present, and be juicy. I know it sounds like a sex thang but it’s not!
Day 1 practice of remembering the life that i want to live….
My desired outcome regarding my job is to learn as much as I can while continuing my schoolwork to pass my nurse practitioner boards easily so I can make more money.
I remember when I took the test! I was a little nervous but also confident that I had all the knowledge inside my pretty head just waiting to manifest onto the test and show my competence. I remember clicking the choices easily knowing the right answer. I remember sitting in my car afterwards thinking, “HOLY SHIT! I am a Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner and I am cool as fuck”. Yup, that was awesome! I love being a PMHNP. #goodtimes #rememberingmyjourney #findingmyjuicy
So I begin my journey. Classes for my PMHNP program start tomorrow. Life is going to get busier and I can’t wait. I will be chronicling my Remembering Process, please join me if you want to remember your greatest life and then live it!
When making a change in my life, I find it is very important for me to set realistic goals. While my head says just freaking do it, do it all!!! My schedule and my day to day life says, whoa, Sister! Love yourself enough to take your time to do it right without shaming myself if I am not able to do as much as I want to do. Such as setting goals of 3 days a week of yoga instead of every day when I am getting back into the rhythm of doing yoga on a consistent basis.
My goals for my #findingmyjuicy were to commit to daily meditation of the ho’oponopono prayer. If you are not familiar with this powerful Hawaiian prayer. Check this out:
I have been doing this for 5-10 minutes every morning before I get out of bed which was my goal for the month. Check, check, and m**f**ing check.
In addition, I wanted to meditate for 5 minutes, before getting out bed, on gratitude. I have been grateful for my recent vacation to Nashville, my visit with my daughter, Natalie, my friends, new friendships, being brave, Brene Brown, learning to dissect my story, my car, my son being home and improving, my job, nurses, among other things.
Both of these items were easy to do but remembering to do it was more challenging. I changed the name of my alarm to Meditate so it would prompt me when it went off in the morning. I have been consistent in my practice. I am pleased with myself and my follow through but I also want to improve my practice this week. I plan to add more emotion when offering my gratitude. By adding emotion to the words, it will become more of a brain imprint, a memory per se. In addition, the law of attraction states that the more you feel you have something, the more you will receive. By expressing meaningful gratitude, I will be open to receiving more of that juicy. #claimingmyjuicy
I also committed to doing cardio and/or strength training 3 times a week. I hit that target and I have started this week strong.
It’s been a week which is only just a start but it’s a start. You can’t have a long commitment to something unless you START and I have started.
Since starting my #findingmyjuicy challenge, I also started taking an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication. I am unsure of which part of my daily regime: the medication or the lifestyle changes are making the biggest difference in my life but I am feeling more peaceful.
My friend with the mental illness has found some stability. I don’t think he is fully back to baseline but he is so much closer than he was 6 weeks ago. I have been able to go on a vacation which was wonderful. I also was able to spend some time with a dear friend. It was amazing. The laughs were abundant and amazingly healing. Spending time in the water was magical. Being in community with other women, specifically lesbian women, was sorely missed and very much cherished.
Overall, I am pleased with myself. I have changed my position to change my emotions and my energy. Life is not feeling as chaotic and uncontrollable. My feelings are not stuck on perpetual tears. I am hopeful. And stressors don’t feel so overwhelming, daunting, and life altering. I am feeling better. Go me. #findingmyjuicy
I am still in the middle of an ongoing pandemic weird world scenario. Everything that I have known and loved has come to an abrupt halt. This sounds extremely dramatic but here’s the situation.
Because of Covid, all gatherings have ceased. There are no women’s dances. There are no group dinners. There are no game nights. There are no work crews. There are no festivals.
Because of Covid, my work life has become exponentially more challenging to accommodate people that are working from home. I work longer hours. My time here is more demanding. The homes are full and we are at capacity. That means, I am responsible for the nursing/medical needs for 55 residents. That’s a lot.
Because of Covid and racism, a close friend (many close friends) has experienced a mental health crisis. I have been actively involved in helping with their treatment and recovery. It’s hard to work in mental health/behavioral health. It’s even harder when you go home to it and experience it with a close friend. It has been heart breaking to see the pain and confusion. It is also hard to be the brunt of the mania and the release of past trauma. It is improving but it is still a constant drain. I am holding myself together from snapping because I know that is not therapeutic but the onslaught of attacks is wearing and draining. I want to be supportive but it is still a loss. It feels like I have lost my life that I finally feel like i am getting to live. For so many years, I was busy raising kids. Then they grew up and I thought now I get to live for me. Then this happened and I am back to care taking with not much end in sight. It’s hard to not be resentful that I am 52 years old and still cannot come and go as I please without being obligated to care for someone else.
Because of being overwhelmed emotionally and physically, i was unable to study and retain as well as I normally do. I failed a midterm. I have NEVER failed a test before. #learningacceptance #gottaloveme #findingmyjuicy
My relationship has been broken for a while. It took a lot of hits with the demands that each one of us put on each other and on ourselves. Also, we had no idea how to communicate with each other without withdrawal or yelling. As hard as we tried, and we tried, it just didn’t get to a place where we each were getting our needs met. It bent and bruised my heart quite a bit. In fact, it still smarts and stings. It’s hard to let go to what you thought was going to happen forever even though the reality is, it hasn’t been “happening” for quite some time. By that I mean, we both have been discontent and unfulfilled but we continued the motions of the relationship because 1. we were both hopeful it would work, 2. it was comfortable and familiar, 3. we have deeper commitments to each other through the community work we do.
Now, it’s time to realize the lessons I have been trying to learn.
Why settle for half time, part time, or no time when I want a full time loving, intimate, joyful, and juicy relationship?
Why did I and why do I continue in these same patterns?
This is what I discovered.
Familiar pain is often easier than unfamiliar joy. Believing that you deserve a fulfilling and juicy relationship is hard when you have been conditioned to believe that unhappiness is what you deserve because it is what you have always know. Choosing to be happy is not always comfortable when you haven’t always felt worthy of something better. Self worth is my job and my duty to myself. Unlearning harmful patterns and unraveling toxic beliefs about myself is hard af. The feelings of unworthiness permeate many of my actions AND I DIDN”T EVEN REALIZE it. Changing the story in my head is hard but if i want something different, i have to do things differently.
I’m not done. I still get into stinking thinking. I still feel like I am losing everything and I will never be stable again.
I started therapy two months ago to learn to work through past trauma. I’m thankful that I can go to therapy. Yesterday, I met with a psychiatric NP to start a new medication. I have never been on a scheduled medical or psych med ever in my life. I start a new anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med today. #mentalhealthmatters #noshame #gettreatment
I still have work to do. But today, I feel a little lighter. Today I feel a little more acceptance. Today, I have taken the time to examine my beliefs. Today, I have taken the time to dig into why i am such a “shitty breaker upper”. Well, not today. All of the work I have been doing on my inner being has made it so today, I can see my patterns and I can see why I have chosen various paths.
When I start telling myself “why did you stay” “why are you so stupid” “when someone shows you who they are believe them” and I start feeling some shame because it took this long to break free and choose HAPPY, choose JUICY, choose ME instead of the habitual pain of yearning and wanting and being denied and feeling rejected and abandoned, I remind myself to be gentle with myself. I remind myself to forgive myself. Love myself. Forgive myself.
Changing old conditioning and breaking past patterns that were put into place as a result of trauma and abuse is not an easy task. I realized that my fear of “being abandoned” runs through me deep. I realized that the familiar pain was easier than accepting “being abandoned” even when I wasn’t abandoned. But that’s what I kept telling myself. To avoid being abandoned, I sacrificed my own pursuit of #findingthejuicy. It was so familiar to try to fix it, people please it, and settle for all of those old patterns of not feeling heard, not feeling loved or cherished, not feeling important, not feeling worthy of happiness.
I dont want that anymore. I want to CHOOSE HAPPY. CHOOSE living JUICY.
Because change is so hard, I have created a 30 day challenge, “findingmyjuicy”.
Instead of focusing on the sad feelings, feelings of abandonment, or fear, I am going to focus on the things I can control. I want to improve myself mind, body, and spirit.
What is fear? What is mine? What is yours? What is this generation? What is my story? What do I own? What part is my part? What can I share? What do I hold close? What part is necessary for my journey and what part is not my journey at all but maybe I’m a bystander.
Being a mom is a tricky business. Having 8 kids is trickier than fuck. It was always a struggle to find the right balance of treating each child with individuality and also making it easier by streamlining the process.
When I would cook for my brood, I would cook in bulk. I would fry 10-15lbs of ground beef, make taco meat, sloppy joes, and plain ground beef. It would be used for 2-3 days or frozen in bags to be pulled out to simplify a future meal. I would cut pancakes and salads with two knives intersecting each other so I could cut them quickly. I have cooked and cut a million or more pancakes and salads in my life. It was easier when I could streamline and do everything in a cookie cutter fashion or as an assembly line.
There are times when it is okay to parent in an assembly line fashion with a large family. Cutting the pancakes and salads is an okay time to streamline. Homeschooling the kids, we would all study the same subject at the same time. For instance, we all would study the same time period when we were learning history together. However, each person was at a different level (grade) and needed individualized instruction and learning material to challenge, inspire, and teach them.
Now my children are all grown up. I had always hoped to give them a blend of individualized and streamlined parenting. Some things about kids are all the same. Sometimes the response cannot be generic. I hoped to do all of those things.
Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t. I know we all experienced extreme trauma. I know that Covid 19 has torn the superficial layer of skin that was covering the deep wounds. Each one of my kids, my heart, my family, are feeling the effects of Covid and racism and hate right now. And it is bringing up old hurts. Old traumas are bubbling up.
Throughout the acute parenting years, my life was consumed with survival. I survived the abusive marriage. I survived homeschooling the kids. I survived nursing school while raising the kids. I survived parents that interfered with my parenting, undermined my authority, and competed with my children for my affection and respect. I am still, barely, surviving that one. I survived a mental break down when I did something that I had been taught for way too many years that it was a grave sin. But I had to survive. I had to survive and I had to learn to thrive so I could teach my kids to survive…and thrive.
Those were rough years. Those were years that I survived but now I am learning to thrive. Learning to thrive means that I am rooting out the fears, insecurities, and feelings of unworthiness. It also means taking responsibility for my actions, good and bad. It means making amends or feeling a sense of pride for the things that I have done in my past. I am also learning acceptance because I cannot change any of those things, good or bad.
As I have learned to navigate this journey to thriving, finding my juicy, I have tried to hold myself accountable. Part of my accountability process was to be transparent. I began this blog to find my truth and share my truth as I discovered it. I used this platform for education, illumination, confession, and declarations of my successes on the path. I used this blog and social media as a tool for growth and accountability.
I shared all of my hurts, fears, and moments of shame. I shared the things I have done wrong as I learned they were wrong so I could see and document my growth and discoveries of #findingthejuicy by feeling all of the feels even when they seemed dirty and gross.
Recently, I shared an experience or several experiences that intersected with each other. I shared my experience with mental health, racism, and the disparities in health care for people of color. It was my story and my observations. However, I shared some personal information about a close friend of mine. Although I didn’t share the identity, there were people who could identify the person. It hurt people who felt betrayed.
Was it my story? Do I have a “right” to share this story and my insights? Not do I have a right but SHOULD I share a personal story that might cause one to feel shame? I do not know anymore. I know I didn’t share the story with the intention of revealing intimate details of another person’s journey. I was sharing my insight. I was sharing my angst. But it hurt someone.
I didn’t mean to hurt anyone with my story. It truly was an exercise to process the parts of the experience and share the insights I gleaned. But it hurt someone that I care about deeply. People that should care about the hurts will only meddle, gossip, and mock the innocent. It’s always been that way so I should have protected the information to protect the innocent. But I was sharing my pain and I forgot about those hateful people that still have some access to my life and the lives of the people I care about. I forgot.
For that indiscretion, my heart bleeds. I try to forgive myself. I will forgive myself. But Covid has brought so much to light and the past wounds run deep, jagged, and are infected.
I know that this is all coded and vaguebooking. I have to learn to do better. While the writing I do can cause people to judge me harshly, I don’t care what they say about me because it is my journey and my process. I am an independent free thinking free willed woman that uses this tool to heal. However, my healing cannot hurt those that I love as they embark on their own Covid initiated journey of healing. Until they are ready to own their stories and forgive the moving parts involved, I cannot share parts of someone else’s journey.
But I can write them privately. I can document what I know, feel, and see and how it positions me in the world and in my feelings. I will share them when it is free to share without hurting anyone else involved in the journey.
Here we go again. Single again. I’m single again. I’ve been single for a while. But it’s a weird thing. There’s a lot of deep feelings and shared dreams. Visions of a more lesbionic future building women’s communities and memories, that have since taken many twists and turns.
We had a relationship that started so sweet. We built some things together that were and are very amazing. Together we were a power couple that could do some magic together.
But two powerful women together can also create some powerful emotions and while there was good magic; there was also bad magic.
There were hurt feelings and harsh words. There were crushed expectations and shouted threats and curses. There were sweet times and there times of joy and juicy over the amazing things we accomplished together. It was powerful.
But there was a lot of hurt. So much hurt. So many break ups and stay togethers. So many unmet and unheard wants and needs that we both had. The build up of wanting and not getting was wearing. The frequent disconnects became broader and bigger.
And neither one of us willing to walk away. We had a vision of the business, the baby. We had dreams of figuring out the way to speak and be together so we could both get what we wanted. We tried.
And the break ups got vaster and the disconnect was becoming a wide chasm. Yet, we still talked and had this thing. This thing we did together. And we couldn’t stop doing the thing. We, neither one of us, could stop doing the thing that we did.
We got better at talking to each other. We both were doing some work. Digging deep into the stories we tell ourselves. We were learning individually and together how to be better to ourselves and each other. But not in a way that was moving us closer to each other.
While we have been broke up for a long time now, it seems. neither one of us have went anywhere. It was confusing. It was troubling. It was something. It was this thing.
Today, I started something. It is now a “here we go again” break up that we have experienced, oh so many times. When I draw the boundary, she is not going to chase. I do not want the chase anymore. It wasn’t complete. It still didn’t fit. It is not here we go again. Because this time, I said something different and I said it a different way.
I said, “I’m going to start dating”. Although there have been lines in the sand drawn in the past. This was a line drawn in the concrete. This was a different move. This was me saying, it’s time for me to find some juicy and not keep waiting and hoping to get something that is not possible here. I can say with good conscious, I tried. I worked on me. I worked on her. I cried, I begged, I apologized. I worked on me. I forgave. I listened. I waited. I was patient. Imperfectly, but my intention was true. My commitment and investment was sound.
As she said, it just isn’t a good fit. It’s time to find the fit.
It wasn’t an easy conversation. But it was an easy conversation. Easier than I thought it would be. It hurt. I cried. But we were civil, kind, compassionate, loving, understanding, and listening. It was one of the most generous and loving conversations we have ever had together.
We both agreed that we care about each other and that we have a commitment to each other. A friendship that is deep and true. I know I can count on her. And we have agreed to continue to co-parent our chicks. lol
It hurt a lot saying it’s time to move on. I appreciate that I took the time to have the whole conversation with her. She needed it. I needed it. We both deserve juicy lives.
It’s really weird, really, really weird. But okay. And not okay. And weird.
I’m grateful we have been acting like civil, loving, compassionate adults for the most part recently. I’m grateful we had the conversation tonight.
So it’s not just here we go again. It’s where shall I go this time?
Where shall I go? What shall I do? It’s scary and crazy and weird. It’s not what I planned for or wanted. But it is what is right now. Imma be okay.